Sex Education

[BUnderTheBonnet]

Hi,

I'm a teacher at a girls' secondary school, and I am teaching sex ed to year 8 next week.

I've done it before, and I generally quite enjoy it.

We take the whole day, and mainly talk about "respect" issues, relationships with the opposite sex (same sex relationships talked about on a separate occasion) as well as demonstrating putting a condom on properly, and talking about using contraception in general.

Is there anything you wish we would/wouldn't say to your daughters on these days?

Please be kind

[mathanxiety]

That boys have been known to lie?

How to spot emotional blackmail ('if you loved me, you would ....'), control, jealousy, verbal abuse. How to set limits, recognise when someone is not acknowledging them. How to end a relationship. I would assume you go into physical abuse, date rape, etc., and where to go for help, how to support a friend who is suffering through an abusive relationship (tell a trusted adult), what secrets are not ok to keep.

Mythbusting (you can't get pg the first time, you can't get pg on your period, etc.) Amazing how many silly things are believed.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

I reckon the best thing you could do is to make a connection between self-esteem and behaviour in relationships. E.g. talk about how everyone deserves a happy relationship, and they should not put up with any crap because they think they are lucky to have a boyfriend/someone fancying them etc.

Worst thing about that in my/my friends' experiences was feeling like you were totally unloveable and that this might be your one chance at love/happiness/whatever. Sounds ridiculous I know but a lot of girls have put up with some horrible stuff because they think nothing of themselves.

Oh and DEF talk about and make available copies of this Warning Signs You're Dating A Loser as it covers crucial issues and is in pretty teenager-friendly language. Maybe even do a project/display on it or something.

One more thing, perhaps some myth-busting about boys need sex with stats etc if you can find them. Be good to start a generation of girls who know they don't have to "provide relief" no matter what some fuckheads would have them believe. Plus that if a sexual activity is hurting them or they don't want to engage in it, they have a complete right to say stop at any time, and if the man/boy refuses it is rape.

[sprat1]

Its their body and they have the right to say no

[lljkk]

That If the boy really cares about you & respects you, he won't try to pressure you into things you don't want to do.

[mathanxiety]

That link is fab, Elephants.

[Acanthus]

That you are expecting that they will only need this information WAAAY in the future and you aren't telling them now because you think it's ok for them to start shagging next week. Because it's not.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Yeah you're right acanthus, tell them that you're telling them now for them to use whenever they need info in the future, but maybe add some stats on losing virginity etc, it's later than most people think.

Yeah it's a great article isn't it MA - saw it linked on here ages ago and always recommend it.

[mathanxiety]

Wish I'd seen it before I met exH

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Ah MA, I had a narrow escape from a definite loser once and thank my lucky stars. Girls should know this stuff, and know the difference between being loved and being controlled.

[BUnderTheBonnet]

Thanks everyone - really useful stuff there.

The best question I ever got asked was "can you feel them wriggling inside you?" (talking about sperm).

Of course, I said "yes, it feels horrible". Fantastic contraception for the next 15 years...

I can't help but think they're a bit little for all this physical stuff. I'd really rather focus on the relationships etc. but some of them grow up so quick, and you'd "miss" the crucial point when they need advice.

[mathanxiety]

I know you probably couldn't resist saying 'yes' to that question, but I think I'd tell the truth instead of tth to put them off by making things up. What if they decided the rest of your information was similarly bogus based on realising the wriggling thing wasn't true?

[gramercy]

Year 8 - they're 12, right? Or some 13.

I can't help thinking - and I know many on MN disagree - that telling kids how to put on condoms etc at this age is condoning having sex.

Frankly I would DIE if I thought dd at 12 was putting a condom on some youth for a random shag.

That is NOT to say I don't want her to have sex education, it's saying that I want it, at 12 years old, to be appropriate.

[juuule]

"Of course, I said "yes, it feels horrible"."

You didn't really say that, did you?

[Thandeka]

Failure rate of condoms in first year of use is 15% teaching young people how to use them properly is aimed at reducing this high failure rate. Condoms cause sex no more than an umbrella causes rain, young people do need the info before they reach y10 when unfortunately they just aren't receptive to info as they "know it all". I tend to do condom demos in y9 but think is fine for many y8's too particularly if you are lucky enough to have separate gender classes.

Back to op look up "ru ready or not quite yet" there is a great checklist for helping young people work out if they are ready (answer invariably no!). Also the stat for the amount of young people having sex is as follows: "a quarter to a third of young people will have sex under the age of 16 (most will have had sex by time 19)". Kids are usually suprised at that as they think it should be much higher.

Anyhow this stuff is kinda my dayjob though am on mat leave at mo and ready to pop any day now but shout if you need owt else.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Several girls at my school had had sex in yr 6 (i.e. aged 10-11) and while I hope that's not the case everywhere, I'm sure there are a lot of young people engaging in sex before they're 14. Just found an observer survey suggesting 9% of people losing their virginity by 13. Av age of first sex is 16 apparently link here

What would help I think would be to do a "refresher" course when they are 16ish. I missed the day they did condoms at my school -in yr 9 i think - so it's a wonder i don't have 8 kids by now frankly! Would be good to tell them that most people don't have sex til they're at least 16, and that they'll have another day like this in yr 11 so it's not "now or never" in terms of remembering things and asking questions. My school more or less forgot about sex education from 15+ which in retrospect was a weird thing to do.

[titchy]

'boys need sex with stats' Am I the only one with a very dodgy mental image in my head?...

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

how would you go about sex with stats, titchy?

[titchy]

Dunno - it would help their GCES maths though!

[minkah]

Does anyone know a good book (for a boy about to be 12) to read about sex ed and puberty?

the link from elephants about dating a loser is indeed fab.. O how I WISH I'd read that when I was .. well, even if I'd read it when I was 30 it'd have been invaluable!

[JustGetOnWithIt]

Anything more positive to say about boys, love and sex? Seems to me that we are re-creating girls as the weaker sex who are preyed upon by ruthless males. Not really an accurate representation of the world in my experience, when it comes to intimacy. To be honest, the school would be better off concentrating on giving children a great education, encouraging their aspirations (the best incentive to contracept?) and leaving the sex for teenagers to find out about amongst their peers, with resources available for information and treatment from specialists - i.e. clinics, specialist nurses etc. I think adults (especially those with a jaundiced view of men and relationships)often haven't a clue about the teenager's world.

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Wel JGOWI, it is important to play up the positive side of healthy relationships too, you don't want to go all "aargh, sex & boys = evil" because it's silly and no-one will listen anyway. I'm sure OP will strike a good balance though.

"Finding out amongst their peers" though is a pretty bad approach IME. Nobody really has a clue at that age, but some act like they have and others will be taken in. Much better to hear from an experienced, friendly and credible adult who knows what she's talking about. Sex, love and relationships can and should be wonderful parts of life, but in the wrong context can really hurt people, especially teenagers. IMO it's no different from warning them about other things that could hurt them, like hard drugs. Would you suggest they find out about them from their peers? (Serious question)

[JustGetOnWithIt]

Do you really think teens only get distorted messages from their peers but 'the truth' from adults? They will learn most from the 'mistakes' and experiences of others.
I don't think there is anything wrong with adult guidance (from parents and other adults they have relationships with, including teachers) - this is about conveying life experience between adults and children, but the kind of information about sex and drugs put out to teenagers is a) unconvincingly conservative for those inclined to experiment and take risks b) unnecessarily time-consuming for those not inclined to experiment and take risks!

[ElephantsAndMiasmas]

Of course you learn more from just living your life, talking to friends etc. But teenagers are starting from scratch with all of this, and it's a lonely time when there's a lot of backstabbing, lack of confidence etc, and at least the teacher is above all that. Plus the OP clearly wants to make her own curriculum rather than depending purely on the usual sources, which sounds great. Hopefully she can make it relevant to everyone.

[mathanxiety]

Having looked for and bought some books for DS on this topic, then read them and consigned them to the bin, I'm not sure there are many books out there that try to convey values (responsibility and respect in decision making) to boys in the same way that books about development and sex do for girls. I ended up giving DS a book that dealt with the facts and nothing much else, and also giving him the book DDs had, to give him some sense of perspective. I was very lucky to have had a school programme available for my DCs (in the US, at a Catholic school) that explored this over the course of four years (age 10-14).