Family Dynamics

[floaty]

Just a bit of background ds2 has dyscalculia,dyspraxia,dysgraphia and although not diagnosed i think has some definate ASD traits.Until Spet he was in a mianstream non selective indeoendent which he loved and so did we however it had vecome obvious that he was going to need more support than thye could offer him and in September he moved to a specialist Prep school which has been a fantastic move academicaly and socially and he is comming to terms with weekly boarding which has been difficult for all of us.

My main question is how to you deal with the dynamics of having firstly one child who is having a completely differnt educational experience from the others (we have 3) and also just the differnt experience of their siblings in having a brother who they love dearly but who isn't quite the same as other people's brothers .

On recent example id that ds1 (14) has just moved school he hasn't really had anyone round from new school and I know this is partly because he doesn't want to have to deal with the ds2 isssue,it's not that he is ashamed of ds2 and i know he would defend ds2 to the end but he just doesn't want to have to go there if you see what i mean.

aslo i know that he has been in effect an only child in some ways because although the age gap is only 3 years in reality its more like 5 or 6 . ds3 who is 6 sees ds2(10) as a comtemporay

I suppose what i am saying is that sometimes when looking other families ,their experience is just not the same in so many little subtle ways.

Anyway this is a bit garbled but I wondered how other families deal with these types of issues

[yurt1]

Do you mean within the family or in the wider world?

We don't really mix with other families as a family (ds1 severely autistic, ds2 and ds3 NT). We might have occasional meet-ups but as a regular thing it just doesn't work.

Within the family ds2 and ds3 are like a team, but they're pretty accepting of ds1. Not sure how it will pan out in teenage years. We tend to split within the home, one delas with ds1, the other with ds2 and ds3.

[floaty]

I suppose I mean mostly just the day to day managing of the family dynamics ,ds2 is having a completely different experience in his specialist school to the other two ,plus now we have to deal with the fact that he isn't here from monday morning until just after lunch on friday and i do find it difficult to fall out with him during the weekend ,and also it is difficult not to down grade the others at the weekend and treat ds2 as a priority.

With other families we have several close friends where all the children have known eachother most of their lives and they just accept and don'y even think about it.Its only an issue i suppose if there is an activity plan.

But they are all talking about the sort of issues that are facing them interms of realtionships between the siblings etc and it all seems so different to us .It's not that i want to be them but just sometimes you wonder if there is anyone out there with similar issues.

I think ours is exacerbated because ds2 is the middle of three boys and so many of the other twos friends do lots of things as brothers or sibling groups and that is different

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

I know what you mean floaty - I have one DD (nf) and a younger DS, ASD. In some ways, my DD is growing up like an only child, but so many people comment on how kind and mature she is that I think it must do good as well as be difficult. I think she has had to learn at a very early age that life is not all rosy, and perhaps that is no bad thing. To her, DS is totally the norm, so she doesn't bat an eyelid when friends come round, but she's only 6 so that might change in those self-conscious teenage years. She also gets upset that things can never be kept tidy or nice, because of DS. I feel constant guilt about am I giving DS more attention, but it's just inevitable that I am as he just needs so much more looking after (basically to keep him out of danger). She has therefore become probably more self-contained than I'd like, and it doesn't help when so-called well-meaning people point out that I shouldn't neglect my other child (easy to say, and of course I try to give her some special time every day, but DS is 4 years old, autistic and hyperactive, so sometimes it is hard!). I think it is sometimes good to have 3, so at least your DS1 has a "normal" sibling experience too. I have two DSDs too, and one is nf, one autistic. So every other weekend, my NF DD gets experience of a NF sibling, and my autistic boy gets experience of a HFA sister - whom he loves. I guess we all just do our best! You sound like a fantastic and thoughtful mum!

[floaty]

One of our problems I think is that ds2 is adament that he has no problems ,he doesn't need to go to a different school and he can do everything that the others can even though of course often he plainly can't.It is a complement to his previous school that he is so unaware and I know that it is partly denial but it makes it difficult to explain why he can't go to the same school as the others .I am struugling to help him come to terms with his difficulties without affecting his confidence especially in a house of 3 boys.

One problem I am wrestling with at the moment is holiday care the others want to do a sports camp at school but I know that this would be a nightmare for DS2,do i let them do it and find other care for ds2 or do I say all of them can't do it (I work 3 days a week).I think the answer is ds1 can do it but separate care for the others otherwise the money just doean't add up but most of friends just say oh book them all in it will be fine but in my heart i know that ds2 would struggle ( and probably refuse to go after the first day ) and that ds1 would spend all his time worrying about ds2 and what he might or might not be doing.

Ds1 also worries a lot about what will happen to ds2 ,I keep telling him ds2 will be fine(in fact i have every confidence in that because he is a worker and an optimist)but ds1 (by nature a worrier )worries all the time about it ,he also worries about what his friends think of ds2(although he wouldn't admit this)especially as ds2 tends to be very tactile and at 14 most visiting boys don't want to be hugged!We are working on this but it is difficult.

The bigest problem we have at the moment though and the one causing me the most headaches is that ds3 is by nature very competitive and probably the strongest academically (not a boast just a statement of fact)he adores lego and anything mathematical ,ds2 has always been his hero and he adores him which has been fantastic for ds2 but now ds3 is able to do things that his older brother can't and he gets quite frustrated when ds2 tries to play with the lego or help build a model and he either breaks it or can't keep up ,ds3 can't understand why ds2 who is 5 years older than him isn't better than him at these things,he tends to think that he is doing it deliberately and this has caused some major problems in their relationship this holidays which saddens me as they have always been such good friends and playfellows .How do I help ds3 understand ds2s difficulties without destroying his admiration of his older brother?

sorry this is so rambling but but giving examples is the only way i can think to explain it .i feel really distresed about this at the moment so any help would be good !

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

It is very hard and I do know what you mean floaty - my DD yesterday wouldn't share a bottle of drink with DS in case she "caught" his autism. I had to take a deep breath and explain to her very carefully that it's something you're born with, not something you can catch, and that if someone ignorant says that to her about her brother she has to be ready to tell them very calmly that autism is genetic and its not catching like a cold. Is there any similar conversation you could have with DS3, where you sort of put it onto other people and a third person problem rather than personal (if I'm making no sense, sorry, but I think I felt it easier to deal with this horrible comment by pretending it came from another child, think maybe my DD has heard it from another child anyway and was testing me out, as she is usually so kind and understanding of DS). It's not surprising they find it hard to cope though - I do too, and I'm 44! The summer camp one is tricky - I would do whatever you think is right and whatever you can best afford. One article I read said that kids need to learn what it's like to be bored in the holidays, as that's where they learn how to play, and nowadays we over-schedule them. But that's easy to say, and of course you work so you need to sort stuff out. Anyway, I'm rambline on so I'll stop.

[floaty]

No ,thats really helpful,ds3 certainly wouldn't let anyone be horrid about his brother its more that he just cannot seem to understand that what is easy for him is not easy for ds2 I suppose i just have to go with the line that ds2's brain works in a slightly differnt way to yours but it is difficult I don't want him to see ds2 as someone different

[floaty]

The summer camp is only ofr one week and we will find a way around it I suppose I just wish it was as easy as letting all 3 go together like most other families would!

[pagwatch]

Floaty,
explaining that a sibling is "different" is particularly difficult if you make "different" the same as lesser or negative.
My DS1 is NT he is 14. He watched his brother regress so had to have a very full understanding of what had happened to make his brother suddenly change. He is consequently very protective of DS2 who is now 11.
DD on the contrary is 5 and is just starting to get to grips with the whole autism thing.
I have explained it to her that for DS2 some things are very difficult - that in life we all have things we are good at and bad , and that that is why life is full and interesting and exciting.
She knows her DS1 is good at school work and rugby, but very bad at tidying up and getting up in the morning.
She knows DS2 is very good at computers and puzzles and drawing but very bad at talking and sharing. She is good at dancing and talking but rubbish at being quiet .

It is very difficult for you that your son is struggling with his own difficulties. We are 'lucky' in that the serious extent of DS2's difficulties means we can talk openly about it.
So whilst i cannnot give you any similar experience i would just say that finding a way to express to them all their strengths and weaknesses and encouraging them all to be kind to each other does reduce the sense of seperation that these issues can cause.
Ds1 now feels very forcefully that his brother is quite an extraordinary person. He is not blinded to the limitations that Ds2's difficulties creates but rather he chooses to embrace his strengths. He said to me quite spontaneously about a year ago that one of the reasons he loved his brother was because he quite simply would never ever hurt another person intentionally.He said he didn't know another person in the world like that.

In some ways it is about any other relationship - embracing the ties that connect us rather than trying to deal with the differences.
I don't mean this to sound simplistic and I am not pretending it is easy or quick, but after 8 years we now have a very strong family bond and that really does help. Telling the other two nice things about their brother is part of that and little things can make them ( and him) more alert to his strengths. Yesterday DS2 came with me to collect DD from school . He met her with a big hello and then hugged her and kissed her on the head. As we walked across the raod she droped her jacket and he turned and picked it up for her. At that point they both commented on how nice and kind DS2 was . I just try to keep focussed on those moment when ever they come along - sometimes even if only I have seen them.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

That is really good to hear Pagwatch, and I think your DS1's comments are fantastically perceptive and mature - that his brother (unlike most of the human race) would never hurt anyone intentionally. Will use that strengths point with my DD - I do feel that my autistic son has none of the unattractive qualities of human nature - eg envy, spite, bullying, self-pity etc etc. He is a very happy, loving little boy who starts the day smiling and enjoys everything to the max!

[floaty]

Pagwatch that is a beautiful post ,what a great family you have .I think I felt quite good about these things until the last few months. I felt we weren't doing perfectly but we were getting there.ds2 has always been charming and loving etc,I think one of the changes at the moment is that although he still has the emotional maturity of an 8 year old he is 11 and the assertiveness and pre teen moods are starting to creep in.I find myself constantly refereeing arguments between them an ds2 is always the common factor and because he doesn't quite have the intellectual firepower of the others he gets hugely frustrated .I feel I cannot always intervene on his behalf because that isn't fair on the others especially when he is in the wrong but sometimes it is difficult not to ask the others to give in to him or in fact for them to do that anyway because they think I will jump in to protect him.

Oh dear family life hey!