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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm not going to be popular, but I need someone to talk to

307 replies

veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:01

Have name changed for this, obviously. Married for many years but although we intellectually connect and have fun the sexual side of it has never been quite right. DH seems inhibited and isn't really up for anything out of the ordinary. Anyway, I'm on this committee to do with work and through it I met X who is a few years younger than me, overweight, totooed and into bling (really not my type)on his third marriage and very good company. Not obviously attractive but there is something about him. he is a nurse who holds an administrative position and has that nice empathic manner that male nurses sometimes do. Anyway one thing led to another and before I knew where I was I was being bombarded with texts, invited for drinks and we began to see each other.We do get on very well, not just sexually. It has really messed my head about. As we both have families ( though mine are teens, his daughter is 11) we agreed we would not run away togerther, but both said we would like to.He is an acomplished lover and I do want him physically but each time we get close to having sex he pulls back and says that is not as high on his agenda as it is on mine ( though he invites me round to his house when his wife is out), sends me porny pictures and tries to have sex in wierd positions, but never actually does very much. I've been really silly over this and I'm now unreasonably and stupidly totally in love with him and I think I'm scaring him off by being a bit OTT. I'm just so upset and want to be with him and I feel miserable because he doesn't think it is reasonable I think sex is so important and now he is off to Devon on holiday for a week and I just can't cope and he thinks it is unreasonable of me tobe upset.I've tried really hard with DH over the years but no oral sex, not much sexual activity and no talking in bed leaves me very frustrated. No one will have any sympathy with me but I just can't cope with this on my own. Lover thinks I should be happy just to meet for a grope every now and then in a car park - or to pay for hotel for our meets.(he seems to have no money despite earning more than me)What a mess, am I being unreasonable to want more from X - or is he right that I should just chill out and enjoy what is on offer? If I give him up I'm going to feel distraught, upset and lost, but I feel like sh*t anyway. Don't want to leave DH, love him but can't cope with barren sex life forever - I'm getting on a bit and this might be my last chance.Abit of sensible advice and insight please.

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:04

bit confused here. have you had sex with him? You say each time he pulls back and you dont do it then yhou say he tries to have sex in wierd positions?

Maybe because you have not got paragraphs, i find it difficult to understand. My old eyes are not what they were!

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tiredoftherain · 19/08/2009 20:13

Right, so he's now cheating on his 3rd wife with you, is admittedly not your type, and the affair isn't even bringing you any sexual satisfaction?

Which leads me to wonder WTF you are doing with him and where you think this can possibly lead? At best you will land an adulterous git who you will never trust, and cause lasting damage to your own family relationships. Can that be worth it? Back right off, leave him to his wife and children, and find some other way to get your kicks.

Sorry to be harsh, but having been on the other side of this, it isn't pleasant and you're pursuing him which makes it even worse. If there is enough to salvage with your husband, get down to Relate and sign up for some psychosexual therapy.

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veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:16

I am one sad individual who needs to feel loved and cared about, and sadly I felt I would get it with him. We have had oral sex and he puts me into strange positions ( sorry to be very rude) puts it in but then takes it out again before much happens, and expects me to understand why - I wonder if he has some sexual dysfunction?

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:17

Yes YABU to want more with him.

If you are going to have an affair, you may as well chill out and enjoy it. What is the point if it just causes more emotional upset for you?

(N>B I am not condoning what you are doing, just advising you. You know what you are doing is wrong)

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:18

maybe he is terrified of getting you pregnant and then you have snared him?

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veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:20

No, he knows there is no possibility of pregnancy.

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:21

anyway - what weird positions

maybe there are normal but you say your dh is very inhibited and non adventurous.

we need more details please

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:22

You are just an affair to him, why do you think you will feel loved and cared for by him? He already has a wife, remember.

You should be getting your love from your DH. If you're not, then leave him, and start again, finding someone else single.

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:23

yes tell us the positions

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tiredoftherain · 19/08/2009 20:24

Confused, I'm really sorry, but I don't think he can give you what you need (in any sense..!) I think you're relying on someone to bring you happiness, who clearly isn't in a position to do so.

His sexual behaviour sounds extremely odd to me, is he maybe trying to fool himself that by withdrawing he isn't actually being unfaithful?? Can't think of any other vaguely rational explanation.. have you asked him? He must have completed the deed at some point to have had his children!!

If you keep chasing him, he will keep running and ultimately it will erode your self-confidence and self-respect. You have to break the cycle, neither of you are free to pursue each other, and I think you need to accept that this just isn't meant to be. Can you have some counselling alone to try and work out what's making you so unhappy?

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veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:27

Well I thought for a first approach sort of sideways onwith me on my back and him on his knees at rightangles was a bit odd, and then he wants me on my back but with my legs almost behind my ears - not really that odd but odd for first session with someone you care about - and not much possibility of orgasm for me like that ( though he is very attentive orally and hand wise) i just wondered if he was doing anything to distingush me fr;m his wife i.e. not wanting to do things the wsame way.

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NorbertDentressangle · 19/08/2009 20:27

Maybe he stops when he does as it dawns on him that the reality of the situation is that you are both cheating on your partners.

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 19/08/2009 20:30

I think you should stop seeing him and divorce your husband.

If this is real.

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:33

veryconfused, you started this thread to talk.

So...

In an ideal world, what would your ideal outcome to all of this be? What would you be happy with happening?

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veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:33

Tiredoftherain - I think that is very sensible. I've always been very afraid of rejection and before I was married after being dumped twice by people I was deeply in love with always had more than one boyfriend at once so that I couldn't be that hurt again.

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veryconfusedandupset · 19/08/2009 20:36

Tiredoftherain - I think that is very sensible. I've always been very afraid of rejection and before I was married after being dumped twice by people I was deeply in love with always had more than one boyfriend at once so that I couldn't be that hurt again.

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itsmeolord · 19/08/2009 20:36

He sounds horrid. He doesn't care for you at all.
He does have money, he just can't spend it without his wife asking what it was for.....

I would be more inclined to go to Relate and examine my own marriage rather than worrying about a man who is clearly a serial wanker.

He hasn't given you what you need, ie a fulfilling sex life and he never will because he doesn't need to. He has a wife at home and if you dump him the next victim will come along soon.

Your husband on the other hand may also not be able to satisfy you but not because he doesn't care, simply because you are not sexually compatible.

Taking aside the other man, do you want your marriage to continue?

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dittany · 19/08/2009 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitOfFun · 19/08/2009 20:37

Has he asked you to make horse noises or anything like that?

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:38

As a seperate point, you really shouldn't look to others or rely on others for your happiness. Only you can bring yourself happiness, you cannot seek it out from other people.

Perhaps what you need to concentrate on is your self-esteem.

You shouldn't be being such an eager easy fuck for this man.

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Overmydeadbody · 19/08/2009 20:40

I agree with Dittany. He is using you.

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:41

BOF - pmsl horse noises

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TotalChaos · 19/08/2009 20:42

that thought crossed my mind too about the positions dittany. morality aside, the other man sounds absolutely grim - he's going to end screwing up your sexuality even further.

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dailymailIsPerfectAsaPoopScoop · 19/08/2009 20:44

OMG OMG OMG have just realised something after what dittany said.

You don't think he is bloody filming it do you. Legs open him oral from the side? Camera can get a view?

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dittany · 19/08/2009 20:46

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