I read through my son's paed referral yesterday, and I was reminded of a book

[colditz]

I had to go into the class after school to sign the school's referral, and it was an unreal experience.

"Is that my son?
No, his behavior is too obsessive,
That's not my son.

Is that my son?
No, his need for adult supervision is too high'
That's not my son.

Is that my son?
No, he has social, behavioral and emotional problems affecting his class work,
That's not my son.

Is that my son?
No, his concentration problems are preventing full access to the curriculum,
That's not my son."

Then I looked up, and there he was, reading a book and fidgeting away with the TA, and I could have cried.

"Is that my son?
Yes, he is perfect in every way.
That's my son!"

It was like reading about a different child. A difficult, uncooperative, obsessive-compulsive child. That's not my son. My son is sunny, and easy going. He doesn't worry, not when he is at home with me

I am concerned that they have over-egged the pudding in order to get classroom help - and have forgotten that this is not just a difficult situation they are writing about. That's my son.

[violetskies]

I understand what you say, it hurts to much to be true.
But, I always feel that you should fill out any forms as if you are giving your child to a complete stranger for a week and you have to explain their worst traits.
That's what I do with ds. You feel as if you are lying/over egging the pudding, but when he is at his worst, is it remotely possible that it is true?

[onebatmother]

oh, colditz, I do feel for you. He has you in his corner, though, and so is a lucky boy as well as a perfect one.

[Niecie]

I understand where you are coming from. I don't recognise my DS from what is being written about him but I can't deny he does the things they say he does but the whole process of dealing with a child with SN seems to turn them into a list of problems and does not consider the whole person.

I remember when we were getting a dx and seeing the paed, I actually wrote a list of everything that struck me as a bit different about him and the things that were problematic but I also did a list of all the things he does right, just to give the whole thing some balance and make sure that he was seen as a person not just a 'case'. I think the paed thought I was a bit soft but she took on board what I was saying and was kind. It does help to focus on his strengths sometimes and not just the weaknesses.

[deeeja]

I understandexactly what you mean.
I have been feeling alot like this. I look at my adorable boys and I can't believe that they would present a problem to anyone. My ds2 is 5 years old, and I went into school to talk about him not long ago, and it was as if they were describing a different child to the one I know. I took it to a certain point, then started my cross-integration, the teacher was very understanding though, and pointed out his good points too.
Yeterday I tried to give him pizza for his packed lunch as a treat, he loves pizza, but he refused point blank and was on his way to meltdown, so I left it. He wanted the same old sandwhiches that he will take one bite out of each quarter, and leave the rest since each piece is no longer perfect. He has the same thing everyday, and never changes it, even at home. If I try to, he goes crazy and it affects the rest of the day, and that is just not worth it. It ruins his day. Things like that make me realise my ds is not like other children. I have to help him. But mostly to me, he is a funny boy with a great sence of humour, who loves books, and art, is a whizz at maths, and when he smiles, it lights up the whole room.
I hate the fact that other people might just see him as this screaming and inflexible boy, who is easily upset by seemingly unimportant things, and sometimes has hallucinations.(The hallucinations are the most difficult thing for me to get my head round, he only has them at school )
Your ds is your own beautiful baby.
No-one can take that away!

[deeeja]

cross-interrogation

[catok]

They can put as many eggs in the pudding as they like! My son doesn't have to read the comments - I feel terrible reading them, and want to scream "Focus on the good points!" - but the good points don't pay for the TA support to help prevent his waves of anxiety turning into a tsunami.
If a few meltdowns can be prevented by a list of harsh statements....
How would your lovely boy cope if his TA wasn't there?

[violetskies]

I agree totally catok, if you have to put the worse possibly scenario over to get your child the help they need and deserve, then where is that wrong?

[oops]

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[pootleflump]

Have nothing to share but your post was beautiful, I could see a little film of it in my head.

[aefondkiss]

Deeja - "I hate the fact that other people might just see him as this screaming and inflexible boy, who is easily upset by seemingly unimportant things"... that strikes a chord with me, it makes me sad too...

Colditz - I think the negativity gets you down, it is a constant reminder that we live in a different world

I feel my son and, well his family, are being constantly judged and scrutinised, yes maybe it is because the professionals are trying to help, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

[TotalChaos]

Having had a grim SALT appointment today, I know where you are coming from Colditz.

[colditz]

Oh TotalChaos, why? What happened? I have been through those myself, I've been in SALT appointments where all ds1 has done is try to take the woman's pen and climb the shelves. The behavior becomes so normal to you that it's only when you are forced to take them out of their routine environment that you 'see' it.

So come on, splurge it out, what happened?

[bundle]

oops, don't beat yourself up

i had no idea about ds1, do rant if you need to, xx

[MAMAZON]

I know how you feel Colditz.

i re read DS's first ed psych report a couple of days ago and cried all over again.

I know they have to put teh negative in so as to help get a positive but reading all his "bad" points, with no mention of how wonderfull and caring and sweet and gorgeous he is...it just heartbreaking.

[gomez]

Colditz I have no personal experience of what you are describing but your OP has really touched me.

Regardless of what other people see, hear or write he will always be your son and you should always think of him as your perfect boy.

[TotalChaos]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/1373/487173

more the feedback from SALT - the learning disability possibility has thrown me completely, ridiculous I know as I had always felt HFA was a possible diagnosis.

DS's eye appointments last year were like the one you describe - refusing to try and name pictures, clutching for dear life to the toys he was meant to be following with eyes - then chirpily saying "bye" as we left the room.

[oops]

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