Really need advice on 15yold DD wanting to change school

[whooooooogoesthere]

If anyone is able to help make come to a decision on this I would be very grateful.
My DD is 15 and in 4 year of Secondary school (Scottish system ).
The school she is in is an independent all girls school which she has told us she now absolutely hates. She has no friends and spends break time and lunch time on her own every day
She is due to sit her Standard Grade exams and therefore we said that we could not possibly think of moving her to a different school until these exams were over.
Last night she was in floods of tears and is saying that she is now struggling with her schoolwork . She is the brightest of my 3 DDs and we were expecting her to do well in her exams but now I am worried that she will not get the results which she is capable of.
She is so unhappy at school that she is refusing to speak to the teachers about her schoolwork and is hysterical at the thought that I will approach the school.
Until last night I was unaware of just how unhappy she is.
I really dont know what to do as she is becoming more and more withdrawn both at home and I suspect school as well
Does anyone have any advice??

[Molesworth]

Sorry to hear this WGT

How long has she been at this school? Has it always been like this?

I would not pull her out of that school without trying to sort out the problem by arranging a meeting with the school. Although you say dd is hysterical at the thought of you approaching the school, this is the only sensible way forward imo.

[Tortington]

i would go into the school and not tell her - make the teachers aware of whats going on and get the teachers to give you a full picture.

i would also go and look at break time see if she is indeed on her own.

if breaktimes and lunchtimes are so awful maybe you could arrange for her to stay inside - go the the computer room - or art room or something.


you could arrange that she is part home schooled for the final year.

[whooooooogoesthere]

I know that she is on her own as others have confirmed it.
She has been at the school for 7 years and has never really mixed but to be honest she is not great at mixing at the best of times so we never gave it much thought.
She is finding the bitchiness at the shool v hard and as she is not into clothes and make up I know that she has alienated herself by making no effort.
I will go to the school but I am now thinking what am I asking them to do?

[Molesworth]

ok so something has changed relatively recently then - is she being bullied?

[fairyjay]

Your poor dd - and you! This really seems to be a hard sort of age for girls, and they can be so unfeeling towards each other.

I would quietly approach the school - but on pain of death if your dd found out. Maybe they could give her some responsibility that could include her, or at least give you a factual report of what goes on - if your dd is anything like mine, you're going to get the emotional side thrown in!

Do you know the mums of any girls there? If so, could you trust any of them enough to ask that they include your dd as she's having such a tough time?

Hope you're able to sort it out soon.

[whooooooogoesthere]

Molesworth pretty sure not getting bullied.
This all came to a head when were were on holiday in July and she broke down and said how unhappy she was .We were as we had no idea.
She feels that she does not fit in and prefers the company of boys as friends.
The year that she is in has a few "princesses" and my DD has said that the level of bitchiness is awful some days.
I am thinking now having posted this that I have no option but to move her but I doubt any school would even have her so close to her exams.
Aaaaaargh !!!!!!!!!!!!

[Molesworth]

14-15 is the worst age for girls and bitchiness ime

If it were my dd I would be trying to impress upon her the need to learn how to sort these sorts of situations out without running away from them (which could result in her flunking her exams). A meeting with the school - with dd present - would be a good next step I think.

But if her distress is getting really extreme (it sounds like she's been bottling it up for a long time) then perhaps counselling might help?

[whooooooogoesthere]

Thanks to everyone for their advice.
I am off to phone the school for (secret appointment.
Will let you know how I get on

[TwigTwoolett]

yes definitely go into school and speak to teachers without her

also I would personally take DD very seriously indeed and start to draw up a shortlist of alternative schools WITH HER

then make appointments to go round them WITH HER

so that she can see that there is something happening and she is not just being ignored

sometimes just have the 'hope' that things will change will be enough

hth

[juuule]

Agree with what Twig said. However, one small reservation - going to speak to the school without her knowing. If she finds out it could spoil the trust that she has in you. I think it would be better to speak to her and try to get her to see why you would like to speak to school. She is 15 not 5. She should be involved in things that affect her future.
Hopefully with your support she be able to hold out for the time she has left at school. If not, maybe talk about flexi-schooling or go with the move to another school. Although there is nothing to say that another school will be better. The last 2 years at school are very pressurised and some find it very difficult. Things do need addressing now rather than later.

[3littlefrogs]

There can be few things worse for a 15 yearold than to be lonely and miserable 5 days a week. She is very young - if there is an alternative school, why not look into it? If she is struggling with her work and getting depressed, it wouldn't be the end of the world if she were to move and, if necessary repeat the year.
My eldest was in a similar situation during first year 6th form. I was terribly worried about him - he is extremely clever, but just switched off and wanted to hide under the duvet. We moved him, he is repeating the year, and is really happy and settled, and is doing well.
I don't think I would go behind your daughter's back. She needs to know she can trust you, and that you are on her side. Would she talk to a counsellor (via GP, not the school)?

[whooooooogoesthere]

Just to give an update
I had a long chat with my DD on our own and with no interruptions.
She has told me that she wants to change school but not to the local one as she was beaten up earlier this year and the girl responsible attends that school.
She has also said that she is finding the pressure at her school too much at times and would prefer to go at her own pace.
She has suggested a school which is not in our immediate area and therefore we would need to submit a placing request.
I have now written to the headmaster to request an appointment .
I am trying to give her as much of a say in this as possible and I have noticed that she appears happier - so fingers crossed that she gets the school that she wants.
Many thanks to all who posted I found it helpful.

[TooTickyTheAppleBobber]

I am still mentally scarred by my school days. Take this very seriously please. It is possible to put up with a lot, but if she can't cope any more then get her out.

[TwigTwoolett]

good for you .. I'm glad she seems a little happier ..

[3littlefrogs]

Yes - please get her out - if she was beaten up that is awful. What about home ed for a little while - i know someone who did that, just for respite, then once her son turned 16 he went to sixth form college. You are not restricted to a catchment area for 6th form college, and it may be a better environment for her.

[nearlythree]

You sound like such a cool mum and your dd must feel so proud that you are listening to her. Hope all goes well with the meeting and that you find the right place for her.