Feeling like a failure...how do I help him sleep?

[Babytalkobsession]

Hi all,

I'm really struggling and not sure what my next move should be. DS is 8.5 months and has always been a bit of a challenging sleeper. But I'm at breaking point.

His nights were ok-ish, going down around 6:30pm (rocked to sleep) and waking once or twice, usually up at 5/6am. We did a bit of controlled crying which worked briefly so we were able to put him down drowsy. All good.

However, for the last 4 weeks it's all gone wrong. He's exhausted at bedtime (6:30) and falls asleep but is then awake screaming 45mins later. This then carries in until midnight /1am, maybe later before he finally drops, then maybe waking 1 more time after that. He doesn't want milk, won't sleep in our arms properly, bringing him in with us is just a fun game, we rock and shhh until he's asleep and try to put him down. Usually it take multiple attempts. If I sit while holding he wakes up screaming again.

He mastered crawling & standing around this time, we had a week away, his first tooth came through and he got hand, foot & mouth virus so it's been a tough time for him. He's over the illness now but the sleep is still a disaster.

The HV advised to go back to CC which I tried but failed at tonight (eventually gave in, me & him sobbing our hearts out).

I know he's in the middle if a big development leap and I guess separation anxiety is around now? I also think he's over tired. He never naps more than 45mins usually has 2 naps plus maybe a 20-30min catnap but these take a lot of rocking / walking.

I'm sorry this is so long but I just don't know what to do next. Ride it out? Stick with CC? Are there any other ways to help them learn to settle themselves?

I just want him to be happy and well rested. He's happy most of the time but he looks exhausted, red eyes and yawning. I really want to help him and get a bit more sleep myself.

Can anyone can help?

[ChazzerChaser]

I'd ride it out. It's all phases. He just needs your love to help him through them. If you want to do something more, have you heard of No Cry asleep Solution by Pantley? A more gentle approach to sleep 'training'.

[Babytalkobsession]

Thanks. I know 4 weeks in the scheme of things isn't that long but it feels like forever when in the middle of it. I guess we'll keep going as we are.

I just wish I could help him settle. I can see he's desperate for sleep and can't drop off on us anymore but doesn't want to go in his cot. I've got the No Cry book but never found it really very helpful - will revisit it again. I think if I can get him to nap longer he wouldn't be so wired at bedtime but that's easier said then done.

Just feel like all of a sudden I'm doing everything wrong. I'm sure it wouldn't have been so complicated a couple of generations ago!

Thanks for replying-

[Squeakyheart]

Hi baby talk, I don't have any advice as mine is doing something similar at the moment and I don't know how to fix it either! Today I have decided to concentrate on naps so rocking in the pram as much as I have to get her to sleep and feeding as often as she wants! I know I am "making a rod for my own back" but I am doing what I have to to get through this.

I don't think it was easier a couple of generations ago other then not having the internet there to make you feel like a bad mum for not getting baby to self settle and sleep through without crying, dummy or feeding!

It sometimes feels that whatever I do there's a thread telling me it's wrong so today I am doing what works for us and hopefully things will settle and I can look at some sleep training when we are both not so tired and grumpy(she definitely gets that from me!)

Hope things settle soon it sounds like you have had a rough four weeks!

[CityDweller]

You say he never naps for more than 45 mins... Have you tried resettling him after 45 mins? It took DD ages to 'learn' to nap past 1 sleep cycle, and it involved me dashing into her room at the first peep, picking her up (no talking, no eye contact) and rocking her back to sleep. It took patience (and strong arm muscles) as it'd often take up to 20 mins to get her back off again, but once she did she'd often sleep for another hour+. Eventually she twigged and started taking longer (1.5-2hr) naps, something I would never imagined possible at the time.

[CityDweller]

Oh, and meant to say, don't feel like a failure! Every baby is different when it comes to sleep and to a great extent it's developmental anyway (i.e. they get better at it in their own good time). I think a lot of 'sleep training' is just stuff for us to do so that we feel we're doing something. Although I do think that we can help them learn good habits...

[Babytalkobsession]

Thanks for your replies everyone. It's lovely just to get some reassurance that it's just what babies do rather than something I'm doing!

I'm focusing on naps today too Sqeaky. I sat in his room ready to ssshhh him back as soon as he stirred but it didn't work, wide awake. Trying it again now for his lunch time nap. He slept 40 mins and woke, rocked back for another 10 mins, then another. What's interesting is that as soon as he stirs he has the compulsion to sit up / stand whilst still half asleep. Makes me think it is developmental.

I hope you're having success Squeaky and thank City for your advice. It's worked do far, 1hr 10 now although a lot of that in my arms :)

[NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown]

You're not a failure, your DC is a baby not a robot! you are not responsible for getting him to sleep, all you can do is provide the opportunity and the environment and wait until he's developmentally ready to do the rest.

DS was like this, total bloody nightmare with naps from birth. .I fed, I rocked, I walked miles with him in a sling or buggy (got rid of the baby weight which was a plus but he'd wake at a snail breathing), I sang to him, shushed him, patted him, tried to extend his naps. .admittedly I never left him to cry but I tried everything else. He just couldn't nap longer than a cat nap and took forever to take it.

When DD came along he was 21 months, a few months later I began a routine with them both to try and sync their naps. I didn't 'do' anything to help him but eventually he started napping longer and now at 3.6 he still has a nap most days and sometimes will sleep for 3 hours!

I'm trying to give you hope but also encourage you to drop the idea that you have to DO something. Maybe there's nothing you can do but provide the opportunity and cues that it's nap time and just accept that for now he is struggling with sleep but that's NOT your fault. just be there for him. It IS just a phase even though it's crap and feels like forever. I think children need to feel safe in order to fall asleep and stay asleep and for some that takes longer than for others. .just let him know that you are there and if he's going to get it he will get it in his own time. I know it's a cliché but this too shall pass

[CityDweller]

My policy was to extend naps anyway I could - so that included rocking and then holding her while she slept, feeding and then holding her while she slept, pounding pavements for hours to get her/ keep her asleep. When rocking her back to sleep, I'd always wait a good few minutes for her body to go really relaxed before trying the 'cot drop' (which would often fail, and I'd have to re-start the rocking). But, it was really worth it as now she's a great napper (and sleeper in general - again, something I would have hysterically laughed at the prospect of a year ago).

Hang in there. It will get better (and then you'll be the one giving tips on MN!)

[ChazzerChaser]

You're not doing it wrong at all. Babies are complicated humans just like the rest of us. There isn't an easy answer and anyone who claims there is is trying to sell a book lying. Several of my friends talked about a thing where their babies would walk/crawl in their sleep when they were getting to that stage so it doesn't sound odd.

[buffythebarbieslayer]

That's a great post NiceCupOfTea

Currently struggling with a heavy baby that won't self settle and in the heat. Your post helped

[FlossieTreadlight]

My DD was exactly the same - from 8.5m to 9.5. I have never been so tired in my life (so bad i didn't feel safe to drive for about a fortnight) but it passed, she learnt to crawl and starting 'proper' napping about 1 month later.

I think you've got it nailed re developmental leaps and these play havoc with sleep. Still put him down for naps /bed (despite the futility ) and grit your teeth. Whatever you do, don't blame yourself, you're doing a great job so be kind to yourself

[Karoleann]

DD3 who usually sleeps 7-7 and has done since 6 weeks old was up all night last night......finally went to sleep at 2am in our bed (not my usual plan), but was still up at 7.

She was horrible and grumpy all day.

Last night was just horribly stuffy and uncomfortable and I think the next few nights will be the same. I wouldn't think it, but just accept that its just difficult at the moment.

[CityDweller]

The other comfort you can take is that when he does start crawling properly his sleep should improve as he'll be more physically tired! The crawling milestone coincides exactly with when DD started sleeping through the night and her naps improving too.

[Singsongmama]

Sleeping and feeding are two major sources of concern and when it goes "wrong" it feels awful. I was tearing my hair out last night. DS woke for a feed at 11pm then at 3am. I fed him and put him down but at 5am he was still wide awake, crying and exhausted. Nothing I did would help him sleep....nothing. It was horrendous. He's been shattered today.

Let's be kind to ourselves... We are doing fine, they will grow out of it, it could be any number of things.

Sending you lots of sleep dust (and keeping a reasonable pinch for singsong house too!)

[sososotired]

I can't give much advice but my DS now 11 months went through the same thing, I was told by the HV it's separation anxiety I decided that he is already upset so cc and CIO is just not an option, I offered him some more milk and rocked him and he ended co sleeping a lot! He grew out of it I guess I took the smother him with love and he will feel secure way!
The no cry sleep solution is a lovely book it takes a while to get a result but it's very gentle!!
Good luck!!

[Babytalkobsession]

Thank you for your lovely posts everyone. Just removing that pressure of having to 'do' something has made today / this evening so much easier.

I just rocked and fed and cuddled and did whatever to get him to sleep. He's woken once but it is 27 degrees in his room so I don't blame him! I'm just going to go with the flow, rest when he does and wait it out. He's crawling like a rocket and cruising now so hopefully will start to tire himself out in the day.

What a lovely site this is :) feeling so much better than I did last night x

[Umbrellasandladders]

Hi baby talk,

I hope this makes you feel better. I'm mum to a 10.5 month old DD. I did sleep training at 7 months to get her to self settle at bedtime. It was painful but she was able to self settle then. Anyway teeth came in, we regresses back to feeding to sleep. Had to 'train' again! Awful. Tears and tears. Last three nights we regresses again as teeth came in again!

So I'm back to square one! After two lots of sleep training!

I'm waiting it out now. Sigh.

[ChazzerChaser]

Umbrellas you're not alone. I've heard that plenty, the train, retrain, retrain cycle.

[Anotheronesoon]

Ooh i could have written that post op! My 22 month old has been a terrible sleeper from day 1! I felt like such a failure as a Mum and have shed many a sleep deprived tear over it and read every book and tried every method going. Finally persuaded my husband to agree to a sleep nanny at Christmas time as was also six months pregnant and was beginning to dread having a baby up in night as well as ds waking all the time and refusing sleep. Dh was not keen on sleep nanny as they are expensive and ridiculously middle class but it saved my sanity and was the best thing ever. I was so tired I couldn't see the woods for the trees and it was great just following what the sleep last advised and reporting back to her every week and being coached through it by somebody who had done this before. Ds sleeps much better now and nothing she said was rocket science but it was just having someone tell me what to do and support me that helped. Now my youngest is 3 months and becoming a bit of a pickle with naps not lasting more than 45 min and needing to feed to sleep I'm going to get in touch with she again before poor habits form. Definitely worth the money I would say especially when you are so tired! Good luck!