Am I doing it all wrong? 8 wk baby cannot fall asleep on her own :(

[megsy123]

I am new to mumsnet - I have a lovely little 8 wk old daughter who is challenging me with several sleep issues and I and look forward to any advice/suggestions that anybody may have. I feel like nothing I am doing is working and am getting desperate! Here is a bit of background:

Days: She can ONLY fall asleep if being rocked for ages or, especially, if she breastfeeds until she falls asleep. As soon as she is put down in her moses basket, cot or bouncer chair, she wakes up, if not instantly, within 5 minutes and cries, and she is still obviously sleepy. She has never been able to fall asleep on her own accord - she gets very close, but without fail, she wakes herself up as soon as her eyes start to droop. She absolutely hates her pram and carseat - she has never been able to fall asleep in them and instead screams blue murder as soon as she gets tired. The only place I seem to be able to get her to sleep without breastfeeding her is in a sling.

Nights: She is currently sleeping pretty fairly well during the night, (going to bed at 7pm and waking for feeds around midnight and 3am and then up around 5.30am), however, again, she needs to be breastfed and then placed in her cot when she is in a deep sleep. I have tried putting her down awake and it has worked a few times at night, but more often than not, she screams and instantly wants to go back on the breast.

I suppose the days are a bigger issue because I feel housebound and like all I do is spend the entire day trying to get her to sleep which is exhausting for the both of us!

Has anybody had these problems?

Does anybody have any suggestions on how to get my daughter to settle herself to sleep when she has not ever been able to do it up to now?

Has anybody tried using a sleep consultant/specialist, and if so, can they recommend anybody? (I am in SW London).

I look forward to your responses!

Mx

[permaquandry]

Congrats on the baby! Nobody tells you before you have a baby, how much you will talk about sleep!

I could have written your post and unfortunately, I have no advice other than get some sound advice, because my baby is now 9 and STILL cannot soothe self to sleep......

Good luck.

[DangoDays]

Hey Megsy. Congrats! Exciting and challenging times.

H

[mrsmugoo]

8 weeks is tiny! The ability to self settle is a developmental milestone that doesn't usually come until around 4-6 months at the earliest - so your DD is completely normal and you should do whatever you need to do to get her to sleep anywhere/anyhow for now.

It is exhausting all the rocking, bouncing, jiggling etc... but it won't be forever.

My DS took every single one of his daytime sleeps on me until almost 4 months when I transitioned him first to bouncy chair then cot.

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

This is completely and utterly normal and natural. 8 weeks ago she was inside you without any unmet needs. Google 4th trimester, most babies are like this honestly, you don't need to sleep train. I'm inclined to say enjoy the cuddles while she still needs you for sleep...but that's easy for me to say when I've come out the other side. but seriously this isn't unusual at all, but you'll probably find nobody in RL will admit their baby is the same; luckily you have MN to tell you the truth

[goshhhhhh]

She is too little to self soothe. She needs you & hasn't cottoned on to the fact she is a separate being. If it is any consolation being with you will make her more secure in long run.
Mine are now 8 & 12. First one terrible sleeper because of me ! ( at least until 10 months) but slept through night early. She had colic & was exhausted. 2nd great sleeper because he had to get on with it. What I would suggest is go with the flow & then start getting some kind of bedtime routine going as a marker of the wind down time to bed. Your baby will get the hang of it eventually. Remember every phase passes.....& then you miss the period of time you used to moan about!

[HumphreyCobbler]

Can you go out anyway, with the baby in the sling? That way she may well fall asleep and you will get out for a bit.

Have you tried white noise? I had it loudly on under the chair/basket and it worked really well.

None of my three would ever be put down awake. I genuinely don't know how other people managed to have children that would do this.

[EugenesAxe]

Don't shoot me... but you might want to try a soother/dummy. My DSis used one from day 2 and had no worries breastfeeding until DN was over a year .

My DS was like this and honestly the soother was such a breakthrough. He was a bit colicky. It did not limit his ability to self settle later and he kicked the habit of his own volition around 17m.

[HumphreyCobbler]

Yes, I tried v hard to get my last ds to take a dummy. Was gutted when he wasn't having any of it.

[DangoDays]

Dear god! Sorry!

Okay - so sounds normal to me. Ds1 would only feed to sleep/pram/sling at 8 weeks. Certainly not self settle without dummy. Eventually he did so in that sense it will happen!

Ds2 has generally self settles but not always.

It can feel really restrictive to be housebound. Will she sleep in a pram for a walk? If so just go out. Night times sounds pretty good...

Your dd is still really young so give it time. Keep an eye on how you'd ultimately like things to be - it's important not to lose sights of your own needs eg wanting a baby to fall asleep alone. But keep in mind what's realistic and whether it really matters right now....often with children it seems like the thing on your mind is all consuming and then it just passes making you wonder what the big deal was in the first place... (Must take own advice about ds1 refusal to go to bed - it'll pass!)

[MrsMaturin]

I agree with the other posters. She is too little to know how to go to sleep. Once you've had a baby that's something you know but before you have your first nobody ever seems to tell you that and it is very worrying. I remember putting dd1 down and picking her up, putting her down and picking her up.......

Basic rule for a baby this age is do whatever gets you through. If she is happy in the sling and you want to go out then sling her rather than pram. If you need to spend the whole day feeding and cuddling (and watching tv) then that's what you need to do. There is nothing wrong in meeting your baby's needs. In an ideal world we'd be able to do a kangaroo type thing and shove them back inside for times like this but that's not happening for us alas.

[DangoDays]

Oh and maybe try a muslin that you've had next to you as a comfort cloth. No luck with ds1 but ds2 has to have a Tshirt of mine or a cloth - he really cuddles into it..

[pebPEB1]

I've just posted similarly today, except with a bit more emphasis on creating a routine so I will watch your thread with interest. My DD is the same although will sleep in car seat and sometimes in pram. And I use the carrier a lot to get out and about at home.
I was, still am the same as you but now feel like I've made mistakes in not setting a routine or havig a bedtime routine as i shower then bath DD in the morning. She is 12 wks now and I'm getting stressed about what to do right & what I've done wrong as she's no longer a 'newborn'!
I clearly am not the right person to offer advice but you aren't alone and your night times sound good!
I hope some wiser mumsnetters offer you reassurance x

[curiousuze]

Your baby is completely normal. She cannot self soothe at this age, she needs milk and your presence. None of the things you are talking about are 'sleep issues' they are normal behaviour for a newborn. I think you are expecting an 8 week old to behave like a one year old! Don't stress yourself, she is actually sleeping brilliantly for her age.

[PicardyThird]

Normal. Normal normal normal normal normal normal normal. Yy to 4th trimester. It is an evolutionary survival mechanism for young babies to only sleep in the proximity of their caregiver and to rouse easily. I know what a shock to the system it is and I know what it is like on no sleep (I have two that didn't sleep through until well into their second year; I was bfing them to sleep until they were twoish - path of least resistance and worked fine for us - they are now wonderful securely attached and independent 9 and rising 7) but in a way it is a beautiful thing that she needs you so much to fall into that safe secure sleep. IME bedtime 'routines' don't come into their own until the second half of the first year at the very, very earliest.

In the days, I would go with the sling - ideal for being out and about and a lovely feeling IMO and E.

[cowbiscuits]

Congratulations on your lovely new baby girl. I wouldn't expect a baby this young to go to sleep without its mum. 8 weeks is a still tiny tiny baby. You might know people who claim their babies self settle at this age but it's not the norm.

When my little boy was tiny my mum used to ask "Have you tried just putting him down when he's tired?" Because that had worked for me and my brother when we were babies, but oh no not a chance, it never worked.

I used to get comfy on the sofa or propped up on pillows, and cuddle DS while I bf him to sleep for naps, with tablet/kindle/tv/book. Looking back it was really a special and lovely time. There was a (very unreliable) trick to knowing when he was asleep enough to be put into his moses basket without waking him.

Please don't waste money on things like sleep specialists this early, it won't always be like this, there will probably be countless changes to your baby's sleep patterns as she grows. For example my DS had just started sleeping well at around 12 weeks then it all went pear-shaped at 20 weeks. Then got better and worse again over the following year, it changes all the time. Needing to be breastfed to sleep at 8 weeks is not a "problem".

I A dummy is worth a try though. I was against them, but for no real reason, maybe I didn't like the look or I was being snobby, then when DS got older there were many times I wished I'd got him to use one. I tried when he was a bit older but he wouldn't take one.

Also you could have a read of "No Cry Sleep Solution" but it mostly applies to older babies.

[curiousuze]

Also to poster above, three months is totally still a newborn! I didn't bother with a bedtime routine till about 5-6 months.

[Misty9]

Are you me?! Seriously, you have exactly described my baby at 8 weeks, especially the car seat and pram hating part. Do you also get told by everyone how they've never met a baby who won't sleep in those things?!

The good news? Mine is now 13 weeks and things are improving, slightly. She'll tolerate the car seat though I admit the 10 hour car journey was probably taking the piss and even sometimes stays asleep in it after a journey.

The other good news? Not self settling is NORMAL. Mine won't sleep without boob either, except during the day when she'll fall asleep in the sling. They figure it out in time - then forget again when they're two! I wish I was joking

I also know exactly what you mean about feeling house bound. What type of sling have you got? I've got a dodgy back and tried a few from a sling library. I've now bought my favourite and I just sling her for naps but still take the pram for somewhere to put all my crap her when awake.

Congrats on your baby :)

[PurplePidjin]

Completely, totally and utterly normal!

Get a good sling (stretchy tee shirt material ones like Moby or Close Caboo are the best at that age) and just roll with it. She'll get there in her own time, right now she's doing fabulously and so are you

[cailindana]

There are no sleep issues, you just have a tiny baby who hasn't read all the books about how she's supposed to be perfect. She doesn't need training, she needs cuddles and you need to relax. Do whatever it takes to get her to sleep. The more sleep she gets the happier she'll be and the greater the chance she will get more settled and be happier about the car seat and the buggy.

Good luck.

[SlicedAndDiced]

Your baby doesn't have sleep issues she's totally normal.

Hang in op it gets better.

(Eyes up 1yr old dd)

I'm just not sure when.....

[megsy123]

Thank you all!

I have to say, that for a first time mumsnet-er, I am so impressed and touched that people take the time to respond to a frantic new mum!

I guess I got so overwhelmed with reading all the baby books that are telling you - routine, routine, routine and that your baby should be able to just go to sleep on their own or with a gentle hand on their belly and a 'shhhh...' Doesn't help that all my NCT friends babies seem to go to sleep on their own with no problem. Also, people seem gobsmacked that she won't sleep in her pram/the car and that in turn makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. It is reassuring to hear that it happens to a lot of other mums and that it's normal!

I have tried a dummy, (still don't understand what all the stigma is attached to them!) but to my despair, she finds them revolting most of the time! The sling is what I use to go out, but there is a very short window before she wakes up and goes into meltdown mode!

I will try to relax a bit and take it more in my stride.... would still be nice to be able to leave the house for more than 40 minutes though!

Thanks mums!

Mx

[skitter]

I found the only thing that helped my ds settle (other than feeding) at that age was white noise. We used a track downloaded on iTunes and it was amazing - he just dozed off! I still fed to sleep a lot of the time (and loved doing it) but the white noise was a lifesaver when I was really tired or felt desperate for some alone time after a difficult day. My NCT group's babies all seemed to self settle early too, but when I think back I realise no one actually told me that they did - I just assumed based on what I saw when I was at their houses and how well they all seemed to be coping! In reality they all had similar sleep habits at this age.

[loopylou52]

I'm in a very similar situation with my 9 week old, except he doesn't go to sleep as early in the evening as he's too overtired from not sleeping in the day! I'm lucky in that he will sleep in car/pram (though hit and miss) but I can't always time going out with when he needs a nap. The sling does work but it's way too hot for it here at the moment.

In summary, I don't have any useful advice but wanted to let you know you're not alone!

[Justgotosleepnow]

Just out of interest OP which sleep books are you reading?

And to agree with everyone else, your baby is NORMAL! 8 weeks ago she was snug inside you never feeling cold or hungry etc. she doesn't really know she's separate from you yet so she needs you. But it is exhausting I know.

Definitely try a sling.

And ignore your Nct pals. They are either lying or all really lucky with easy sleepers. In my experience most mothers lie about their baby's sleep. Parenting seems to be a competitive sport sadly.

I just want to add, any person can write a book and get published and sell lots. It doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. And they have definitely not met your baby. You are the expert on your baby.

A good book is Penelope Leach your baby's first year. This is all evidence based science and common sense. I found it quite helpful.

My baby is 15 months old and she still falls asleep while Breastfeeding for naps and night time sleep. I've stopped seeing it as a problem, it's just what she happens to need to go to sleep. It won't last forever.

Congratulations on your new baby!

[goshhhhhh]

Btw my dd1 hated the car & car seat. She was also awake what seemed like ALL the time. My HV told me she was probably v bright. I thought she was telling me that to make me feel better .....turns out she is v bright! Not sure if that is a coincidence though!