Help needed - son being ignored by other children in class

[mumwhereareyou]

Hi All

I don't post very often but read and often act upon the good info given.

Anyway in Sept 05 adopted 3 chidlren, the middly was 2 and 1/4, turned 4 last June 07.
All the time we have had him I knew something was but have been struggling to get dx. Anyway he has very poor speech and has some behavourial problems. Started school in sept with 20 hrs 121 so that is all he goes to school for 20 hours per week.
It is very small school only 10 children in his class. Have just discovered that there has been 2 parties in the past month where all the children in the class have been invited to apart from son. Now teacher tells me that he has no one to play with. Now the parents don't and have never spoken to me and i'm so bloody angry and upset for my son and and at them for being bloody ingornat (sp) people.
I just wondered that if i wrote all the parents a short note saying what is wrong with my son(attachment issues, possibly autism, and development delay by 18mths) and how cruel it is and how do they expect him to improve if they won't let their bloody kids play with him, if it will have any effect or none at all.

At the end of the day he is a little boy and none of this is his fault some of it is down to his birth parents.

Thanks for reading this, please reassure me and give me advice as am so angry at moment.

Ps saw a new Paed last week and she is coming to school next week with me to speak to Head about stuff. She is the one who has just diagnosed development delay and is looking at Fragile x and autism.

[Whizzz]

could you maybe try inviting some of the kids & parents round - maybe talk to the adults & try & facilitate play between the children ??

[TotalChaos]

sorry to hear that your little boy is being excluded . I wouldn't contact the parents directly - if they are bigotted against him, then telling them about the diagnosis may make matters worse. Are you happy with the school in general? Him only going in for 20 hours a week sounds rather unsatisfactory. Just wondering if your lad might be better off at a bigger school with a reasonable number of other kids with language problems or other special needs, so that there are other kids similar to him.

[cornsilk]

Can the teacher do a 'circle of friends?' Ed Pysch should be able to advise on this. for your little boy.

[tiredemma]

Im so sorry- this would break my heart.

I think that I would write a generic letter to all parents of the children in the class and just describe your sons isuues (DONT put what is wrong with him) - perhaps suggesting that he would benefit from the play interaction of other children?

I would be livid- but being angry will only keep them at bay.

Hope it works out for you x

[critterjitter]

I wouldn't write to all the parents. You don't need to explain your son to them (particularly when they are being so difficult about this whole situation) and sadly, having your son explained to them may cause more problems i.e. parents telling their children about your son's condition, which may in turn lead to more issues in the playground.

However, I would ask the teacher for further advice on how to deal with this issue. I would expect that she has lots of experience of children being 'left out', and could start to discretely integrate your son into group activities (if she hasn't already done so) and ensure that whats going on in the playground can be kept an eye on.

P.S. Don't worry about the parties. I recently found out that there have been 5 parties in my DDs class since she started, and has she been invited to one of them? No siree!

[Twiglett]

have you invited any children round to yours for a playdate

I think it is totally the wrong approach to go off blaming the other parents for this

but it would be the right approach to facilitate your child making friends both with playdates in your home and through strategies put in place at school

I feel sorry for you that you have reached such an angry boiling point .. the school has let you down on this

[mumwhereareyou]

Thanks for all the replies, unfortunately there are no big schools near to us all just village ones so same situation. Don't really want to move himn either as his sister goes to same school and loves it.
The teacher is going to try and intergrate him. the ed pysch is visiting next week again and will mention it to her.

Am going to try and ask for him to attend full time as he has improved loads this term. And from Sept will be in yr1 and so will be going full time then.

I have already asked one liitle boy back with his mum, but they supposedly had things on most nights. Will try again next week when i have calmed down.

The thing is his sister has friends round and their parents don't have any problems with him.

I guess a lot of them are snobby nosed with the perfect family. Even the head admitted that before they had all the background they thought it was a mixture of bad parenting and a naughty boy!!.

Thank you again,off to bed now as he will be up early again.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

God, what a loathsome bunch of other mums - I cannot imagine what kind of person leaves one kid from a party out when it is only a small class. That is a cruel, snobby thing to do and perhaps those mums will one day find out what it feels like to have a child excluded. I did also think of writing a letter when my ASD DS started school, but instead just gradually picked out mums I thought seemed nicer and told them, then let it spread by word of mouth. Surely there are some of them who would feel for your child? If he is aggressive, we used an aversive technique via my ABA tutors - we washed his hair every time he did something aggressive (he hates that) and eventually he is not aggressive any more. Is that something you could adapt? That way, I can say to the other mums that my DS is not aggressive and that calms a lot of their fears/prejudices. Big hug!

[clarisa]

I know exactly how you feel......my son (9) has the same problem. Cut a long story short, he has dyspraxia, and is going through the diagnosis process of autism. He has a twin sister who is in the same class as him. She tends to play with him at break times as he is very often on his own. He does have 1 boy who speaks to him and plays with him at times when they are getting on!!! but other than that the others totally ignore him. He has tried to interact with other boys and is totally blanked..... I have witnessed this a number of times. I at present am looking into getting a statement of education and getting him nto a sn school, as he hates school and feels very alienated. There are always invites being passed around the children in his class...but he never receives any. His sister on the other hand does......and this makes things very awkward.

Society is very ignorant to children who do not 'look' like they have difficulties/problems..... and this is a thing we as parents have to hold our heads up to, and ignore the chitter chat and looks.

I hope things get easier for your child.... like suggested by another mummy try the little gathering of a few children and parents, make it a ' finding friends' party and hopefully he will be accepted.........but like I said before society is very cruel. None of the parents in my twins class speak to me......but my younger child goes to same school and I am lucky to have lots of mummys and daddys to speak to from there. xx take care

[cottonflee]

My son has the same problem, can i ask does your son realise, does he get upset by it? Mine doesn't in the end we realised that the ones that were most affected were DH and I. I'll tell you something, we always have a BIG birthday and Hallowen Party for him. Strangely all the kids who don't play with him a break time and all the kids who do not invite him to their parties ... well they all come to his parties. strange that.

[cottonflee]

My son has the same problem, can i ask does your son realise, does he get upset by it? Mine doesn't in the end we realised that the ones that were most affected were DH and I. I'll tell you something, we always have a BIG birthday and Hallowen Party for him. Strangely all the kids who don't play with him a break time and all the kids who do not invite him to their parties ... well they all come to his parties. strange that.

[mumwhereareyou]

Thanks again for all your kind messages.

No i don't think he does realise he doesn't get invited and it is just me and DH who get upset.

Anyway onwards and upwards for this week. Am going to try and invite a little boy to tea at our house this week. Also our Paed is coming to see him at home and at school this week,so hoefully she will give the school some insight into his behaviour.

I think i will ask the school about a buddy system as well

[dgeorgea]

Disclosure can be a two edged sword. With dd we did disclose to a few friends who saw a great deal of our daughter. They have been fantastic and this has helped our daughter and us to maintain friendships. One 'friend' not only didn't get it but then decided to wind our daughter up. Was a little surprised by the response from our friends who dumped her friendship there and then.

While we have had a good relationship with the school one huge dissapointment was they would not disclose her diagnosis to her peers (those in her class). It was discussed and I gave a lot of input on how it could be done, support for dd but also for the other children who would inevitably have other questions and how these should be answered.

In year 7 there was a lot of sympathy for my daughter by her peers and many who wanted to be her friend. By the end of yr 8 they would look out for her if someone was picking on her but generally indifferent. Year 9 a lot of resentment built up because she was being treated differently and they did not understand why.

DD wanted disclosure. Her attitude was she didn't have any friends anyway so she wouldn't lose any. At best it might help her to make some, even if it helped others to understand why she got upset and how to help her properly would have helped. Her main hope though was that if other children didn't want to know her they would just leave her alone.

Sadly I do think you have already answered why parents are the way they are. The school admitted until they knew the situation they put it down to poor parenting and being naughty. The school are now aware of the situation, parents are not.

I would hold off for the moment before considering disclosing information until you have a diagnosis. After diagnosis if you still think disclosure may help try and work with the school on the best way forward. I certainly would not do anything without letting them know first. Any flak which is likely to occur afterwards is likely to take place at school. If they are unprepared first they would not know to look out for additional problems, second it does give them the opportunity to prepare a response to parents to support you.

It is my own belief that children in general can be much more understanding then their parents when they understand what is happening. They can also be a lot less tollerant of bullying by their peers when they know. My daughters friends (she is now 14) are very protective towards her.

One huge thing that comes to mind is don't disclose before your child knows. It is one thing that you don't want happening is for them to find out in the playground.

As for the party thing, the saddest day for us was when we invited a lot of children to her birthday party, hired a magician etc and no one turned up.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

Dgeorgea, I could weep to think of no-one turning up at your DD's party. What kind of a world do we live in, how selfish and thoughtless people are!! My DS invited 5 NF kids to his 3rd birthday party two years ago, and has had not one invite back. What really annoys me is that one of those families is extremely religious (Christian) -how on earth can they sit and pray when they are unable to show the milk of human kindness to one of the most open-hearted children they will ever come across? My DS, because autistic, does not know anything about greed or malice or unkindness. If you live anywhere near me (in Surrey) then me and my 4 kids (age range - 4-13) will come to her next party!

[dgeorgea]

Thanks mum,

We're in the middle of London. I must admit I found it very difficult to cope with because the same thing happened to me when I was a child. So I knew very well what my daughter was feeling.

I never did ask any of the mums why they didn't turn up. To be frank I realy didn't care. She has never been invited to a party from school 'friends' but I've never really thought anything of it.

During the year after the party she met her best friend (so would have been her 6th birthday) and each year we have a small tea party to celebrate their birthdays as they are close together. She has never asked for another party, but I'm hoping we will be able to do something special for her 16th.

[ancientmiddleagedmum]

Well glad she has such a good pal, and count us in for her 16th as we are near London!

[magso]

Mumwhereareyou, Congratulations on your family. I really feel for you and you ds, it is so painful to watch. I can understand why you are so upset! It is particularly difficult in a village school, without the ready made supportive adult friendships made in pregnancy/ early motherhood! (Yes, my ds who sounds to have a similar background and difficulties- was left out of all but one childs class party when in ms - and that one mum has my thanks for ever!
I would not write to the other parents - I have been astonished by the ignorance and predudice in some adults (not the kids)! People just dont seem to cope with differences! I would talk to the teacher about including you child, and maybe look into getting on a waiting list for Beavers or Cubs or similar. If your ds wants to play (mine is desperate for social contact - just poor at social empathy and give and take!), and if invites home are turned down (every one always has a good reason not to come!) I found meeting afterschool in the park/library/ indoor play worked very well. This doesnt have to be organised if near school - but you may need to notice when other families do this. Having spare bottled water and healthy snacks to share can help also!!
The party and home invite situation never resolved for us, but Ds (now 8 and at MLD school)did start to be included in other ways. He often plays well with his peers younger (or indulgent older) siblings, as he plays at a younger level. He enjoys Beavers and clubs with good supervision.

[mumwhereareyou]

Well we had IEP review and the school have said that he has made excellent progress since September but still fill that he isn't ready for full time school which i was disappointed in.

They did mention that several of the parents had been in to see the HT with regards to my son and his behaviour (why not speak to me), anyway she said that she told them he had a complex history and was not a naughty child.

They also conmfirmed that he has a good friend, but the boys parents aren't to keen on it, but the school are working on it.

Then the paed came and saw him at home and is looking at Dx of Global development delay and Fragile X which will be confirmed shortly. Frankly i can't wait to get a proper Dx as it will a closure to the uncertainity.

Thanks for reading this and will try and use the boards more often now.