can i moan about dh and money

[cheesesarnie]

sorry another relationship post from me within 5 minutes

money is tight atm,im worrying about it every night but have been very good getting the weekly shopping down to £34(for 5),we're going without things but eating a fairly balanced diet.im a sahm so this comes out of the family tax credit and child benefit.i also pay bills out of this (water,council tax,electric,a catologue we used to buy washing machine and new tv when old one blew up),driving lessons.

dh works full time and long hours.

on thursday i did the weekly shop saying no to dc when they wanted certain things in supermarket just because i dont have the money.we did it in budget with £3 to last till next thursdayand the very next morning dh comes in with food shopping(£160 worth).this really upset me for some reason,he knows i panic about money and if he'd said he had 'spare' money it could have gone to something else-such as next weeks food bill.i can see in good way now that we now have freezer full of food but was and yesterday.i think just because he's now a hero to dc splashing cash on cakes and treats etc!

also last week he casually mentioned going to hairdresser,i was as he knew dc needed hair cuts before going back to school but i couldnt afford it.

i know im being silly and immature.its just theres no 'us' when it comes to money or even parenting really.

ignore my silly rant

[GypsyMoth]

how did you hold onto your temper?

and where did the money actually come from....sounds like you aren't reading off the same page here!!

[poorbuthappy]

Ummm yes, certaintly don't appear to be in the same family with you budgeting shopping down to £34 and having £3 left until next week, and him spending £160 on shopping in the blink of an eye!

Looks like only the mortgage/rent is left to pay? Is it a large amount of money? (sorry if too nosey...)

[cheesesarnie]

he pays the rent-£650,the phone bill and car things.

its his wages.i dont see the money he earns.its his money and apparently the tax credit,child benefit is mine-its not imo its dc.

im glad youve both said that.i thought i was over reacting and getting all emotional over nothing.

ilovetiffany-i sobbed and then had to sit outside.like i said i didnt know if over reacting.he asked what was wrong i told him but he just didnt seem to understand.

[LaurieFairyCake]

It's not his money. It's family money. You need to find a way to pool this so that one partner doesn't just 'control' things. You equally contribute time or money to the relationship so it's joint money surely?.

[cheesesarnie]

thats the way he sees it.oddly its my council tax bill,my electric bill etc etc.

maybe i should ban him from washing or turning on lights.

[jeminthepantry]

I'm sorry but you need to sort this out as a couple, do you live together?

You need to talk to each other. FFS. Why do you feel you can't both work it out together? I'm not having a go at you, but if he doesn't want to work together( you have DCs and house together?) what does he want?

Doesn't sound equal, imo.

Why do you feel you can't talk about finances etc?

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

I just don't know what to say.

He underminds you with the kids.

He does a food shop without discussion and then spends loads.

He is an idiot. Sorry.

And if it is your council tax bill and your electri bill tell him he can't live there or us electricity as he isn't paying for it.

Doesn't sound like an equal marriage to me .

[cheesesarnie]

yes we live together.have been married for 9 years and have 3dc.ive told him we need to work out whats going on financially.ive (always)written down my ins and outgoings each month and said we need to sit down and do the same with his bank account/finances.hes not interested.he just wont do it-like its nothing to do with me.it isnt equal at all.

i have no idea why hes like it-he always has been.a few years ago i found out he was saying hed paid rent etc but he actually wasnt paying-first i knew of it was a letter from the landlady.we had big bust up about dishonesty and i threatened to leave.
for 6 months afterwards he had to give me the rent money and i paid it directly to landlady so i knew it was being done.somehow it went back to him doing it and alls been well on that for years(have new landlady who would quite rightly kick us straight out if it happened here).

[Kally]

No! I would have been ranting about that too. My ex used to do things like that. I'd scrimp and save and be strict with the kids, he'd come along and look like Father Xmas. I used to hate it! So... I ended up not getting him his things that HE liked (special feta cheese and other fancies). Then - I used to find great pleasure in piping up about it when he would search in the fridge for it...

You could be a nag and start telling him to switch this and that off...

But in all honesty - you should sit down and talk to him about it because really it's like making a laughing stock of your efforts to budget.

Was this £160 a one off? Perhaps he was just being thoughtful and giving you a head start sort of thing (as long as he wasn't buying cases of lager with it), I suppose it might have been just a gesture.
Best to sit and talk about it and really make it clear that if there is money left over for spoils then you should decide together what it goes on.

[clam]

So, you're married, you have DCs together, you share the same house, but you don't see any of "his" money (although you are a SAHM looking after your shared kids - where's "your" money?) and have to scrimp and save to manage on a weekly shop of £34? Yet he can blow £160 without a thought?

WTF is going on here? You. Need. To. Talk.
Joint account, pronto, for housekeeping.

[cheesesarnie]

yes 'things are tight' mean for me and dc.he'll quite often just buy something random where as i cant-and my idea of random is pe shoes for dc or similar not a treat.

im actually crying that youre all being nice and supportive.i thought id get laughed at or abuse at being a twat.he earns approx(i dont actually know,hes secretive about that too)-£400-£500 a week i think(a guess based on hours and i think he gets about £10 an hour).plus he gets about £30/40 working tax credits.i get £143 child tax credits a week and child benefit once a month(which goes straight out on council tax.

[cheesesarnie]

ive tried talking.hes not up for talking.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

What do you spend on him out of your money?

[sunburntats]

No advice but word of warning.
MIL & FIL had a life like this for 30 years or more. Exactly as you describe (except FIl spent large amounts of money they didnt have on himself, not on food shopping)

They were nearly repossesed twice. Debt collectors knocking, literally pennies for food shopping some weeks. The house looked like something out of the 1950's, they literally had nothing because of him.

finally about 6 years ago, she put her foot down and now has full control over all his finances. (she doesnt work, his wage is thier only income)

She feels terribly bitter towards him, hate some times.

She is now nearly 60, and has had a fucking dogs life all her married life because of him.
Can you honestly say that things will be better in 5/10/15 years time if they continue this way?
can you honestly say that you want a life like this?
can you honestly say that in 5/10/15 years time and things are the same that you will look back on your life without regretting putting up with such shite?

She wishes bitterly that she had taken him by the scruff of the neck 25 years ago, and kicked his ass into gear.

If i had been around, id have done it for her tbh.
good luck hun, you are a modern miracle to have put up with it this long.

[TanteRose]

that's awful!
one suggestion is to sit with him at the computer and do the weekly shop on-line and have him pay for it.
Shop for DC's clothes on-line and get him to pay for them.

It is just not on
You are family unit. He is acting like he is single and you are appendages to his life....

[cheesesarnie]

food and bills.although as hes the only meat eater in the house and meat is so expensive i dont buy him meat.

[cheesesarnie]

sunburntats-no i dont want that

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

If your kids need shoes then you buy them first and if there is any money left then he can eat. If not, he can't.

[sunburntats]

who would.

Do you feel that you have a choice?

[cheesesarnie]

i tried the shopping online for food with his credit card(with his permission),it happened for a few months-although not regulary.some weeks he prefered to spend £30 every couple of days in local shop buying crap-lots of crisps and juice but no 'dinner' or real 'food'.other weeks he just said 'ive got no money' so it didnt happen.

all mine and dc clothes etc are 2nd hand.i pay.

[cheesesarnie]

what choice?

fab- the food i buy him is the same food i buy dc.

got to go.my mums here but will be back online later.

thankyou all

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Please don't put up this anymore.

You are equal to him.

If you didn't stay at home with his kids he wouldn't be able to work to earn all this money.

Fucking hell, my dh works loads and probably spends a tenner on him self if that all week. He gives me the rest after he has paid all the bills.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

cheese

You're being subjected to financial abuse here by him and it is highly damaging for you and your children to be a part of.

My guess is his parents have the same tight wad attitude to money; this is where it usually stems from.

[LaurieFairyCake]

I really hate to bring this up but why is he getting working tax credits of £43 a week on top of his £500 a week salary?

Is there any chance he is keeping his cash separate as he is fiddling the system?

I only ask as I'm wondering about you being held liable - according to your figures you may have £800 a week coming in between the two of you.