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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

Advice Needed: I am sorry but you invited me

43 replies

DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 16:05

I really need some advice as I just had a hysterical MIL on the telephone apologising for some pretty outrageous behaviour last year with 'I am sorry that we upset you, but you invited us'.

Now somehow I feel I am made responsible for her bad behaviour because I invited her to meet her new granddaughter?

Now I was not 'allowed' to be 'nasty' to her as she is apparently on the verge on a mental breakdown as my ex and I split mostly because of the bad behaviour of his family to which he never protected me.

Personally I think she is a huge drama queen and incredibly neurotic but I would like some other input, mainly to put my own mind to rest.

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MmeLindt · 31/08/2009 16:06

What did she do to upset you?

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dittany · 31/08/2009 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twoteachers · 31/08/2009 16:18

Quite right - as my Head Teacher would say "A qualified apology is no apology."

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 16:35

Basically the whole family really misbehaved when our daughter was born, I came home from hospital to a filthy (and I mean filthy) house, it tooks the two of us two hours to clean it after they stayed in the house for 5 days whilst I was in hospital. I was still pretty weak and I was disgusted I had to clean up after his family to ensure a hygienic environment for my baby and myself. I even had to dis-infect the walls, that is how bad it was.

Apparently MIL did see all the mud on the floors, walls, kitchen etc but did not think to clean it, they were going out for lunch

The day after I came home from hospital, MIL invited 40 people to our house without our knowledge or consent, I kicked them all out after 6 hours as items in the home were being damaged.

Our home was completely taken over for 5 weeks, in the end I had to ask them to leave as it was absolutely unbearable. TV was on for over 10 hours a day so I could not sleep as volume was so loud, FIL falling asleep in the middle of the day on the sofa and refusing to go to bed so I instead had to tiptoe around and I could not watch my own television, my friends felt incredibly uncomfortable due to their racist remarks so would not come over to see our baby daughter. Lots more things happened, basically everthing we asked them not to do, touch etc, was just ignored.

In general I asked them so many times to please respect the rules in the house and just show a little bit consideration and respect. Partner just did not stood up to them as it was his parents although I was crying almost every day as it was so difficult.

The dog walker felt so sorry for me, he offered to take me and the baby to his house for some rest and TLC!

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MmeLindt · 31/08/2009 16:39

OMG.

She is excusing their behaviour because you invited them?

She is absolutely nuts.

Don't even waste a moment of your time worrying about her.

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Katisha · 31/08/2009 16:39

Why's she apologising now though?
Is she wanting to come again or what?
What did you say on the phone?

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 16:47

Basically ex and I split, I developed Post Traumatic Disorder as a result of the 7 weeks of their stay and for a very long time he blamed me for everything and told me to get over it.

They know they are never welcome in my house, I am being difficult, it is so long ago, I have low self esteem which is to blame, she has so many terrible things happen to her etc.

Now we have split, ex is very upset with his parents/sister etc and is asking them why they have done certain things hence her phone call. I think she is miffed he is daring to ask her certain questions which are making her uncomfortable.

I can kind of understand he was in denial for so long as he has a very rose tinted view of his family, however I did go through absolute hell, I felt I was like an alien in my own home.

In the end though, he did not protect his own little family from his own family and I have never been able to forgive him for that.

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Katisha · 31/08/2009 16:49

So what have you said to her today?
Basically though it does sound like you have to keep them out of your life. Completely.

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deste · 31/08/2009 16:53

Have you told her what you have told us. If you have what was her reaction?

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 16:55

I said I did not want to speak to her, I feel it is always about her as she is crying, sobbing, generally being hysterical. I think I am supposed to say how sorry I am for putting her through this but I do not play any games.

I want to enjoy my day off in the garden with a glass of wine.

I don't want anything to do with them,
I would actually prefer my daughter not to have any contact with them either, not sure how I can avoid that though.

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 17:02

Sorry, I did write her a letter about a month ago outlining their behaviour and how it made me feel, mainly for closure for myself.

Their excuse is that they were not thinking of cleaning the house before I came home with the baby as they were busy (I mean come on, You don't think to clean your pube shavings out of the bath) or thinking when inviting people for a party or thinking when asked not to throw vintage clothing in the washing machine despite being asked five times not to touch it or thinking it is inappropiate to sleep on the sofa in somebody else's house in the middle of the day or thinking that you cancel when agreeing meeting in a restaurant but going shopping instead so leave people waiting for two hours.

I really don't understand how you CANNOT think to do certain things. You must be either incredibly self-centred or stupid in my opinion.

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VeronicaMars · 31/08/2009 17:20

That's ridiculous, if you are in soembodys house and they are due home with a newborn then you clean the house. Crazy crazy people. I would waste no more of my time even thinking about it.
She was crying because her son has pulled her up on some stuff that happened.
They have no respect for you if they behaved like this. And from the sounds of it, it looks like they were only thinking of themselves and not your lo.

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warthog · 31/08/2009 17:22

you're definitely better off without them. you don't have to accept her apology, esp one that has a 'but' in it which basically means it's not an apology!

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 17:28

Thank you so much for your advice. I am so glad to hear that I am not the only one that thinks it is only right to clean the house when a newborn is due to come home.

Ex is rather forgiving and still seems to think 'they simply did not think' I just think they had no respect for me at all, at the very least they were not thinking about me.

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Katisha · 31/08/2009 17:33

Was this all all a one-off over the period of the birth or have they always been mad?

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dittany · 31/08/2009 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2009 17:53

just tell her to fuck the fuck off

you will feel much better

and I'm glad your ex is your ex, if this is one example of his spineless behaviour...

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DutchGirly · 31/08/2009 18:09

I don't really know them that well, I just met them twice before whilst on holiday as they all live abroad. They did seem nice then and fairly normal although MIL is known to be neurotic and a drama queen. Nobody pulls her up on it though.

I may be naive but I honestly never thought that anybody could behave that badly as a guest. They did say they were going to stay for 7 weeks but the deal was that they were going to stay with other relatives, going a couple of weekends away which never materialised. They did drive ex insane too, he simply wanted to keep the peace. To be fair, it cannot have been easy for him a a new dad, a crying partner and the house guests from hell. He should have set the boundaries right from the start then and set ultimatums if boundaries were breached, unfortunately this was never done as they are his parents.

Personally, I don't care who you are but if you don't adhere to the house rules, then you are out (after being asked to behave nicely a few times)

I did pull her up on her behaviour and instead of saying sorry, she started a whole drame and screaming ' My children don't need me anymore etc' when I asked her why she invited guests around without my consent.

Maybe the end conclusions is that they are crazy, not sure?

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 31/08/2009 18:14

You didn't invite them to come and behave like dreadful, selfish slobs. She's your exMIL, just remember that fact! You are not responsible for her feelings.

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tryingherbest · 31/08/2009 18:15

You don't need to have anything to do with her any longer.

I have similar mil and fil and sil however not quite so dirty - but certainly take over to the point where you feel you're a stranger in your own home and after everything you're kind of supposed to thankj them for it! Wonder if my inlaws and your ex laws live in the same place. Yep and my dp won't hear a word said about them.

However they are your ex now - you owe them nothing - don't get involved in dragging up the past.

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Heated · 31/08/2009 18:18

Resounding silence is often the best response.

If they become a problem, refer them to your ex. Say 'you were pretty spineless last time, but keep them away, grr'.

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DutchGirly · 01/09/2009 07:44

Thank you so much for the support, I was constantly being felt that I was in the wtong, that it was not that bad, it was simply because they were not thinking.

I still can't get my head around ' They were not thinking', I mean is that the same as 'We were just thinking what we wanted to do?' I am deeply hurt that I did not get to enjoy those first few months with my newborn, I feel that the whole experience has been totally ruined by some extremely selfish people called family.

I have never encountered behaviour like this before, I find it extremely difficult to deal with. The people around me are all nice, extremely considerate, well-mannered, intelligent human beings so I was flabbergasted when people actually behave like that.

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sayithowitis · 01/09/2009 09:15

Hi DG.
Firstly, I don't think you need to feel at all responsible for the way your totally lunatic ILs behave or feel.

However, I notice that you said in the OP that the main reason you and ex split is because of their behaviour towards you and his failure to protect you from it. You also said that he has now started asking them uncomfortable questions about that. I wonder whether he has forced her to phone you and apologise in the hope that it might help to repair your relationship with him? Is it possible that he thinks if he can show you he is now standing up to them, that there may be a way back for you and him? Now, obviously I don't know what else went on so might be barking up the wrong tree entirely, but it was just a thought.

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DutchGirly · 01/09/2009 09:40

Sayitwhoitis

I think you may be right. My ex is not a bad person but he just wants everybody to be happy.

I do know he could not believe either how his beloved and idolised family behaved, they drove him absolutely insane and I think he just went into denial.

That said, his job was to put me and our daughter as first priority.

I know he asked his mum when she did say she aw the mud why she did not clean it up, she said it was the dog that brought it in, she would not give him a straight answer though it was very vague.

His sister got the huff and is not responding to his texts or emails, she says I called her dirty etc which I did not do, I simply described the state of the house she left.

It may sound trivial, I was looking so forward coming home with my baby after spending 5 days in hospital, my heart just sank when I entered the house. Combine this with feeling like a stranger in my own home, with things being destroyed in the house, not being replaced, constantly people invited over and never any kind of 'peace' it the house, it just 'broke' me.

I am a very strong, independent woman and I am still kind of shocked that this has affected me so much.

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Buda · 01/09/2009 09:53

You are not in the wrong. They were. They know that deep down but they are completely thoughtless and selfish so will never admit it. They see nothing wrong with their behaviour so will never apologise.

Your Ex is stuck in a situation where he was brought up in this family so he probably never questioned it or saw it as wrong and to him it seems normal that they 'just didn't think' but he can now see that the behaviour is not normal and it has caused the break-up of his relationship.

At this stage you have nothing to lose by being as honest as you want with his family. It is NOT normal behaviour to come and stay for 7 weeks and destroy a house. It is NOT normal to 'host' a party in someone else's house when they have just had a newborn. It IS normal to ensure the house is clean and tidy before a newborn comes into the house. When you are invited to stay at such a time it is hoped that you are there to help out.

Can I ask what nationality your Ex is? Are his family used to having help in the house? I ask because reading between the lines it seems as if they just didn't think because they never need to. There is always someone there to do that stuff for them.