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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

14 year old at school saying she is married: what would you do?

72 replies

Nicola63 · 28/02/2007 12:13

Hi

My stepdaughter is in Year 9, and she came home with a tale the other day that leaves me worried and confused as to whether I should be doing something.

A girl in her class (whom I believe comes from Azerbeijan) has been telling the other girls that she got married during the half-term break, to a man in his 30's. The other girls then reportedly teased her along the lines of "how are you going to be able to do your school work when you are going to be popping out babies?", to which she apparantly replies that her husband is rich and will employ nannies. My stepdaughter specifically asked her about the wedding and whether she had a nice dress for it, to which she replied that she did.

Obviously this worries me deeply. On so many levels. I am of course worried for the girl herself. Is she being forced into something? Or is she making up stories for some reason? If so, why? But I am also worried about the message it is giving to my stepdaughter and the other girls. Of course she cannot really be married at 14, but what does she really mean? And what are the other girls making of such a statement? My stepdaughter seemed to just accept that such a situation may be normal in other cultures and so didn't question it much: she told it to me more as a point of interest rather than a concern. I was horrified by this. When I started going on about child abuse and women's rights she looked completely baffled and said "whatever". To let this girl continue to say she is married and to let the other girls think that this is somehow aceptable and normal is to my mind totally unacceptable.

What would others do? Should I be contacting someone at the school? Or is this none of my business? Should I assume that the school already knows all about this girl's situation (it is a very small private school which sems to pride itself on knowing all the girls individually, so should I just keep my nose out?)

OP posts:

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bogie · 28/02/2007 12:18

I think you should mention it to the school i would

hercules1 · 28/02/2007 12:19

I would contact the school. I'm not 100% on the legal side but yes, there are countries where it is legal and she may have been taken there. There are laws I believe that can stop this happening ie a girl being taken to another country for this purpose. To be honest I dont think you can nothing.

zippitippitoes · 28/02/2007 12:21

I think it is probably not your business. I t sounds very much cultural..ie a promise ceremony, it is possible to be married in such circumstances but not for the marriage to be consummated or even necessarliy binding

zippitippitoes · 28/02/2007 12:21

I should say not necessarily is the marriage always consummated or binding

Nicola63 · 28/02/2007 12:28

Well yes, I thought the reality is likely to be a promise ceremony, I do know something about the legal situation in such cases and it is that even if the marriage took place in another country, the people involved can still be prosecuted here. I think it unlikely that it is a real marraige (or consummated, although I was worried about the popping out babies comment). I suppose my most serious concern was the message this gives to the other girls. Or am I being too culturally-bound by my own culture here?

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zippitippitoes · 28/02/2007 12:31

it sounds as though your dd had it about right ie mildly interesting

hercules1 · 28/02/2007 12:32

I disagree about it not being her business. WHat has a cultural thing got to do with it? There are countries where it is legal but for our country it isnt and does go against human rights. As a teacher I would be legally obliged to report this.

zippitippitoes · 28/02/2007 12:37

well it is just a bit of hearsay..hardly enough for a legal case

MummyPenguin · 28/02/2007 13:43

It could well be true. It is normal for girls from Azerbeijan and similar countries, with similar cultures, to marry. I don't know about the legalities etc. if they are over here, but in their own country it is accepted.

My Stepfather is Syrian. When I was about 8 he, my Mum and myself visited his country. I remember going to someone's house, where there was a man talking to my Stepfather in Arabic, and looking pointedly at me and with interest. Even as young as I was, I knew that something was being said about me, and when we left, I asked what was going on. Apparently, the man wanted to 'buy' me (as is also normal in these cultures) and keep me with his family until I was old enough for him to marry. I probably would have been married off to him at around 14 and would have had a couple of kids before I was out of my teens. I can still remember it clearly now.

My Mum said that he wanted to give my Stepdad a camel in return for me, but that may have been a joke.

I think Nicola63 could mention it to the school, but I don't think a lot will come of it. I agree it's not a healthy message to be giving the other girls, but hopefully they're old enough to accept that these things happen in other cultures, or to just not take too much notice. As I said, I'm not clear on the legalities if the girl and her 'husband' are resident in this country. I would imagine, as someone else said, that there are laws and guidelines to prevent it.

donnie · 28/02/2007 13:50

don't interfere.

zippitippitoes · 28/02/2007 14:27

just reread the op

does the girl live in azerbeijan and just board at school?

edam · 28/02/2007 14:38

Definitely mention it to the school. There could be child protection issues - maybe not, but maybe there are. I would strongly advise at least alerting the school.

wychbold · 28/02/2007 18:13

N63: On your other thread ?teacher?s stereotypical comment" you described how you reacted impetuously after a comment your DSD made. Are you going to do the same this time?

I can sympathise with and commend your concern. However, the girl apparently went away over half term and then has come back to school so I?d guess that nothing dramatic is going to happen between now and the end of term. Can you bide your time until an opportune moment arises (e.g. when you give your talk) and then mention your concerns face-to-face but in a lighthearted manner to someone senior. You will have done your duty and can leave the rest to the professionals.

twentypence · 28/02/2007 18:26

If all the girls know then a teacher will know.

Nicola63 · 01/03/2007 13:13

I don't believe I really acted "impetuously" previously, but it is precisely because I don't want to be seen to always be going on about something that I (a) have done nothing about this yet and (b)started this thread!

I don't intend to do anything immediately, but am thinking about it. I was told by DSD yesterday that the girl in question has not been in school for the past three days.

I think you are right though, I can't imagine the teachers don't know about this. There are only 16 girls in the class so I can't belive all this goes unnoticed...

I think I will bide my time at present.

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Nicola63 · 02/03/2007 16:54

In answer to a q further down, no, I believe she lives here now but is from Azerbeijan originally.

I have become more concrened now as my DSD has come home and told me that she believes the girl is now living with the "husband". I am going to alert the school, even if it seems interfering. I also discussed this last nght with my DH and he feels we should definitely tell the school.

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zippitippitoes · 02/03/2007 16:56

if she is living with a man as a wife then that is a great concern, I would approach the year head/pastoral teacher then discreetly by phone

then leave it in their hands

Nicola63 · 02/03/2007 16:56

PS I happen to work in the child protection field, so am very aware of the issue, including of course the legal side of things. There are most certainly laws about this in this country.

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Blandmum · 02/03/2007 17:02

If, as her teacher, I heard this I would have to report it to my manager

BadHair · 02/03/2007 17:08

Cultural or not, it is illegal to marry under the age of 16 in the UK and I would inform the school. It's then up to them what they choose to do about it, and they would be obliged to investigate.
Of course, they may well know about the situation already, but in case they don't I'd be inclined to inform them.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 02/03/2007 17:10

I would be very careful with regard to what you say and to whom.

In a lot of these cultures interfeerance from the outside is not looked on favourably, and in cultures where family will kill their own flesh and blood for betraying them, I would certainly be looking out for the safety of my own family before interfering in the business of someone else?s.

It is concerning, but if you were going to alert someone I would be sure to do it anonomously.

yellowrose · 02/03/2007 18:01

Nicola - I think you are assuming too much. I would never, ever get involved in something like this, unless I was absolutely sure the girl was being abused.

smurfey · 02/03/2007 18:17

Hey. also a teacher and we hear a lot from kids. If heard this would report it but have to say, currently teaching a girl who is engaged for the third time since sept and apparantly pregnant again...funny how no babies ever turn up??? Possible attention seeking?

yellowrose · 02/03/2007 19:07

I find that very disturbing. A child lying about their life in such a serious way to get attention ? God, there are some very unhappy kids out there.

hercules1 · 03/03/2007 08:31

Sorry I really dont get those who say do nothing as it's interfering and none of your business. If it is true (and of course it happens) then this girl is at risk and it goes against human rights. She's under the age of consent...

I personally couldnt shrug my shoulders and say must keep out, dont want to interfere.

As for being murdered, well.....

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