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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Best Friend needs my help

13 replies

jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 00:18

and I dont know how to help her.

Basically she is living with her BF and has been for 10 years. They have two boys, 4 and 2.
He works a weird shift pattern and whilst he is not working she works 15 hours a week. He looks after the children whilst she works.

Since DS2 was born she has been pretty miserable. Quite teary and not a happy bunny. I thought she might have PND but she thought not.

The past two years I have watched her slip from being a lively fun person to be around to a creature I hardly recognise now. She is so unhappy with everything in her life.

A couple of days ago she phoned me in tears. Her and BF had argued and she was heartbroken. I told her she needed to talk to him about how she is feeling but he wont talk to her.

He is busy building their family home...all spare time is spent on building work or he is playing golf, football etc.

She is upset because he doesnt even ask her if she wants a cup of tea....thats all she keeps saying..."Im unhappy and he wont even make me a cup of tea" over and over and over again!

Tonight Ive been on the phone to her for an hour because she said he wouldnt make her a cuppa because he doesnt feel he should have to, as he works 15 hour shifts and she just works for 3 hours a day.

She has told him to leave....he refuses because he wont "leave her sitting pretty in the house".

She is at the end of her tether and I dont know what to say to her anymore. DH talked with her today and she just sat sobbing.

Ive talked with her BF, who is my DH's best mate, and he said she is drinking a bottle of red wine everynight, getting drunk....cant wake up next day....ratty with the kids and he is sick of it. She denies this. I never see her being ratty with the children...she is a good mom...however he has a short fuse with the children and Ive had words before with him about this.

I feel so sorry for both of them.....their relationship is falling apart and I dont know how to help them....both have asked DH and I to help....but we dont know how.

Any ideas??

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jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 00:26

DH's contribution after reading this thread

"Why doent she ask him to make her a coffee instead....variety is the spice of life you know".......now you know why I need help with this delicate subject!

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Norash · 14/07/2005 00:34

Jayzmummy now I am no shrink, but I would say that this relationship is over. Don't you think so? If you do, then why don't you just tell your friend to leave him. I know it is hard when one has been in a relationship for so long, but what is the alternative? Stay for anothe 10 years and go separate ways anyway?

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jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 00:39

I tried saying that to her tonight.
Can she imagine living her life as it is now for the next ten years....she said "No"....well thats how its going to be if they dont start talking to each other and sorting this out.

My DH had a niggling feeling her BF maight be seeing someone else, which makes this so much harder.

I wish I could make it all Ok for them because we use to have such fun times together, but not anymore

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Norash · 14/07/2005 00:43

Jayzmummy, she is your friend and pressumably you care about her. Sometime we don't see what is going on right in front of us, but with the help of other ( you in this case) we may see what is going on. I think however painful the truth may be, you as her best friend should help/force her into seeing it.

A little bit of tough love needed here me thinks

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jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 14:06

Anyone got any ideas?
BF has been on the phone again this morning and I just dont know what to say to her.

She just keeps asking why she cant have a relationship like the one I have with DH...ummmm because her BF has turned into a selfish, arogant,stubborn MCP and my DH is quite the opposite.....but I cant say that to her can I? It would only fuel the fire and I want to help them go back to how they were a couple of years ago....but how?

I know he has changed since they had their second child but so has she....its horrid to watch two people who obvioulsy loved each other very much now despise each other with all their might.

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koalabear · 14/07/2005 14:10

can you talk to BF instead of your DH and ask him what he wants? ask BF what he wants, and ask him if he would like you to help by talking to GF? at least you might get some answers - sometimes men will talk to another woman but not the one closest to them

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GoldieGarty · 14/07/2005 14:15

Does she suspect him of seeing someone else? (I am Fimbo by the way)

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CarolinaMoon · 14/07/2005 14:26

do you think she was depressed with PND and he couldn't handle it (hence him being anywhere except in the house with her)?

Or that he was a git in the first place and that made her depressed?

Either way, she does sound depressed - what else could cause all the teariness?

Don't know what to suggest - something major needs to happen though. Can he cut down on the golf and footie and spend time helping with the kids and around the house? Will they try counselling?

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Prettybird · 14/07/2005 14:36

If you say she is "a creature you hardly recognise" now, then it does suggest she is suffering from depression. Can you persuade her to go to her GP?

It may be that her dp can't cope with her depressed state (which might also explain if he is seeing someone else - or is at least tempted to do so). Maybe if she can get back some of her "lively, fun nature", then they could both start seeing the wood from the trees.

Trying to deal with anything when you are chronically depressed is almost impossible - both for the individual concermed and for those who have to interact with them.

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jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 15:10

When my friend had her baby I was pretty sure she was suffering from PND...its hard having new born and an active 2 year old...she was tired and always on the go.I did all I could to help her by having her DS1 as much as possible. Things seem to be OK after about 6 months and she semed brighter but then all of a sudden her BF started to act really weird.

There have been a couple of times when he has done really stupid things that I know have really rocked my best friends self confidence in her self.
For instance his Aunt is only a few years older than himself...she split with his Uncle and turned to my friend and her nephew for support. His Aunt is, well for the want of a better word...a bit of a slapper...and she stayed over one night at their house after getting drunk. All was quite innocent until the Aunt got up in the night for a pee...then ended up in their bed!!!!
He said he was only joking when he suggested a threesome...ewwww!!!!
This really upset my friend and she fell out with the aunt over it....then a few months after he went out to town with some friends and ended up spending the night dancing with his Aunt...in a rather provocative way...word got back to my friend and she was again really upset by her BF's actions. then the Aunt started texting her BF rather cryptic messages....I never really did understand what was going on!!!!

Things like this have really knocked her and she is feeling so down. I hate seeing her like this. Ive suggested counselling but he wont go. When I talked to him about what is happening he just said she is drinking to much. She denies this.

He constantly puts her down in front of other people and she never retaliates in reponse...instead she just lets him do it. He critisises her parenting skills, complains to others that she is always moody and tells others he thinks she is over weight(size 10 and 5ft 6inches tall...definately no wobbly bits to be seen!)

When another friend was trying to help them out she asked him what he wanted out of life to be happy....thinking he would reply with comments along the lines of wanting to be part of a family etc...she was really shocked when he gave this response " A BJ is all I need to be happy and she wont give me one of them"

I really dont know what else to suggest to her...its so painful to watch her suffering like this...she deserves better because she is the sweetest person I know.

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Prettybird · 14/07/2005 15:14

It does sound like her dp is being a bit of an a*se. If oyur dh is his best mate, can he talk any sense into him?

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CarolinaMoon · 14/07/2005 15:20

will she see her GP about it? maybe if her depression (if it's depression) was treated she'd find it easier to stand up to her DH?

he does sound like he's been a prat though.

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jayzmummy · 14/07/2005 15:25

DH has tried but he wont listen. He just says that he is fed up with her maoning...DH told him that she only moans because he is always playing golf, footie etc and not spending time with his family.

My DH suggested he buy her a membership to the health club so she can have the chance to escape and be pampered for a couple of hours each week. He did buy her a membership....the only problem is she can hardly ever go because he is always otherwise engaged and cant have the children for her. Golf etc are far more important than his own children!

I eally dont think she knows what she wants...she says she feels she isnt appreciated. She wants him to do things for her that make her fel special...when I ask for an example of what he could do that would make her feel specail...she doesnt know and then she goes back to he fact he wont even make her a cup of tea!

I feel like I am going round in circles with this. I know they are the only ones who can sort this out....its just so difficult when she asks me to help and I just dont know how to!