Son is having a crap time at secondary

[Kushanku]

My son started secondary at the beginning of October. He only knew 3 other kids from his primary and only one of them he actually got on with. Anyway, almost a month in and he has no friends. Even worse, because of his awkward social skills, he's become known as a wierdo and is often called a creep. The other kids avoid him, sometimes laugh at him but never want anything to do with him. He spends every lunch time and break just wandering around on his own. I mentioned it to his form tutor last week and she said its still early and he will eventually settle in and find like-minded friends but I don't think he will. She suggested joining clubs etc, he has - he's joined a writing club, a film club, the gym, took up drums in a small percussion group but still nobody wants anything to do with him.
Last night he came home caked in mud, turns out his "friend" from primary has now turned against him (now that he's made other friends) and pushed him over into the mud causing a huge group of kids to crease over laughing at him.
I feel so sorry for him, I looked on his phone last night and he's tried to contact his old primary school friends about meeting up but they're not replying anymore, they've all made new friends at their secondary schools. He must feel so lonely.

He's never asked to stop off school though and still insists he loves the school and is there to learn (he's very academic) not to make friends but surely its not healthy when the only friends you have are people online that you've never actually met??? He tells me he doesn't want to make friends with anyone at the school because he doesn't like anyone.His social skills are poor, he's very stubborn and won't go out of his way to make friends.

What do I do??? 5 years is a long time to go with no friends.

[Tortington]

can he change school?

can he kick anyones ass?

ass kickers always have friends.

clubs outside school?

[MentalFloss]

It does take a good half term for friendships to settle down at secondary school at least.

It may all work out and he finds some new friends who are a bit nicer than his primary school friends!

The first few weeks are just about everyone wanting to fit in - your son does sound very mature about this.

Does he/you know anyone well in any older years because that often helps with integrating into school life?

At our school they have a peer mentor scheme which is when older pupils are matched with a year 7 pupil to help them settle in, introduce them to other people etc. Could you enquire about something like this?

I hope this does work out for you and your DS.

[cory]

I think this sounds like more than settling in: if they are calling him a creep and pushing him into the mud, then that is active bullying. He needs to speak to the head of the year and the school needs to do something about it. This needs to be sorted first! Regardless of his social skills or lack thereof, it will be very difficult for him to fit him and make friends if the other students only ever see him as the punchbag of the bullies.

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

I think I'd start going down the route of moving him; he's only got one childhood and sometimes its just a matter of the peer group a child is in.

Obviously go down the official route and kick up as much fuss as you can (schools do sometimes try and push these things under the carpet), and it may still work out.

I hope it does - I hate hearing stories like this.

And it's true what Custardo said - if he can fight back in some way they'll either move on to someone else or respect him for it.

Sports are always useful for this - rugby I think gets kids used to rough and tumble and makes them less physically fearful. You don't even have to be particularly skilful to play it. Just a thought.

< Stops self from banging on about DS1 and 2's rugby experiences >

[cory]

The only thing with the fighting back is, if he is not strong enough to dominate the whole group, they are just likely to hit him harder. I tried this one when I was at school and I was not stronger than my aggressors...

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

Yes, that can backfire, I must admit. The times it's worked for mine have been with individual tormentors, using size and strength but having to overcome a gentle, non-combative nature.

[cory]

Yes, but what if the size and strenght is on the side of your opponent? I did not have a gentle nature but my bully was simply far bigger than me. Often it's the little ones they pick on.

Fortunately, my dcs have not suffered much bullying, but my ds kept being knocked down by a boy who was much bigger and stronger. Tbh virtually any boy in the school was bigger and stronger than ds. But the school was on the ball and the behaviour was stopped.

[Butterbur]

Both my sons took well over a term to really start making new friends.

DS2 sounds very like your son, although he is a loner by nature, and doesn't need other boys very much, preferring his own inner life. In the end his complete disregard for name-calling won through, and he was soon left alone. (Not to say that you shouldn't speak to the school about it though.)

I also spoke to his form tutor, who liaised with other teachers in getting him doing pair work in classes with other similar boys. He is still a severe introvert, but he is comfortable in his peer group at school.

[3plusbump]

If it was just a case of him not having made any friends yet, I would agree with the tutor - it's 'early days' but calling names, laughing at him, pushing him over in the mud are all bullying in my book :(

If I were you, I would contact the school, speak to the tutor and get them to stamp on the bullying straight away before it gets any more out of hand.

As far as making friends - It's not easy but he's going along the right lines by joining clubs etc.
Is the library open at lunchtimes? A friend of mine is a librarian at a secondary school and she says that some of the children (like your son) who have not found their niche yet, come and read, play on the computer and do homework in a safe place and often, just by being there every day, end up making like-minded friends (and even if they don't, at least they are in a safe, supervised environment...)

Does he know anyone well enough to invite them home afterschool? Or could he ask someone to come along to a swim / bikeride / cimema or something at the weekend?

Good luck - it must be horrible for you - you feel every knock for them don't you?

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

I'm not disagreeing with you, Cory. It worked for my DS because he was bigger than his tormentors, although he didn't have an aggressive bone in his body. He still doesn't, but he doesn't take nonsense either.

I suppose the OP's son would be weighing up the likelihood of this strategy working for himself, but giving him permission to deal with bullies physically might be useful, as I think some kids hold back because they're not aggressive themselves.

I know this is a contentious view, btw.

[deaddei]

If he won't go out of his way to make friends
changing schools won't make much difference-he still won't make the effort to make friends in the new school.
I agree that you need to speak to the school about name calling etc as that's not on, and the school should come down heavily on the other boys.
They may be able to help him with transition.
BBut he has to make an effort too.

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

It sounds like he has been making the effort, joining clubs and all (bless him), but frankly I'd hold back now, as an adult, if I was being made the butt of everyone's jokes.

How do you suggest he makes an effort? Joins in the laughing when they knock him over?

[1234ThumbWar]

I strongly recommend this book www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285855005&sr=1-2&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 it sounds like he needs some help with his social skills.

[1234ThumbWar]

oops

www.amazon.co.uk/Unwritten-Rules-Friendship-Strategies-Friends/dp/0316917303/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285855005&sr=1-2&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Kushanku, I could have written an identical post 3 years ago when DS started Year 7. We soldiered on for 2 more years, with escalating bullying and very little support from the school.

My DS is also academically able but has poor social skills.

He started a new school in year 9 after we moved to a new city, and within 2 weeks of him starting there, I was called in by the SENCO to discuss her concerns.

He was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome earlier this year. He was unable to "make an effort" to mix with other children successfully because he literally did not understand the rules within his peer group, (he is fine with adults) he cannot pick up on non-verbal cues and facial expressions, and has no desire to fit in with people he despises.

He has received a huge amount of support from his school, including social and communications skills training.

Please make an appointment to see the school as soon as possible about the bullying and arrange to see the SENCO about getting him support with his social skills in school. It does take a while for kids to settle, but the bullying and exclusion you describe is not normal and is totally unnacceptable.

[OrmRenewed]

Poor lsad I think the tutor needs to respond a little more than 'it's early days'. Active bullying is not on at any stage.

[Kushanku]

Thanks for the replies.

He seemed to have a better day yesterday and said the boy who pushed him over had apologised.

MrsFlittersnoop, I have been concerned about aspergers before to be honest. The way he acts is just not normal. He gets on brilliantly with adults, is always the teachers pet, will engage in long discussions with the teacher when all the other kids have long disapeared and much prefers the company of adults. He doesn't seem to understand the "rules" of being an 11 year old. For instance, its not "cool" to be nice to the teacher, it's not "cool" to ask for extra work to take home to ensure he learns it all perfectly for next week. It's not "cool" to stand there and give lectures on the future, university applications, GCSE's etc when the class clown decides to play up. DS just doesn't understand why the kids don't act like adults.

His exact words were "mum, I can't make friends with idiots, I just can't".

So that being his attitude, I can quite understand why he has problems making friends but why is he like that? I'm sure there is more to this than DS just having a superiority complex.

[OrmRenewed]

Ah kushanku. He sounds suspiciously like my youngest DS who is 7. I have my concerns too.

Glad he got an apology. But I would still speak to his tutor to let him know what happened and to keep an eye out.

[realitychick]

Blimey Kushanku, he sounds like one of mine. I even did a test on him at home to see if he could read my facial expressions, and he could, easily. But he just doesn't care that he's different. he too joins every club going because it's more interesting than hanging out with the cool kids. he does want friends, but on his terms not theirs. That said, when you look at your list of "rules" I can't help feeling, good on him, long term. Who wants to be the a** who puts on a huge pretence just to be in with the in crowd.

One thingthat might help is joining a drama group. All that improv and all those trust exercises just break down barriers like no other activity can. When I was a teen, I went to one and all the geeky misfits who came along just found their niches by being funny or quirky. They were happy to be cast as the elderly king/priest or ended up directing and writing the shows. It was such a warm, inclusive place. I don't think anyone was ever bullied or rejected and it was full of kids whose school lives were hell. Places like that can keep you going when school is hard. I didn't have a strong friendship group at school so buried myself in work. As a result I got into a top uni and still had all the lovely friends from the drama club. I had a fantastic time as a teenager but school hardly figured in that at all.

[PercyPigPie]

I agree that it does sound bullying. What is the culture of the school? Does it have a rough & ready type culture? Would somewhere smaller and quieter be better?

MrsFlittersnoop I have read your other posts. Do you mind me asking - was it Beechen Cliff that got SENCO involved? I am impressed if so.

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Hi Mudandmayhem! Yup - Beechen Cliff.

Sadly, the lovely SENCO (who had been there for 17 years) has now left the school. I met the new SENCO yesterday for (yet another ) long chat about DS and she seems very nice and totally clued up.

Are you local?

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Orm, if you have concerns about your DS, have you considered taking him to BIBIC for an assessment, given they are on your doorstep?

I took DS there earlier this year, and he is going back with DH in a couple of weeks for a 2 day re-assessment session.

They don't perform assessments for Aspergers as such, but do a whole range of tests which highlight a child's strengths and weaknesses and build ip a clear picture of where a child might fit on the spectrum (apologies if you already know about BIBIC ).

The school found DS's BIBIC assessment report extremely helpful - for example, the tests showed that he is very poor at processing verbal instructions but has a very high level of verbal literacy.

The assessments take place over 2 days and only cost £50. The atmosphere is lovely and stress-free and they have great play facilities for the kids. You can just ring them up and book a place.

[bigTillyMint]

If he has got Aspergers traits, then moving school will not help.

I suggest you alert the school to his difficulties and arrange a meeting to work out what they cam do to support him.

You might have to be very assertive with the school to get what he needs.

[MrsFlittersnoop]

Entirely agree with bigTillyMint.

Moving to a new school was the most stressful experience of DS's life . He had a small bunch of mates dating back to infant school who went to secondary school with him. They were entirely accustomed to his "differences" and he always had people to hang out with.

Come the new school in Year 9 - total disaster. But the stress meant his Aspie tendencies were VERY apparent to an experienced SENCO. He had a few classroom meltdowns after being teased (in a friendly, joshing lad way) and being unable to read social situations, squared up to the wrong people a couple of times and got quite badly hurt.

It would be far better for Kushanku's DS to remain in a familiar environment, even though he's not very happy there at present. Hopefully, with the right support, he will be accepted by the other kids and find his niche .

Last term, DS was invited to hang out with a bunch of very bright, quirky and amusing boys who call themselves "The Outcasts" and are proud of being the Most Uncool in School. They have restored my faith in (teenage) human behaviour .

[bigTillyMint]

That's a great story Mrs F