I wonder if (and hope) it was your unfortunate choice of examples that has perhaps given people the wrong impression of what you're expecting?

Cos TBH, if dp tried to tell me what clothes I should get rid of, I would tell him where to stick it! & would be shocked if he was moody and resentful if I didn't, then accusing me of not caring about his feelings! They're my clothes!!! Wtf has it got to do with him or our relationship, or how I felt about him?
I would never dream to comment on his wardrobe either & he'd react the exact same way.

When I read your OP i thought you meant things like not doing his fair share of the housework, or being rude to you, or not caring when you are ill, that sort of thing.

I also think you probably described the intellectual stuff a little clumsily. It makes sense that you would like to be able to have conversations with your partner about certain things, relate on a certain level, share interests etc, and perhaps that's the issue as opposed to a different education? Education shouldn't really make a difference really. I am studying natural science with the OU at the moment. (dp has a different degree altogether & science & maths was not at all his forte at school let alone degree level.) But, he has an interest in what I am studying, we often talk about the stuff I am learning, I pass on some of what I've learnt, he gives his opinion about it. I can imagine it may be frustrating if he wasn't AT ALL interested in what I was studying. Same works vice versa. And this aspect of sharing interests etc extends to things other than education of course - music, TV & film, hobbies, politics & values etc.
So maybe what you were talking about was more about that than about being educated per se?

In terms of practical ideas, kairo has written some nice ideas (might try them myself, I especially like the idea of a spider type diagram of things that bug you! ). I'd also suggest that you take a look at your expectations, and try and let go of the little things. So what if he doesn't throw away his old shirts when you ask him to? Clutter may become a problem for the relationship if it takes over the house and affects your life as well as his, but a few old shirts surely shouldn't?

Focus on the important stuff -the time you spend together, the way you speak to each other, etc.

Thought your advice was good, Duke - no personal attack in there that I can see

It's true - it does us all good to imagine what the other person must feel like living with us.

And if you really want counselling-standard advice, then go to counselling. Fairly obvious really

duke - I though your advice was all really good.

OP - if you want to talk to people with experience of couples counselling and Relate, then perhaps you and your husband should actually go and have some counselling?

MNers will always be happy to share their personal experiences, and IMO it is incredibly rude to just dismiss what people have shared with you in an effort to help.

I have had counselling, and yes my counsellor gave me techniques to help me think differently etc. It was counselling just for me not couples counselling but I would imagine that the general gist would be the same.

sorry , i meant i wont let her defensiveness frustrate me.
please excuse my mis-spellings

hi sayithowitis,
you are right. If you have problems and you want to sort it out, you need to firstly be open to help. It does look 'thinkstoomuch' is a little defensive at the same time. But i still feel for her. I can let her comments frustrate me, i hope i can help people in need anyway possible. Your also right, every consilling session is different and the concillor will look out for how you respond to positive and negative criticism.

As bad as I feel that it seems that the OP has taken my well intended advice as a 'personal attack,' it warms my cockles that other posters feel it is worth their time to post about something that they feel is unfair. I appreciate your support.

I hope it helps the OP, even if she would never admit
it to us 'non professionals',

PS - I notice OP has not answered my questions about either relevance of educational background to a relationship or specifics on what she felt was a personal attack.

It seems to me that basically you want someone who is a perfect fit for your idea of what a partner should be, but actually, how many of us ever get that? And guess what? you are probably not a perfect fit for his ideal mate either. The tone of your posts really does come across as someone who is expecting your DH to do all the changing and sorry, but that really is unreasonable. You talk about how you don't feel respected,but how do you think he must feel if all the time you are telling him and showing him how imperfect he is? That would be just as demoralising for him. I am sorry that you have been so defensive on this thread, because I actually think that most of the posters, Duke in particular, have offered you some really good advice. However, if you don't like the advice, then I suggest that you actually find yourselves a counsellor and pay for advice which is pertinent to you, rather than relying on second hand inforation from others! ( not being rude to those who have posted, just that i suspect any advice/techniques given during counselling sessions, are probably tailored to the people concerned rather than being a generic set of rules for anyone and everyone).

a message to 'thinkstomuch' first you need to ask yourself if you both still want to be in this relationship, if its yes then you need to take the next step.. before you approach him, jot down everything that bothers you,i mean everything.
Do the above like a brainstorm that branches out.
Then write notes next to all your problems, wether it is in your control or not, can it be changed, how it can be resolved, is it you? ot is it your husband.

Everything thats in your control try and work on it yourself. things that ar not in your control try and speak to him about, also question yourself if you need to be angry, can you ignore etc

if you need further advise just mail me. otherwise you can see, how long each of my comments are, they are taking over the page lol.
x hope your ok

hi guys, i am new to mumsnet.
I am 27 and have been in a realtionship with now my husband for 10 years. At first it was ok.. ill cut the story short as so much has happened. Things started to get a bit complicated he wasnt the same anymore and we would argue all the time, i wanted to get my point across so did he, we both are very strong individuals and we wouldnt walk away from an argument, so i left him for 2 months. I realised i still love him but we both needed to change, he suggested speaking to relate or some marriage councillor so that we can control our anger and frustrations. I know that when i briefly spoke to a memeber of relate they said they listen to your problems and tell you to go home and try the techniques which would be listening and how to communicate effectively. I wasnt so sure so i decided i didnt want councilling. While i was away from my hubby i did a little soul searching, my story is long and emotional so my advise would be to check out this website, its called 'toknowmyself' or 'toknowyourself' something like that. I also looked in to google books, (its free) theres loads of short books on marriage problems, solutions, how to deal with so many issues. It helpe me so much. I decided to speak to my husband again over the phone before returning back, i instantly noticed i was more different, i was listening, more, communicating clearly. trust me it helps x
I hope this message will help in some way, x

well then you should have stated in your OP that only proffesionals need respond.

we arent mind readers