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Secondary education

Does anyone on this site have a son or daughter who is not a high achiever or do you all have A* children?

48 replies

JK2705 · 27/07/2014 14:59

My DD is 11 and is starting year 11 in September. She hates school and refuses to go at least one day per week. I am a single parent with a full-time job and have found this very stressful to say the least. She failed all her mocks (Ds and Es) apart from Art (an A in one paper and a C in the one based on coursework - as she was only there for 50% of the course). I am spending the whole of the summer holidays re-learning Maths, English and Science, so I can teach her on the days she refuses to go in. I have also spent loads of time downloading youtube videos that will help her revise next year. She has no skills whatsoever when it comes to making a revision plan and before her mocks, I was really quite shocked to find out that she did not even know basic stuff like how to round to one decimal point, or which was the sign for "multiply" and/or "divide".

What I have been finding really frustrating is all the parents on this website talking about the stress they are under and when you read on, their children are already getting As, going to school every day, and doing revision. What are you all stressed about? You have no idea what it feels like to get up every day and wonder if your child is even going to agree to to go to school.

There is not really any point in anyone giving me advice, as I have seen so many professionals and my daughter has personal issues which are combined with the unfortunate genetic traits inherited from her father - namely, lack of motiviation and initiative, laziness, the "don't care" gene, etc.

I just wanted to post this to make all those parents whose children are getting As already realise that they should all be taking a chill pill and be grateful that they have have children who are motivated and are willing to put in the effort without massive parental involvement.

OP posts:
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mcdog · 27/07/2014 15:03

I'm a bit confused, she is 11 and starting year 11?

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Deverethemuzzler · 27/07/2014 15:04

Well my DD is dead and never got the chance to do her GCEs

So what are you moaning about?

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Caramelkate · 27/07/2014 15:08

I think you are being unkind to your daughter. You seem very negative, and my experience of teens is that they don't all hit their academic potential at 16. Labelling them as lazy and not caring is missing the point, it's usually that academic priorities are low because they have more pressing ones - unhappiness, lack of confidence, undiagnosed special needs, difficulties at home etc. I also don't think poor gcse grades necessarily mean underachievement, everyone has different strengths and weaknesses. My teens have all varied academically, but for those who didn't engage, I didn't find taking over the role of teacher to be helpful. I concentrated on building general confidence and self esteem, and this was more productive and less stressful.

Maybe try a more positive and supportive approach - it might work in the long run?

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TheFirstOfHerName · 27/07/2014 15:11

I have two at secondary school. They are both predicted A*/A in all their GCSEs.

One has PTSD and spends about a quarter of his lesson time in the Learning Support department, crying and shaking. I usually receive a phone call from school once a week. Sometimes they ask me to collect him and bring him home.

The other has ASD and ADHD, with all that entails. He has issues with eating and sleeping, very delayed motor skills, and the social difficulties that you'd expect with his dual diagnosis.

I will certainly follow your advice though, and try to "take a chill pill". Hmm

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Deverethemuzzler · 27/07/2014 15:16

Instead of bitching about your DD on here why don't you DO SOMETHING.
If she doesn't know the very basics of maths she sounds as if she could do with a proper assessment for learning difficulties rather than a self absorbed parent who feels sorry for themselves.

My DS won't take any GCES. He has LDs.

You write posts telling others to 'take a chill pill' whilst coating off your own child and sounding ashamed of her. Not just her failure to succeed at school but her.

I hope this is made up. Its too fucking depressing if it isn't.

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TiredFeet · 27/07/2014 15:16

You aren't talking very nicely about your daughter Shock

I wouldn't panic and let it ruin your relationship with her

Dh got terrible gcses and a levels, I got a string of A*s. Dh significantly out-earns me (I am a lawyer) and has an exciting and fulfilling job because his parents encouraged him to pursue his passions/ nutured his talents

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Northernlurker · 27/07/2014 16:25

OP I will answer you here rather in the format of the PM you have just sent me out of the blue, after I assume, reading posts from me considerably earlier this year.

I won't be taking a chill pill thanks. The issues I have in supporting my high achieving child are different from the issues you have. That does not mean either us must simply back off and be thankful for what we have. Parenting a bright child who puts herself under enormous pressure is incredibly difficult. As is parenting a child who refuses school. I can see where you are coming from. Do me the same courtesy please.

If you look properly on this site you will find there is shared experience from parents of kids who have all abilities. On the exam threads there is an acceptance that for some kids an A represents a failure and for some kids a D is a massive success. What there is no place for is a chip on your shoulder which is what you're showing here.

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SirChenjin · 27/07/2014 16:31

I think there is a very big gap between what your DD is currently experiencing, and being an A* pupil. I'm really sorry you're going through this, and it must be very difficult for you - but I would guess that the vast majority of us on here have children who are probably fairly average, might do well in a couple of areas if they are lucky, and might even give us serious concerns in other areas outside of academia.

It sounds as if you are doing a lot to help - although your frustration with her is coming across loud and clear. Is there any other support you could tap into? I don't know how the education system works where you are so can't offer much in the way of suggestions.

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FlossyMoo · 27/07/2014 16:40

Bit confused with the whole DD is 11 and starting year 11? Confused

That aside after reading Notherns post I will assume you started this thread with the sole purpose of goading and generally being unpleasant. I see no point to your post as you do not want advice or support and are merely having ago at those parents whose children are doing well.

If your post has any truth in it then you will find an immense amount of support on here and there are many parents (myself included) that are trying to support a child who is not academically gifted and shows no enthusiasm for school.

Coming on here and ranting at people will get you no where and will not help your DD.

I think it is YOU who needs the chill pill.

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Elsie20 · 27/07/2014 16:43

Hey Hun

Firstly breath, yes there are mums out there in that position.
My sons attendance in year 9 was an amazing 28% that's right 28%. I can't tell you the stress I was put through. I also, like you, work full time, in a professional job. I had a younger child still at primary school to get in too and it had an impact on her lateness.

I had no help from the school. In school, the small time that he was there, he was a model pupil. No behaviour issues and no learning difficulties. This made getting help impossible. If he had these problem, apparently I would of got all the help.

I contacted a EWO and though he was lovely, he was of no help. I contacted social services, who were again lovely but they said as a professional person I was more than capable of getting him to school. I also think they saw me as neurotic. I was told I could not physical force him to go as that was manhandling him and abuse, however I was threatened with fines and prison as it was my responsibility to have him in school. I had written warnings at work for being late and nearly lost my job. I felt I was in a tiny brick room that I was slamming myself against. I was rang social services crying saying I can't get him to school and I was on the verge of killing him (not literally) but within 5 mins 5 police cars were at my door. We laugh about it now but it wasn't funny at the time.

I'm not sure what year your daughter is in as you say she is 11 but you have to find out why she is a school refuser. My sons explanation was he hated his school. He use to cry when I cried. He hated putting me through it but he just hated school more. I was even admitted to hospital with a blood clot and very high blood pressure (I was 35 for god sake)

As I said, my sons school was useless, they wouldn't do a managed move as he had no behaviour issues ( though it can be done for school refusers) and we even tried the fair access protocol to get him in a new school. We eventually got him a new school and his school squashed it. This was allowed as it was a catholic school to another catholic school. In the end I wrote to the head of children's services, within 2 days they had my son in another school and I'm so pleased to say we've never looked back :) and my son is achieving so well and though you probably do not want to hear this, he is predicted a's.

I can completely understand where you are coming from, I didn't care about grades. My son could of got all u's but as long as he went to school. Friends said for god sake put him in the car and drive him there but it isn't that easy. He was physically bigger than me and it was impossible.

I wish you all the best and if you need any advice please feel free to contact me
X

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Frontier · 27/07/2014 16:58

I clicked in to say yes my ds is decidedly average and it is tough to get him motivated at all - mn does sometimes make me feel like im the only one, but i see that's not what you're asking for.

I actually lol'd at the way you place all the "blame" at the feet of her father. Does she realise you think she"s so like a man you clearly despise? Sad

Im not sure how you got to year 11 without realising she doesn't know the signs for multiply or divide or how she managed to get a d/e in the mocks if that's the case (d&e are passes btw)

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whattodoforthebest2 · 27/07/2014 17:00

Many people will have found out the hard way that school is not the be-all-and-end-all with their DC. DS2 hated school and didn't work at all in years 10 and 11. He wasn't invited back for sixth form (independent) but went to another school where he had poor attendance and left after a year. He's working now and has just won a young employee award and loves it. As I write he's on a train travelling around Europe with his mates - God knows where tho! Happy and healthy are infinitely preferable.

IIWY I'd give her a break and a hug and tell her you'll love her whatever her results are.

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Coconutty · 27/07/2014 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minifingers · 28/07/2014 21:19

OP - my dd (going into year 11) has steadfastly refused to work/do homework/turn up for exams. She is no longer school refusing (for the time being) or constantly being excluded from lessons as she was last year. She IS catastrophically lazy in every single area of her life and will almost always take the path of least resistance. I have had to accept that this is the way she is and that I can't do anything about it. There is no other option as we have tried EVERYTHING else - support, encouragement, bribery, threats, pleading, modelling the behaviour we want her to emulate (DH and I are both hard working. DD has chosen to spend her almost her entire adolescence sloping around shopping centres, glued to her phone/tv/computer guzzling junk food and feeling hard done by. So be it. I have accepted her laziness as a learning disability, which it is.

That said, DD has recently surprised and delighted us to the core by getting 2 days a week volunteering through the summer to work with disabled adults. She's going to the centre where she did her year 10 work experience. Who knows if this could be the start of some big fundamental change in her? I won't let myself hope too much.

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Minifingers · 28/07/2014 21:26

Coconutty - do you have to make such a cuntish comment?

Hmm

OP - you need some emotional space from your dd, and to allow her to fail. You can't make her work. You must detach and focus on your own work/study/life. Cry your tears of disappointment in private - don't let her see. I suspect that the more my dd sees me sad and worried about her schooling the worse she is.

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FlossyMoo · 28/07/2014 21:34

Erm since when was saying they don't do a paper in art a cuntish comment Hmm

Mini I think you need to go away and learn how to use the word cunt and it's variations before you start banding it about.

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YellowStripe · 28/07/2014 21:39

My DD1 hardly attended school after year 9. No GCSEs. She might have a swimming certificate somewhere but that's the extent of her achievements.

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TinklyLittleLaugh · 28/07/2014 21:44

They do an exam in Art. I presume that is what the OP meant.

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DrJuno · 28/07/2014 21:44

There's a "don't care" gene??

DS is fucked.....

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Mammuzza · 28/07/2014 21:48

I have a bog standard, very average child. I don't have the issues you do. We have other ones. I guess those with high performing children have their own set of stresses too. Like geography, it's probably similar shit where ever you go on grade scale.

my daughter has personal issues which are combined with the unfortunate genetic traits inherited from her father - namely, lack of motiviation and initiative, laziness, the "don't care" gene, etc.

I'd be a bit leery of getting that stuck in your head. It's can be an issue when the adults in your life are picking your attributes apart and labelling bits wanting and of the "like her father" variety. They can think they are being really discret. But.. you can hear stuff. You can pick up on sub text. And it can become a source of pain, not to mention a self fulfilling prophesy. That's not a professional opinion. Just the opinion of somebody who had a mother who said similar things about me. And had no idea I was picking up on it. She was coping in her own way. And at the end of her tether. So I get it. but... it was more part of being the problem than it was being part of the solution.


It's really rough when your kid's education doesn't run smooth. I know. And I feel for you becuase untill quite recently DS's regularly brought me to my knees.

I'd guess that even though it looks like others have it so much easier, they probably aren't if they are stressed. Good rades and no knowledge gaps are just one part of the picture.

You and I can't take a "chill pill" and feel better. It doesn't work like that when you need an actual, real life solution. So it's likely to equally useless to the stressed out parents of A grade kids for the issue they need resolving.

We are all on the same side really, parents wanting the best for their kids and trying to manage all the hiccups and sodding great big elephant traps along the way.

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FlossyMoo · 28/07/2014 21:50

To be fair to Cocnutty the OP stated

apart from Art (an A in one paper and a C in the one based on coursework - as she was only there for 50% of the course

Cocnutty is correct there is no paper in Art.
The OP also so said her DD is 11 yo and starting y11 so I think she is confused.

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Coconutty · 28/07/2014 22:21

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Coconutty · 28/07/2014 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlossyMoo · 28/07/2014 22:40

Grin

I have no problem with the word cunt just a major issue when it is used incorrectly. I'm funny like that Wink

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Minifingers · 28/07/2014 23:58

People being pointlessly pedantic about irrelevant details or obvious typos - it's twattish (or cuntish/cunty/cunt-like, which ever you prefer).

Second paper in an art exam? Obviously she meant the second exam. Saying her dd was 11 but then going on to talk about all the problems she was having at GCSE - the age was clearly a typo.

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