just lost in with ds - winding up behaviour/ADHD whatever it is v difficult to tolerate but still can't help feeling like TOTALLY CRAP mum and the cause of it all

[MissChief]

sorry, just needed to download again. Feel v guilty for not coping better, for not being more pateint and caring (ds said "you seem like you don't love me" - probably is, often it's true..) He's not so bad but probably has ADHD which at times I take some comfort from as at least it's some explanation for the stress, the battles, the thick wall impeding communication in this family. Ds had been challneging, arguing, negotaiting, coming back at me on every little thing and I lost it - ended up smacking him (fairly gently) and also tapping him with my (unshod) foot, didn'
t hurt him but he felt so hurt and humilated and I feel like a totally bad parent. I'm normally more controlled, have v rarely smacked him - mamy only a few times in his whole life tho disagree with corporal punishment in theroy I've ended up resorting to it
enough said. confession over. feeling very soory for myself and even more so for ds. I wish i was better at being a parent. Anyone else more or less alone with SEN along with partner? my family completely in denial and don't even ask how his tests have gone. I therefore just say "he's fine" when mum asks. She's so emotionally stunted that at her age I don't think there's any hope of getting her on side.

[MissChief]

god, I read this back and I sound like such an awful, blaming person.

[iheartdusty]

sorry to hear you had such a horrible time

I haven't got any advice, just didn't want you to go unanswered.

SEN or no SEN, I'm sure you know all of us lose it some time or another. You don't sound blaming, just like someone with loads to cope with.

hope tomorrow is a really lovely day. Can you get an early night? Lack of sleep steals anyone's patience.

[MissChief]

THnaks, well that's it too. I'm so knackered an am slleping apalingly atm so particulalry low on pateince. No excuse to hit out tho, is it? [sad}

[iheartdusty]

well, no, but it is an explanation for why you did.

What's stopping you sleeping? are you very wound up all the time?

[MissChief]

yes, v anxious, had heavy workload,been signed off by gp for "depression", notsure whehter mood is low due ot lack of sleep or vice-versa but real insomniac, been so on & off for yrs. Am trying to meditate, do wlaks etc but hard to fit in rounf little kids.

[iheartdusty]

sounds like it goes round and round - no sleep, loss of control, guilt, more stress, less sleep. Poor you. Are you having any treatment for depression or just what you can manage yourself?

[MissChief]

thanks agian for being htere, need to off-load! Been given ADs but loathe to take, had some cbt which was of moderate benefit but opened up a few old wounds wihtout resolving much at all (crap, expensive therapist alert!). Think i need to look at root cause of it all, not keen to take medication to numb me to it all

[iheartdusty]

sleeping pills or similar?

you have probably tried them all if insomniac for years

Do you think Ads would just numb you? I haven't taken them, but get the impression that when they work people feel totally 'back to normal' rather than numb.

[MissChief]

you may be right. They're sitting in my cupboard, maybe I should bite hte bullet.

[Janni]

It sounds like everything got on top of you today - we all have days like that. In the morning give your DS a hug and tell him you love him. Tell him yesterday was a bad day and that today will be better.

What can you do to look after yourself so that you don't reach breaking point?

[MissChief]

will do, yes. I think I might have already got there, think will give up work but need more "head-space" to relax an sort myself out, not v compatitible with being a mum, is it?! I'm not tinnking raitonally tho so hard to know what to od for the best.

[MissChief]

will do, yes. I think I might have already got there, think will give up work but need more "head-space" to relax an sort myself out, not v compatitible with being a mum, is it?! I'm not tinnking raitonally tho so hard to know what to od for the best.

[SmugColditz]

ADs never made me feel numb, they made me feel like the 'Me' I was before the depression made me miserable and numb.

[MissChief]

i'm scared off having done loads of research into what's best for depress0n - sorting out root cause, doing cbt, exercise etv not ADs. Alkso recnet media rports re quesitonable efficacy of them. I know i'm not speaking from experiecen but really find off-putting, googling the side-effects just sends me stiaght for a glass of wine rahter than the prescription! I know, that doesn't help!

[iheartdusty]

google has a lot to answer for!

there are a lot of threads on MN about experience of ADs, like Colditz's

[MissChief]

i knoe, but there is a lot of scepticism to say the least out there re ADs. I@m also a bit of a coward...!

[iheartdusty]

what are you going to do for the rest of this evening?

[MissChief]

listening to r4 prog on parenting, on here, having cup of tea, trying to unwind. dh away on business.

[iheartdusty]

would it help to do something nice for DS to find in the morning?

I don't know how old he is, if he reads then a loving note might be something good to find, or a funny picture?

hope you have a peaceful night of sleep. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

[MissChief]

nice idea, might just do that.

[Janni]

That's a good idea, iheartdusty, something to signal that tomorrow is a fresh start. He would like that, I'm sure.

[improvingslowly]

get glenn harrold compete relaxation CD from amazon or elsewhere and listen to it at night. really good. (but take the ADs as well!)