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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help me with DH problems

13 replies

strawberry · 15/07/2005 08:33

I'm so fed up with dh. Nothing I say makes any difference to him. We have a 3 year old and 2 month old. Any excuse to go out - just think he doesn't want to come home to us some days. Last night he was so drunk I had to help him find the bathroom in the middle of the night. I am so tired. I don't expect him to get up with the baby but surely some emotional support isn't too much to ask for.

Don't know what to do or say to make him realise he is hurting me. This has been going on since November. Don't want to make empty threats but need him to wake up to his responsibilities.

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Forgetmenot · 15/07/2005 08:40

There is no excuse for this behaviour!!
If this has been going on since November then a 'wake up call' is DEFINITELEY in order!!!
Do you have family you could stay with for a while?Although ideally it shouldn't be you leaving the family home.
Why has he been drinking?
Is he depressed?
Have you talked to him about this?
This behaviour is totally unacceptable!

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Forgetmenot · 15/07/2005 08:45

Sorry that sounded a bit aggressive!!
What have your friends and family said about this?
Have you told anybody in RL?
You have enough to deal with if you have two young children you need more than just emotional support too, is he any practical help to you ie changing napppies, feeding etc?

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strawberry · 15/07/2005 08:46

How can I leave with a 2 month old? I have nowhere to go. My mum and dad separated recently. I don't want to leave even as a wake up call. He always has a great excuse for drinking. Normally it is work related. However he was assaulted recently and of course this has affected him. But I already feel like this is just another excuse.

I don't expect him to ask my permission to do something but I do expect him to act repsonsibly

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strawberry · 15/07/2005 08:48

Crossed posts - Everyone in RL seems to have their own problems at the moment. He is good with our toddler at the weekend but hasn't bonded with baby

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Forgetmenot · 15/07/2005 08:54

Excuse me for asking but how old are you both?
I really think you need to sit him down when the kids are asleep and tell him just how bad you are feeling.
If it is easier maybe you could write a letter to him and ask him to sit down with you and read it. This may prevent an argument blowing up.

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strawberry · 15/07/2005 09:00

Thanks for responding forgetmenot.

I am 32, he is 34. I wonder if he is having some sort of getting old crisis?! But think he just loves to get drunk. He has loads of friends and is very outgoing and socialable. He has a good job.

I have tried to talk to him. I wrote him a letter. He says that he has to entertain clients (this is true) as part of his job. He is working hard to provide for us etc etc.

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TracyK · 15/07/2005 09:09

You need to get counselling - if he won't listen to you. It does sound as if he doesn't want to come home - your relationship needs help and quickly!!
Depressed, stressed men out at night getting drunk - will lead to affairs at the worst!

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Forgetmenot · 15/07/2005 09:12

mmm... so we can't blame him for being 'young and irresponsible'.
I am 36 so you'd expect by 34 he'd be more responsible by now!
It sounds like you have tried to communicate but he is just not listening to YOUR needs.

I have to go out now, wish i could stay and talk.
I'm surprised you have not had more responses by now!
What would he say if you asked him to go?
Bit drastic I know but he really needs to LISTEN TO YOU!!!

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Forgetmenot · 15/07/2005 09:18

Yes I agree with you TracyK, this realtionship needs help NOW! Men aren't v. good about opening up about their feelings and most would absolutely refuse to see a counsellor.
I think Strawberry you might seek professional advice, it's all very well us giving our opinions but we don't know all your circumstances and it would be rude to ask.

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MeerkatsUnite · 15/07/2005 09:27

Strawberry,

It sounds like your DH needs help and fast if he is not going to continue on this downward spiral. Drinking to excess often can easily become out of control.

He needs to get to and address the root causes of why he is acting the way he does.

Did he ever talk with anyone like Victim Support after the assault?. If no action was taken against his assailants this may be one reason why he is drinking now - to forget and kill any emotional pain he is still carrying.

Would he consider Relate counselling and if not would you be prepared to go on your own?

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strawberry · 15/07/2005 11:03

Thank you for messages. What sort of help should I/we get? Relate? AA? DOctor? he does have days where he doesn't drink but he is well over the units limit each week. The assualt is only part of problem as this has been going on much longer. He had counselling for it and seems to have come to terms with it quite well.

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TracyK · 15/07/2005 11:09

I would say Relate - if he would go with you. Maybe even by starting the ball rolling along these lines will open his eyes.

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strawberry · 15/07/2005 11:30

He would be shocked to say the least if I contact relate - I think you are right TraceyK, it may be enough to make him realise.

I will not let any of this affect the DS's which is why he thinks it is ok despite what I say. I still cook and clean and play so he thinks i am coping.