WHAT am I supposed to do now

[MummyElk]

I have three children. Dd1 is nearly 5, dd2 is nearly 3 and ds is about 10wks old. His arrival hasn't had much negative impact on the DDs as their sleeping was pretty dreadful before so whilst I appreciate it's been a tumultuous few months for them, they really have been always dreadful at going to bed.
We don't change the routine, we don't change the time. We've tried star charts, pocket money, reward charts, threats (no play at the park tomorrow/no sweeties/etc etc). We've tried splitting them up into separate rooms. We've tried putting them in together.
We've tried supernanny. We've tried sitting it out. We've tried just letting them get on with.
I honestly feel like we've done EVERYTHING.
But the only thing, the Only Thing that seems to work, is me going ballistic at them and I CANNOT keep doing it. For a start it can't be good parenting, it can't not be affecting them psychologically, and it cannot surely be the way forward for a decent night's sleep?!!
DH is away at least two nights a week with work so I have to crack this soon or I'll honestly walk out. Added to that is poor DS who really just needs a quiet uninterrupted feed in the evening and a cuddle, rather than being left to wonder where mummy has gone for the umpteenth time to attend to his screaming, crying sisters.
Please help me. I don't think I'm an awful mother, not until bedtime at least, but I cannot fathom what I've ever done wrong to have such a terrible bedtime situation.
If I sound bleak I am but DH has been away for two nights now and so I'm at that GlassHalfEmpty stage.
Sorry.

[Skang]

What actually is happening?

[Collienova]

Yes, it would be helpful to know what your current routine is and how the older siblings act during bedtime? Do they refuse to go to sleep, wake often?

[MummyElk]

Right sorry. Good point.
So generally it's 645 bath (earlier on school nights perhaps). Then teeth, toilet. Then read a couple of books together in their room (dimmed lights etc). If DH home it's ideally both of us so that each girl gets some time and a book each etc.
Generally by 730 it's goodnight. Dd2 oftens asks us to watch her. We do for about two minutes.
What happens afterwards varies.
One of then invariably gets back out and calls for us from the top of the stairs (water/scared/can't sleep/watch me). Dd1 sometimes has a poo (even with toilet call after bath). It we are lucky they both settle and go quiet. If they rag about or play in their room we separate them into different rooms.
What they seem to be doing much more of is crying. Inconsolable, half awake crying. Sometimes it's before they've even gone to sleep. Sometimes it's after they've slept for a bit. Dd1 has these particularly if overtired. At some point one of them will sit up bawling their eyes out and one of us will have to sit/lie and cuddle them until they calm down or go to sleep. I can't remember not having to go up to one of them sat there with big tears dripping down her face. Dd1's overtired crying sessions is almost a night terror issue i think, she's pretty inconsolable.
Anyway by then it's usually gone nine and once they are quiet it's usually our own bedtime.
There's no real pattern to it but mostly it's them playing us up or the crying issue.
It doesn't really end there in that one of them normally wakes in the night (dd2 most likely) and ends up in our bed. Once she's asleep we might move her back but not always successfully. Sometimes it's both. Sometimes we end up with DH and I in separate beds cuddling one of the girls v tightly and spending the whole night like that.

I suppose this sounds v wishy washy but it's almost the inconsistency that's doing us in.... The "what now?!!!" Reaction is a common one here.

[MummyElk]

Wrong time of day to do it perhaps but bump

[LovesBeingWokenEveryNight]

I don't know if this would work for yours but my 4 yr old can't have an extended bedtime routine or it ends up with her upset and crying not wanting us to leave.

So we do everything downstairs then teeth etc in the bathroom including cuddles and goodnight then into her dark bedroom and into bed and we come straight out.

Ds is in her room now, he's 1, so goes to bed first then dd has some 1-2-1 time and then straight into bed as above.

I know it's not what's normally recommended but works for dd.