Five year meltdown... how to move on

[talie101]

Been divorced for 5 years now... long story. Nasty split, OW etc.

Come a long way from the early years but having a real meltdown at the minute...can't even bear the mention of Xh's name without it having a real negative affect on me. Have children so have to have contact on handovers for access etc.. there is NO conversation between us because he chooses not to communicate, especially when his partner accompanies him. I continually try to amend this for the sake of the children but feel I'm just banging my head against a brick wall... he sees no after effects and is in complete denial that his behaviour has an adverse affect on the children.. just convinces himself its all me and that I'm mad/unsound... that hurts and saddens me!

Why can't I block him out and the things he says and just move on?

Why do I allow him to still get to me? A lot of the time I can ignore and get on with my life and not let it affect me too much but then other times I have total meltdown and hate him... I don't want to feel hate! I have never hated anyone in my life until now and I don't like experiencing such a powerful emotion! Nor have I experienced feeling such rockbottom depression at these times of meltdown.

Why do I feel the need to continually make an effort to get communication going again for the childrens sake? Why can't I just say F'ck it and let him get on with it.. the children can make their own minds up about the situation can't they... but I don't want them to think it's me ignoring him... but I give up trying to speak to an ignorant asshole!... and the only person who seems to come off feeling worse is me!

I don't want to still be affected by him this far down the line and even worse for the next however many years I still have to have contact with him for the sake of the children!!

Any tips on how to cope and move on?

x 1million!!!!!!!!!