Really stressed-out caring for both DS and unhelpful DP at the moment! How to cope?

[dappledawn]

(have NC'd for this). DS is 9, and has an AS dx. I need to do a fair bit more for him, on a regular basis, than probably most kids require. This in itself leaves me tired and frazzled a lot of the time. Every social occasion is extra hard work for him, and so for me too. I find it really hard how little help and support I get from DP - who is (I strongly suspect now) also on the spectrum, but as an undiagnosed adult who is also in denial. He doesn't do much to help out with DS, is very uncommunicative generally, and every few months, he throws some kind of 'wobbly' himself, sometimes for no apparent reason. EG: right now he is at home, off work for a few days because he is... tired. Won't explain, just lounges around expecting to be waited on hand and foot for an indefinite period. Won't see the Dr to have his medication (antipsychotic) checked etc. - though I have suggested this.

My less charitable side suggests that he is just jealous of all the attention that DS (necessarily) gets and may be doing this to force me to pay him more attention. All very well - but I am already tired and fed-up!! I feel like I could burn out sometimes, and annoyed too at the expectation that I need no life of my own, and am just here to serve them 24/7! Does anyone else have a DP who behaves like this? It feels like living with a 'black hole' (cosmic kind). How can a full-time carer ever get a break from all the demands? DS can't help it; but I find having to be around such a self-centred needy adult as well, a bit too much at the moment. (NB: no close family around, so I am pretty isolated). Wish I could just get away from it all, but I can't.

[needadvice1000]

I almost wrote this same post yesterday (well age of child different but otherwise the same !)
I am too asleep to post any words of wisdom but just wanted to let you know you are not alone, and will be back to post if I think of anything sensible.

[dappledawn]

Thank you for fellow-feeling, needadvice (not that I would wish this on anyone...) I did post earlier, but it got lost!

It just helps to let off steam sometimes...that feeling of doing all the work, and 'carrying' another adult (as well as a child) who seems to think it's their birthright to be waited on, and 'rest' as much as they want, even in the absence of no obvious symptoms? Why is it that mothers almost never get to stop/rest, even when they are ill - but for men, just feeling off-colour is an excuse to do nothing and wait to be waited on?! Grrrrr... ....wish I felt more loving and gracious!

[3littlefrogs]

Why are you with your DP?
Seriously - I think you need to ask yourself this question.
What does he contribute to your relationship/life/son?

[dappledawn]

I quite often ask myself this question these days, 3littlefrogs. Currently I am not working, (as am needed to do all the xtras for DS) so am at the moment financially dependent. Also, I have to say, I am in some fear of the consequences should I ever try to leave - not only all the usual potential negatives for DS ( - though he might actually find it a relief too!) - but DP might either implode completely, or else lash out terminally....not simple choices here. I have read too many horror stories in the press recently of fathers who decide to do away with themselves and decide to try to take everyone else with them...Can't see how that should (rationally) happen, but sadly - in RL - it sometimes does. In our case, the consquences of any such a decision on my part would undoubtedly be very difficult and unpredictable at best, so at the moment it's not an option. If it ever came to seem a safer option, then believe me, I would take it.

[3littlefrogs]

That is awful.