AIBU?

[notaloud]

To not be able to get over a physical incident two years ago?

I have still not dealt with it 2 years on. It wasn't major.

I have namechanged on here several times so if you guess, please don't post who you think I am.

I wrote when it happened, and for a while after when other verbal stuff happened. I nearly left him, but I didn;t have the strength of conviction.

Since then he has been better. There are still arguments when I get frightened, but I wonder if thats my own doing.

I feel like I am betraying him for still harbouring concerns and for not loving him like I should.

I haven't posted on here for ages because he found all my posts and printed them out for evidence against me. I have now deleted most of the relevant ones.

Should I just accept that he has changed and I could be happy now?

[fabnewlife]

"I get frightened"

"he found all my posts and printed them out for evidence against me"

yes, you could be happy, but not with this man.

[toftr]

hi there, welcome back! I think it's difficult to get past any kind of physical or verbal "incidents," no matter how minor, as you will always wonder if they're going to reoccur, no matter how well he might be behaving now. There is a really good thread about whether EA men can change - I believe it is fairly rare for them to do so unless they fully commit to doing so and seek counselling to help.

Why would he need your posts as evidence against you? What on earth was he trying to prove there? You are under no obligation to love him in any particular way, and if he doesn't and can't make you happy, it doesn't matter what the reasons are, you need to be out of the relationship rather than feeling this turmoil and guilt.

[notaloud]

Thanks I have read lots on the subject. I just bury it all. I can talk to my friend about it, but I have wanted for so long to be able to talk on mumsnet about this. I can now as I'm working now.

I'm afraid to rock the boat. We are ok at the moment, but I am not sure why. I don't really understand what makes it ok and what makes it not!!!

I do feel like I am the victim of EA, but its so very subtle. And most of the time things are fine. And I have a job now, and I go out once a week to a regular thing.

But I still feel like I am living day to day, I don't really plan for the future, I don't look forward to anything, just in case...

[6feetundertheGroundhogs]

A relative of mine was briefly in a EA and DV situation. She left pretty early on, but the damage it did to her took a very long time. her next BF, a year or 2 after the DV one would only have to speak loudly and she would attempt to shrink into the wall....

You are OK at the moment cos DH is not kicking off at you, you and i know that he could come home tonight and kick off, and you'd still be none the wiser as to why.

I too have lived like this, and it's sickening, literally from the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep.

You HAVE to get out, PLEASE! There is SO much in life to look forward to and plan, there is so much peace and serenity that are both waiting for you. There are huge great big belly laughs with your name written all over them.

Get out while you still live and breathe.

You are not living day to day, you are dying day by day.

[Jux]

Things are not OK.

I've no idea who you are or what you may have posted on before and nothing in particular rings a bell about your post. Except all the other posts I read from people who are in EA relationships and are questioning themselves, taking responsibility when it really lies elsewhere, turning into doormats and so on. But even I can tell, from this one post of yours, that things are not OK.

He is still controlling you.