Three times in 11 days I've been told off for co-sleeping now

[emkana]

Once by midwife in hospital immediately after ds was born, once by nurse in hospital when I was in with ds because of his pneumonia (she actually picked him up from next to me, put him in his cot and said to him "You're going to get smothered you know") and once today by the visiting community midwife (not the usual one). Well, the last one didn't actually tell me off, but she said very severely to me "He does sleep next to you, not in bed with you, doesn't he? That's very important." So I avoided looking her in the eye and said "Oh yeah he sleeps next to me"

I've always been a convinced co-sleeper, but now I'm actually having doubts whether I'm doing the right thing. The trouble is that I find it soooooooooo hard to stay awake while feeding, so often I will fall asleep while ds is feeding lying next to me, close up, and I do worry that I might end up smothering him. But I don't know how to avoid it! I'm so used to night-feeding after doing it with the dd's that I do it sort of subconsciously...

I'm really worried about this, what shall I do?

[moondog]

Oh bollocks to it.
I had a long discussion with my enlightened MW friend the other day.
They have to pitch advice at the lowest common denominator (ie the smokers,the drinkers,the drugtakers)and of course can't add the coda that if you aren't one of these,then it doesn't apply to me.

There is a hidden story behind it all. For example,she was saying that some people are now freaked out by sofas as seem to have been implicated in SIDS cases.
But,people who are sleeping on sofas are more likely to be living an erratic lifestyle (eg no fixed address,staying at friend's homes,living in accommodation where there aren't enough beds for everyone,things that are associated with people from less privileged homes. Those things make a SIDS case more likely,not the bloody sofa.

Do you get my drift??

Sleep with your baby.You both need it.

XXX

[ssd]

do what YOU want emkana, you are the expert when it comes to your own children.

the people who frown at what you're doing will have done things with their own kids you wouldn't dream of so remember to follow your instincts and suit yourself.

my ds1 slept with me for years, then around age 5-6 started sleeping himself and is fine now.

I repeat do what suits you not the "experts".

[hulababy]

Do what is right for you and your baby emkana. Ignore comments. I co-slept with DD. I know some people thought it was wrong to do so, luckily not many dare actually say it!

[lucykate]

i co-slept with both mine, still do with ds (1) when he's poorly. i think with everything you've had on your plate so far, co -sleeping is not something you should be worrying about. i used to sleep on my own with mine when they were really little, in a double bed so there was plenty of space for both of us and air circulating around

[Pinotmum]

I co slept with both of mine and ds was 19 months before he slept in his own bed

[fishie]

i was so paranoid about co-sleeping when ds was tiny that he spent the first two months on my stomach (which was plenty big enough ). i got over it and moved on to normal bed sharing, but didn't really tell anyone as you get such bonkers reactions. he was into a bedside cot at 6 months, detached and sleeping through by 10 months.

you have done it before, you know it is ok. what moondog said is very true.

[humphrey]

I am reading 'Three in a bed - the benefits of sleeping with your baby' by Deborah Jackson it has confirmed that my sleeping with my 12 week old is definately the right thing to do and I now don't tell anyone unless I think that they might agree with it as so many people have very strong views about it being so wrong. This book says that it is something that has been 'eradicted through decades of Victorian valuse and well-meaning advice' and there are lots of cultures which would find it strange for you not to sleep with your baby in the same bed. I use a bed guard and sleep with baby on outside as DH sleeps so soundly and DD often gets in and sleeps between DH and I, I make sure that the quilt isn't over baby or the pillows are not near him. It is so much easier to feed especially as mine has gone back to feeding every 2.5hours in the night I could never survive with the disturbed sleep if I had to keep getting up to go to another room to feed, settle him then get myself back to sleep and then DD if she has been woken up. I feel co-sleeping is the right thing if it suits you and you are taking all the safety precautions - it doesn't suit everyone though. I would recommend you read this book

[gettingthere]

I co-slept with both dd's. Like you I couldn't stay awake during the night feeds. I never found myself in a completely deep sleep so after a while I would wake up and move the baby. Did them no harm and it mean that I actually got to sleep. Midwives have their own opinions which are based on how they interpret research.

As all the others have said before me, do what you want.

[Lact8]

I too have been a secret co-sleeper. I have always just nodded when the HV came to visit and kept the truth to myself.

I put DD, 6 months, in her cot for the first time ever 2 weeks ago due to a shoulder injury and needing to stretch out more in the bed. I had planned on getting her in with me when she woke for a feed during the night, but she didn't stir all night

She is now in her cot and sleeping through all night and I'm quite sad about it

I'd say enjoy it while you can emkana, nothing beats lying there half awake looking at a sleeping/feeding baby. It just feels so right

[LaDiDaDi]

I know exactly how you feel emkana as i posted a thread recently about co-sleeping (although as I am stupid I posted in parenting section).

My dp was anxious about co-sleeping which like you I find much easier for nightime feeds. His anxiety was fuelled +++++ by a friend who is a support worker for teenage mums and homeless mums. She had a complete go at me for co-sleeping, saying things like "I thought it was only my stupid mums who co-sleep" and "you should know better" "you're setting yourself up for a disaster" !

[Littlefish]

I have a good friend who is a midwife.

Her dd is nearly 3. They still co-sleep and she is still breastfeeding.

Her dd is one of the most confident, charming children I have ever met.

Stick to your guns Emkana. You have had enough stress and heartache recently. Enjoy some wonderful co-sleeping with you ds if that is what you want to do.

[TooTicky]

There will always be people who disapprove. Just politely ignore them. Think about how much stress your lo is avoiding because he is lucky enough to be sleeping with his mum. I've also heard that being near the mother, hearing her breathing, helps to regulate the baby's breathing. I co-slept with all mine - ds2 and dd2 are still in with me. Enjoy it!
Also, as a bf mum, you are so well attuned to your baby and his needs that you can feed in your sleep, and if you need to wake you will.

[SSSandy]

Not sure but I think that may be a British approach. I expect most parents the world over do co-sleep with babies. I did and here everyone seemed to assume I would be doing it. Had the impression it was the norm really.

[oxocube]

Also co-slept with my 3. It felt right to me (not so sure about dh!). Just remember that there will always be somethings you are criticised for as a parent - try to adopt a 'stuff them' mentality!!

[emkana]

What gets to me is not the implication of spoiling them - I'm quite confident that that's nothing to worry about - it's the implication that I'm willing to risk killing him.

[TooTicky]

It's just scare tactics.

[NotAnOtterOnBoard]

when i was in hosp with ds4 a few weeks back there were posters in my room saying if the baby was in bed with me they would remove him

[emkana]

OMG really notanotter?
I find that truly shocking - you are the mother, at the end of the day it should be your decision.

[Medulla]

Have to say that coouldn't have co-slept with mine - they would have probably slept but I wouldn't. However I feel that it is each mother decision and the professionals are there to offer ADVICE! at the hospital poster - how dare they! My HV once told me listen to 100% of the advice and then choose which 20% you are going to use - wise words!

[madrose]

You're doing exactly what I did with my DD, everytime I fed her at night I would just drift off and fall asleep, made sure - no duvet or pillows were near her.

Once I woke up at 7am and she was still attached to the boob (I had started feeding at 3am ) but DH said that I had reached out for her in my sleep as she had wimpered (she was between DH & I) and just stuck her on the boob. It is the most natural thing in the world to co-sleep with your baby. I can remember that even in her sleep she would snuggle up to me even if I moved her right away from me.

enjoy your gorgeous little man

[fransmom]

good grief what is it with some hv and mw? right from when i had my dd, well the second night, i co-slept with dd as it felt completely natural - only then it was called "rooming-in"! this was supposed to allow the baby to get used to your scent and to help regulate his/her breathing, like somebody else on here has said. i also used to co-sleep when we got home from hospital (spent nearly a week in there - as i knew i wouldn't have the time to be so relaxed (hah!)once i got home) we had a double bed and fitted all 3of us in there. i was the only one that didn't sleep! well, with both of them snoring even rip van winkle would've been hard pushed to sleep
anyway. when i moved dd over onto her back so she would be morre comfy, i always checked that she wasn't covered by the duvet or pillows etc and she was fine and i'm sure that it's helped her to bond very closely with me.

my point is (eventually!) that you do what you feel comfortable with and, pardon me, but bugger everyone else who suggests you do different. the lady who said about her hv advising to listen to 100% of the advice (often unwarranted and unasked for) and just take on board the 20% that applies to you.

from your post it would seem that you not first timer so tell the hv to go away (although maybe not as politely!)

(((((hugs and kisses ))))) x fm

[Chloe55]

Yep, I got it too from my family/hv/midwife. In fact, I ended up in an argument with the hv when she asked me to a question and answer talk with pg mothers. I said that co-sleeping enabled me to continue to bf for longer than I would have done and I got a right bollocking (in front of all the mums-to-be which did not please me. So I spouted some stuff I had read about other countries who have a high co-sleeping population having lower SID rates, the fact that I would have probably lasted a day or two bf had I not co-slept and that I didn't think it was very motherly to carry a baby for 9mths then epect him to be contented all alone in his crib. Don't think she will be asking me back

Do what you think is best.

[TheLadyVanishes]

I thought they encouraged co-sleeping particularly if b/feeding, i know one of my midwives told me to do it when i had dd last year, do what you feel is right for you and don't listen to anyone else

[lucykate]

emkana, he is your 3rd baby isn't he. you are an experienced mum, don't let anyone make you doubt your own experience and ability.