Have NC for this but am a regular. DD1 Yr 7, made a good group of friends (part of the UNcool crowd) in seniors this year. One of that group, lets call her X, is being marginalised by the others, as she is doing really embarrassing things, off kilter with what's socially acceptable - eg shouting out 'weird' things across playground, going up to sixth formers and trying to talk to them etc. Just things that 'you don't do'. As this is already the uncool crowd, this is really difficult for that group.
This girl has been going through a difficult time at home but has always been a bit 'different', much more 'innocent' then the others. She doesn't 'get' a lot of the jokes and the rest of the friends feel they have to protect her from some of their conversations as she's being brought up to be more innocent and less mature than many of them.
Fortunately, the school has excellent pastoral care and DD, along with her friends, have been talked to about not excluding X and how hurtful this must feel to X. DD is mortified, quite rightly, that X is so upset and is immediately trying to make amends and re-include X. So I'm happy with DDs response and the school's response too. DD and X will meet up this half-term and DD wants X to feel happy again.
I'm wondering though how far a school and parents should go in trying to manufacture a friendship that may have run it's course? At age 12, all the children are changing rapidly, growing up differently. Some are maturing faster than others. Some who were close friends in the juniors have drifted away from those friends and made new ones.
DD has privately told me that whilst she's happy for now to re-include X and can understand that X has felt left out, she can't really see in the longer term wanting to stay friends with X. They've really only been 'friends' this year and this was partly because they're both in the uncool crowd.
If DD doesn't stay friends with X, this is going to be perceived as 'bullying and excluding' and DD is terrified of being seen that way. So part of her wanting to remain friends with X is so as not to be seen as a bully. But this isn't going to work in the long run is it?
An additional factor is that DD has a sibling who has no friends at all now and has struggled to socialise as they have AS. DD has been used to 'making allowances' all her life for her sibling - hence her ability to accept X more readily, who is also a bit 'different'. I've therefore also been that parent on the other side, like X's parents, worrying about my child being ostracised and uncertain how to change this.
I can equally see on the one hand, why DDs sibling is being excluded (the school has tried to help with this but it's not worked) because of being 'different and embarrassing to others' - yet really upset and worried as a parent of a child like this and not sure what to do and to what extent to attempt 'manufacturing' friendships for DDs sibling.
So I guess I'm posting here to get some feedback from others and am in the position of having one child who is feeling compelled to maintain a friendship, really out of compassion rather than desire, yet also have another child who has been ostracised themselves for being 'different'. I 'feel' for DD who is feeling responsible for X's happiness and compelled to be friends with her. Yet I also 'feel' for X and for DDs sibling, who have no idea why they're losing friends.
Should a school take an active role in manufacturing friendships - for the sake of the 'excluded and different child' or should there come a time when the children should be allowed to befriend who they want to befriend and it's the responsibility of the parents to help their more socially isolated DCs to acquire skills to enhance friendships?
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Secondary education
Manufacturing friendships (v long)
Fatsia · 26/05/2013 07:28
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