My mum is suffocating me and my DS

[Abwab]

My DS is 9 months old and the way my mum and her husband are with him is driving me mad. He is my Mums first grandchild and I appreciate that she loves him very much but she is so over zealous with him and can?t leave him alone for a second. Yesterday was the straw that threatens to break the camels back. It was my DS?s naming ceremony and we had about 60 guests, my DS was passed around the room (quite happily) for 2 ½ hours but my mum was never more than a foot away from him and took him off whoever had him at any opportunity. My brother lives miles away from me and only gets to see my DS every few months but even he wasn?t allowed any time on his own with him.

My mum and her husband even arrived for the ceremony 40 minutes early at the same time as us!! It is as if she can?t bear not to be a part of our little family unit. She looks after DS every Wednesday and I hate it because they are so manic with him, desperate to make him laugh and smile. It sometimes feels like they want to make him love them more than he does my DH and I.

I know I need to speak to my mum about all off this but I don?t know how to. She is very clingy (bad childhood) and quite needy but by not saying anything I feel it is putting our relationship in serious trouble.

Please help!!

[ssd]

If you feel like this maybe he would be better off in a nursery on a Wednesday rather than your mum? Sounds like you could all use a little distance.

[Twiga]

Mot really sure the easiest way to deal with this - if you do talk to her about it though maybe start with some positives ie how pleased you are that she loves your ds and how helpful her taking him on a wednesday is etc - then raise your concerns and see how it goes from there. Think with your mum's background if you can put as mush of a positive spin on things as possible, might be the gentlest way to sort things out. All the best x

[Abwab]

ssd, my ds is already in nursery 2 days a week and we can't really aford a third day. Problems aside i do think there are positive things to be had from DS spending time with his grandparents. I do agree that we could do with some space though and that comes by way of me not really seeing them apart from on a Wednesday auuuggghhh. x

[Abwab]

thanks Twiga, i know you are right but i fear that as soon as i start to raise the issues she will just shut me off and not want to have the conversation at all. As a family we have never been big on talking about problems but i am trying to break the mold! x

[Marie12]

I have the same problem atthe mo - my sonis 6 weeks old and my mum can be quite iverbearing with him. She makes comments about the wayIdo things and compares to whatshedid with me when Iwas a baby. When I seeher sheinsists n holding him when Iam trying to get him to sleep etc etc. I too have chickened out of confronting her about it so far becasue she will be really hurtand back off completely - I know what shes like, and then we will probably never seeher! It is ruining my relationship with her though and we used tobe really close.

[Mytwopenceworth]

i know it doesnt help, and you certainly are going to have to address this with her, but try when you speak to her about it to remember that she is behaving this way cos he is the child of her beloved child! the reason she loves him so much is cos he came from you! not saying this is the total reason cos lots of grandparents manage to hold themselves back and that doesnt mean that they love any less but remembering this might help you to approach her showing a little less of your (understandable) frustration

[tomasinatank]

You could be descibing my MIL Abwab. My ds1 is 5 now and ds2 3 but she was/is the same. When ds1 was a baby she was truly unbearable and even admitted she would breastfeed him if she were able It got to the point just after ds2 was born that I lost t completely with her and just started screaming and going mad after she had once again ignored my wishes about something inorder to give him something and basically made me out to be a baddie. She backed off after that but i was alwys aware of the fact that if I ace her an inch she would take a mile as so to speak - and recently she has shown that to be the case. Ohhhh! The stories I could tell you.
You have my sympathies
MAybe yoiu are i a better position to me as she is your mother? I found it harder as being my MIl and DH didnt really see the problem or was unwilling to face the problem so I felt unable to talk to her and felt very isolated and neurotic until anotehr famly memebr noticed and commented to me about her. Then I realsied I wasn't be over possessive etc of ds.

[Marie12]

thanks mytwopenceworth, iknow you are right but it is SO hard

[moondog]

Abwab,sorry to be the voice of dissent but I would be thankful that your ds has such a loving and attentive grandmother.It will be such a help to you over the next few year to know that you have someone 100% reliable to help.

I speak as someone with parents and pils who are thousands of miles away.

(Do you pay yoir mother to look after ds btw??)

[Lizita]

i posted a thread somewhere this evening about the opposite. Well, not the opposite cos my mum is also a doting grandmother but I'd like her & my dad to help out more than they do! You've reminded me how lucky I am that she's not an overbearing grandmother. Isn't it funny how our relationships with our mums start screwing up after having kids? I keep reading in books that mums get closer to their mums...

[Tortington]

i am the voice of dissent.

my mum despite looking after my children when they were little at various times and taking them to school - does not send them a birthday card or ever see them.

[WideWebWitch]

I can't see the problem here! Sorry but your mum loves your baby, er, what's wrong with that? I haven't read the other posts but I just don't get your problem, sorry. I'd be upset if my mum DIDN'T love my children.

[WideWebWitch]

And from what you say - you say you can't afford a nursery for the day she has him - she looks after your baby FREE! And loves him madly! What on earth are you complaining about? Sorry, I just don't get it.

[Jimjams]

Agree with www - and remember when you have another child you'll WANT someone to take one of them off your hands for as long as possible. We have 3 now. My Mum is the only other person who can completely 100% handle ds1 (severely autistic), and her willingness to take him off my hands every now and then saves my sanity to be honest. Ds2 adores my dad and as soon as he walks in the door has eyes foor no other. Fantastic- my dad plays with him and I can get on with things. And I'll happily hand the baby over to anyone who'll hold him.

Hands on parents are fantastic- much more of a godsend than those who wait to be told what to do, or worse, asked. Especially when there are problems in the family- I cannot tell you how much my mother has saved our family since ds1's diagnosis- not because of the things she's said, or because of any :there there platitudes (my mother doesn't do sympathy- mor elikely to tell me to get on with it); but because she loves her grandson no matter how difficult he is, no matter the extent of his problems and mucks in and helps. She even had him for a week (her and dad moved into my house for a week) so that we could take the other 2 on a short, very close to home, holiday. Sure sometimes she tells me what to do, but I either take her advice on board, or tell her I don't agree with her, or say "yes" and no my own thing.

[Marie12]

Thats great, but remember that not everyone is as lucky as you to have that rekationship with their parents, so don't preach

[hercules]

Marie, I dont see any preaching here just other ways of looking at the situation. I had no relations nearby with ds but have my mum fairly nearby now for dd.
I feel very lucky my mum is so attached and wants to help out so much. My mum is also going to look after dd one day a week although we will pay her.

[aloha]

My mother sounds a lot like yours Abwab, but it is swings and roundabouts. Yes it can be infuriating, but your ds will love it. Yes, you can feel pushed out sometimes, but when you need a break yourself, you know there is someone you can rely on. Yes, you hate giving up your child, but she's providing free childcare of the very best kind (IMO) totally loving and committed to your child's happiness. I have two tips - one is to make yourself scarce when your mum has your ds - that way she can't annoy you - have a bath, pop out to get your legs waxed - really make use of that time for your own pleasure. Secondly I think a little strictness is fine - ie "come on mum - X has come all the way from Y for a cuddle - hand him over!" - but if you can be firm but keep your sense of humour and perspective it will help. An adoring grandma is a huge, huge plus in a child's life, it really is.

[Jimjams]

I'm not preaching and I certainly wouldn;t class myself as "lucky".

[aloha]

Yes, 'lucky' was a particularly unfortunate turn of phrase. I suspect an over-loving mother doesn't seem that much of a problem to a person with a severely disabled child. I do think looking at it that way can help.
Recently I was moaning about being fat and looking horrible to dh, when it suddenly occurred to me I was going to meet a friend who had an accident and had no legs and that I was being a silly cow.

[Jimjams]

it's not so much not seeing it as a problem aloha- just a reminder that sometimes we need to get help, and its a lot easier to take it from your mother. My mum visits almost every day after work to help with tea, bath and bedtime. Bath and bedtime is actually impossible to do alone and on nights when she doesn't come in dh has to come home early. Social services will fund 8 hours help a week in termitime, but my mother does more, for free willingly.

I'm not suggesting everyone should remember that they could have a disabled child, but other happy things can happen meaning that you need more help (twins for example). It doesn't make sense to completely piss off someone who is willing to help so much.

Without my mother our family would have sunk, but I would never have realised that 6 years ago when ds1 was an apparently normal baby- then she gave a hand which was a bonus, now I need that helping hand, and the great thing is I don't have to ask for it.

[Jimjams]

aloha you're not a cow- that's davros' preserve

[assumedname]

I sympathise Abwab, but don't have any strategies for dealing with your mother. Mine was like this and now I see as little of her as I can.

She is impossible to talk to.

[Elf]

I too sympathise Abwab. I think some of the people on this thread just don't get how awful parents or in laws can be in this way, if they haven't experienced it themselves.

This smothering thing just sounds completely unhealthy let alone infuriating. But you are going to have to SAY SOMETHING I fear. Good luck xxxxxxxxxx