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Connect with other parents whose children are starting secondary school on this forum.

Secondary education

my daughter in denial about secondary school

12 replies

tanyaturner · 27/01/2011 20:04

i have boy/girl twins in year 6 at a small catholic prep. they both took the 11+ and are now attending interviews/sports scholarship days/ entrance exams etc. well they should be but my daughter has flatly refused to attend a single one. she always has an excuse - dont want to miss squash, want to exercise the pony etc. when they went into year 5 she had swine flu and missed 3 weeks at the beginning of the new term and it was a massive struggle to get her to go back to school then. i think in september we are going to have a really big problem and i really dont know how to address it? xx

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Summersoon · 27/01/2011 20:31

Don't really know what to say. Have you tried talking to her about these schools she is sitting for? Would she prefer the local comp, perhaps if it is where some of her mates will be going?
Or: it could be that she has anxiety issues around any kind of schooling.
What do her current teachers say?
Your post makes you sound as if you are letting her get away with some really damaging (to her future prospects) behaviour but, then again, depending on how strong-willed she is, she could attend exams and interviews and just sit there.

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AMumInScotland · 27/01/2011 20:41

Have you tried sitting her down and saying "Well, if you don't do the exams/interviews then your choices for secondary will be X or Y, and actually it won't be a choice because the local authority will allocate you a school rather than you getting to choose. Now are you sure you don't want some say in the matter?"

It sounds like she's not too keen on school at the moment, but (unless you are able to consider Home Education) she has to be in school. If she can see what the options are, she may have a preference between them.

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tanyaturner · 27/01/2011 20:48

she is also down for the local comp - and the next nearest, we are really lucky, they are both lovely small schools.all of her friends will disperse in september - its a small class and they are going all over. you are absolutely right - we would have to drag her out of the car! she has always played a big part in her school: house captain, captain of games, in all teams, always been been popular with teachers and children. this is why i am at my wits end. she competes show jumping and makes friends where ever she goes.

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tanyaturner · 27/01/2011 21:14

we have told her that because she sat the 11+ and will probably pass that she wont get offered the nice comp but will be allocated the secondary school where they have a metal detector at the gates. we talk about it all the time and say, we are offering you a choice, a plan B that most children dont get.

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cory · 28/01/2011 09:39

My ds is exactly the same. He is very negative about school in general, including secondary school.

We told him that he had no choice in the matter: he was going to the open evenings. He knew that we would have carried him in bodily. In the event, he did attend, behaved impeccably and actually looked a little bit more positive after he had seen the schools.

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Ormirian · 28/01/2011 09:52

tanya - this was my DD this time last year. She was a big fish in a small pond and she loved her primary school. She went to the secondary open evenings very reluctantly and we had tears regularly - she didn't want to go to any secondary school.

Come September it was hard, very hard. She cried every night and had nothing good to say over her new school. I felt so sorry for her - all the light seemed to have gone out of her. She didn't want to invite any new friends home, but kept asking for her old friends to come over.

But by half-term she had joined the choir, she had started to talk about new people she was friends with. And her marks shot through the roof! It just took time.

Talk to your DD. Listen to her concerns but also make it clear she has no choice. She can't stay in primary and all her friends are moving on too. Explain, listen, sympathise, but ultimately she had to buckle down and understand that this is what is going to happen. It will be OK in the end.

I sympathise. It's hard. My eldest son just took it in his stride 2 years earlier and couldn't wait to go - DD was quite a shock.

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bigTillyMint · 28/01/2011 11:00

My DD kept saying that she didn't want to go to sec school in Y6 - it was because she didn't know which sec school she would be going to and so couldn't imagine herself there.
The day the schools came out, she cried with relief and was really looking forward to her new school.

Maybe your DD feels similarly unsettled with the not knowing? Maybe she is worried about being up-to-standard for the grammar schools?

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tanyaturner · 28/01/2011 13:11

yes the process leaves a lot to be desired. making 10/11 year old children wait for months to find out what schools they are allocated is not ideal. i think they must hate the feeling that it is all happening to them, that they have no control. i am now firmly of the opinion that we should all send our child to the local comp - as they do in france. my french friends find the situation here bizarre and i think it is really hard on the children xx

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Ormirian · 28/01/2011 15:16

"i am now firmly of the opinion that we should all send our child to the local comp "

Well we did

There is a choice of 4 in our town - we wanted the one that happened to be our catchment so there was very little chance DD wouldn't get a place. But I agree that uncertainty doesn't help.

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gingeroots · 28/01/2011 17:40

Think the point about her not being able to picture herself somewhere because she doesn't know which school she's going to is a good one .
It makes a huge difference to be able to see yourself somewhere .
Do the schools run induction days when incoming year 7's can visit ?

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GrimmaTheNome · 28/01/2011 17:48

because she sat the 11+ and will probably pass that she wont get offered the nice comp

eh? how do you work that one out? That's not how LEA admissions work!

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tanyaturner · 28/01/2011 20:36

in our area the LEA tries to give you your first choice? so if you put grammar first, once you pass the 11+ that is your allocation - after all you asked for that school. they then offer places to the people who put the good comp first and meet all criteria. if we then go back and say actually we changed our minds, can we have the nice comp? they say, sorry we filled it with people who really really wanted it. we are in the catchment so could appeal.