Oh trust me, I had zero composure in private. But I managed to keep it together infront of him (only just though).

Getting on with your life really is the best(although the hardest) thing to do. Honestly, nothing will be gained by waiting around for him, it really won't.

LeQueen I wish I had as much composure as you did. I'm afraid when he told me that he was leaving I was in a terrible mess, crying down the phone and totally devastated. I then left some messages crying the following day. I then left it two weeks before texting him again so not so bad I suppose.

I've now not contacted him for two weeks, sent a stupid e-mail two weeks ago - idiot! It was quite friendly though. I'm not going to contact him again so who knows. I just have this weird feeling that he will be back even though everything screams no. The last thing he said to me was "I am aware I may have made the worst decision of my life by leaving". I think it's that that gives me a thread of hope. He was treated badly by his xw and xgf who both cheated on him and he just couldn't seem to handle a relationship with someone who really loved him and would not let him down - he knew this about me. Maybe I was too much of a doormat I don't know.

I know this will pass but it's still so painful. I keep looking up his name on Facebook and just gazing at his photo. I don't have Facebook so just google him. Then I cry.

So glad things worked out with you.It's nice to know that sometimes people make mistakes about the way they feel about their other half and that it doesn't all end in disaster.

I know exactly, exactly how you feel. I cried myself to sleep every night, and woke myself up in the night to find I'd been crying in my sleep.

It's perfectly natural for you to feel worse as the weeks go by, since you last saw him. Because you won't have had you 'fix' of him, if you see what I mean?

I honestly never thought MrQueen would come back, because things like that just don't happen to me either. But, I think just that one time, someone decided to smile on me and wave a magic wand. But I also know I made a big part of my own luck. I am 100% certain that if I'd just moped around, and carried on a dialogue with him, he would have messed me around for months and months. And we wouldn't necessarily have ended up married. And by behaving as I did he had far more respect for me and our relationship has been much more equal ever since. MrQueen admitted (much later) that he was amazed that I didn't just crumble into a heap and was really impressed by how I got my life together (I've never told him about the waking up crying thing).

But I promise you you will have a happy ending. Even if it isn't the happy ending you hope for right now. You wouldn't expect to feel blissfully happy for ever, would you? Obviously not...because that would be silly. So, in just the same way you can't expect to feel this heartbroken for ever, either.

LaQueen I know you're right - I need to let it go but I've woken up this morning in tears again and it's so awful. It's getting worse and i feel quite depressed. I guess it's everything coming at me at once that I have to deal with.

Your story was so heartwarming. I would be the happiest woman in the world if that happened to me but things like that don't happen to me. I don't think there are any happy endings - well not at the moment anyway but I can dream.

Right, absolutely the only thing you can possibly do if assume he isn't coming back, and get on with your life. Refuse the 'occasional contact' he has suggested because it will just be too painful for you. Tell yourself that it's over, and it's futile trying to de-code anything he says because he's obviously very confused and probably doesn't understand himself what he is saying.

Reading between the lines I'm 90% certain that he's fond of you, doesn't want to hurt you, but has realised he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you. The problem is he thinks he's being kind by telling you he is confused, and that he still loves you. He's not, actually. He's just trying to let you down gently. The only thing that's confusing him is how to get out of this situation without making an even bigger fuck-up of it than he already has.

Phrases like 'I'm confused' and 'I still want to see you sometimes' are all lines men trot out when they don't want to be blunt, and want to save themselves the horror of an emotional scene and want to be able to gently edge away. So, don't put yourself through this torture. End it quickly and cleanly, eventhough it crucifies you to do it. Otherwise, he'll let you linger on in false hope.

However, I did say I was only 90% certain. This is because I was in exactly the same situation as you (although I'd been with MrQueen 9 years when he told me he needed time apart, and wasn't sure he loved me anymore). I was devastated and it nearly killed me to walk away (he too had offered to meet up for the occasional drink, and professed to be very confused). I declined his kind offer, and moved out and got busy buying my own house. It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, inside I felt like I was dying. 2 weeks later he contacted me and told me he was still confused, and wanted to meet for a chat. I told him I didn't see the point if he was still confused, and hung up (then cried for 2 hours). A week later he rang me and told me he'd made a huge mistake, swore undying love and pleaded with me to meet him. We met for a drink (him virtually in tears, me in shock). I told him I needed time to think things over because he'd broken my heart and turned my world upside down. For the next few weeks we kept in touch by email and text, but I refused to meet him. He showered me with flowers, presents, letters. Finally about 6 weeks later I agreed to give him another chance. He took me away on a fabulous romantic weekend and proposed. I said no. He took me away the following weekend and proposed. I said no. Finally, 3 months later I agreed. We got married the following year.

Soooooo - by walking away, you keep your dignity and it might pay off, and he might see the error of his ways. It's unlikely, but it might happen. And even if it doesn't you will have saved yourself endless, lingering pain where you live in a half-world of hope and despair.

Good luck.

Mickey I love your posts, they are so uplifting. I will be able to start this process once I get my own place I'm sure. Having a bad day again and missing xp really really badly. Some days are better but I'm having problems accepting that he's never coming back. He meant the world to me and it's so hard to live with this. I can't see it getting better for a while. Not good tonight.

Take care and thanks for posting.

Hi Lambypoo

Cut yourself some slack here.

In one month you are going through a number of the top stressors all at the same time:

1) moving out of your home
2) buying a new home
3)moving into accomodation you wouldn't choose
4)trying to deal with xh who senses your not at your strongest and is taking advantage of this
5) the man you thought was your future is gone

Any 1 of these would knock any of us for a while.You are brilliant for still keeping going
You can't deal with all of these at the same time

Decide which is the most important 1 and put the rest to the back of your mind for when you've got the energy!!

Where do you want to be in 1 year?

Get the plans down on paper today and then pick one.You've already shown us you have great strength: you've just gotta believe it too!

I wasn't looking for romance when I met my dh. I was busy working through my list of plans and dh told me later that he loved the fact that I had a full life and wasn't waiting for a man! This will happen for you too if that's what you want.

Hugs n good thoughts
M

Mickey you have given me hope on a very black night tonight. I love your tips and may write them down somewhere where I can see them. What you've described is exactly what i want to do.

I have just spent half an hour in the car driving home screaming and screaming and screaming about the unfairness of it all and how everything I touch seems to turn to shit. My flat has fallen through and xh has turned really really nasty and I am at the end of my rope well and truly. Screaming for a cuddle from xp and wanting my mum who lives not locally. Feel so so alone.

Sorry for the downer - not a good day but thanks for your lovely post. I'm glad things turned out well for you.

Hi Lambypoo,
I just found your thread and wanted to pass on some tips I found helpful when my exh did exactly the same to me as yours did? I was almost tempted to ask if it was the same man!!

- A wise friend told me that our body can only cope with that physical pain you are feeliing for six weeks and it will then compensate for it. Although it didn't feel like it at the time, after 6 wks the pain wasn't so bad

-the first 6 months were the most painful (infact, first thing in the morning was the worst time for me!). That pain you are feeling in your heart will moved downwards and this is a positive move (apparently!)

- I kept a journal and noted, amongst other things, anything AT ALL that had happened positive in the day.I read over the journal and found that I was making progress (even though it didn't feel like it at the time)

-After a few drunken text and slurry phone calls I deleted his number from my phone.

- I went to Relate for support becuase I didn't want ALL my conversations with my friends to be about my feelings etc..

-I decided that I could learn from this experience or spend the rest of my life brooding on it. I made a list of things I wanted to do (like travel) and started to work through the list.

- I stopped trying to work out the "why". I still to this day don't know why he did what he did (a week before he told me the marriage was over he sent me a letter telling me how happy he was to be my dh!!)

- This time made me "stronger": I took some time out to work out why I had been attracted to him (and what that said about me- thanks Relate!!!) and what kind of man I wanted.

The end result for me was that the tears ran out, I focused on me, my career, friends, my sanity and a year later I met my DH at my part time job. We have been together 13 years, have 2 DS and my exh is still single.

I hope these tried and tested tips help a little. We've ALL been where you are now and I'm sending a MN hug your way
M x

Hi Lambypoo,
I just found your thread and wanted to pass on some tips I found helpful when my exh did exactly the same to me as yours did? I was almost tempted to ask if it was the same man!!

- A wise friend told me that our body can only cope with that physical pain you are feeliing for six weeks and it will then compensate for it. Although it didn't feel like it at the time, after 6 wks the pain wasn't so bad

-the first 6 months were the most painful (infact, first thing in the morning was the worst time for me!). That pain you are feeling in your heart will moved downwards and this is a positive move (apparently!)

- I kept a journal and noted, amongst other things, anything AT ALL that had happened positive in the day.I read over the journal and found that I was making progress (even though it didn't feel like it at the time)

-After a few drunken text and slurry phone calls I deleted his number from my phone.

- I went to Relate for support becuase I didn't want ALL my conversations with my friends to be about my feelings etc..

-I decided that I could learn from this experience or spend the rest of my life brooding on it. I made a list of things I wanted to do (like travel) and started to work through the list.

- I stopped trying to work out the "why". I still to this day don't know why he did what he did (a week before he told me the marriage was over he sent me a letter telling me how happy he was to be my dh!!)

- This time made me "stronger": I took some time out to work out why I had been attracted to him (and what that said about me- thanks Relate!!!) and what kind of man I wanted.

The end result for me was that the tears ran out, I focused on me, my career, friends, my sanity and a year later I met my DH at my part time job. We have been together 13 years, have 2 DS and my exh is still single.

I hope these tried and tested tips help a little. We've ALL been where you are now and I'm sending a MN hug your way
M x