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Relationships

First love back in contact

43 replies

HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 01:32

I don't really know what I am expecting from posting on here tbh, I guess I just need to tell someone.

Ok, here it is, When I was 14 I started going out with this lad in my year and I ended up losing my virginity to him, i really liked him but tbh the reason I slept with him is because i felt as though i should, I know it's cliche but all my friends were doing it and i just wanted to fit, in, i was badly bullied and would have done anything to fit in.
Any way, My friends then decided he was a geek and so I dumped him and was quite nasty to him
But the truth is, he was really lovely and I loved him, I had so much going on at the time, we had just had a close family bereavement and I found it hard coping.
Over the years I have regretted so much the way I treated him, and missed him a lot too, always imagined him married with kids, because he was just that kind of respectful guy.

Recently I found out that one of my friends was still in contact with him, and so asked him to pass a message on, and a week later he had looked me up via a popular networking site and sent me an email.

But now I don't know what to feel, I have apologised and told him what i felt like, and he said that he knew deep down that I didn't mean it when i dumped him, I guess I kind of wish he had saved me from what was to come.

The problem is he has a gf, he lives with her but has said that he doesnt want to get married or have children or anything like that with her.

I know i should be backing off right now but I don't think I ever stopped loving or missing him, and him telling me when he went to bed that he cant wait to catch up anmf will be thinking of me has really stirred my heart up.

I just need some tough MN love please

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BitOfFun · 30/07/2009 01:42

FGS, 14?!!

Get a grip woman.

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HolyGuacamole · 30/07/2009 01:48

Well, you just need to look at the threads on here from women who are devastated at finding out their DH/partner is secretly in contact with/having an affair (emotional or otherwise) an ex, etc. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being in contact with an ex, but if it is a secret and if you are harbouring these feelings, then that could cause you more trouble than it is worth.

If he is being honest that he doesn't see a future with his current partner (and by the way, they all say that) then he will leave her and he will leave on his own accord, his decision, not prompted by getting involved with someone else. And to be a bit more harsh - if he doesn't see a future with his GF, he should be telling that to her.....and not confiding in you.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

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Mumcentreplus · 30/07/2009 01:50

...lady Behave..are you nuts?..

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 01:55

I need to stop thinking about what could have been, he is the only bf i had that treated me like a princess.



Ok, I am going to just cut contact, I don't want to test whether I can control my feelings or not.

I just have always felt like none of my other partners have ever compared to him

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 01:57

That does sound stupid considering I was 14/15 at the time, it was 8 years ago, so it's not like I am 40 still pining over him.

But it still needs to stop.

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 08:31

I am starting to wish I never bothered passing on a message, I have been walking around feeling as though i have been dumped.

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foofi · 30/07/2009 08:47

You don't say whether you are currently in a relationship? If not I don't see what harm it would do to get in touch. Ok, he does have a girlfriend, but if he doesn't want to marry her or have kids, you've got a chance there.

However, if you've got a dp of your own and dcs, that's an entirely different matter.

For most people first love is a big thing and he'll always be special in your mind and your heart, but the reality of day to day life would probably be very different.

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cazboldy · 30/07/2009 08:51

agree with foofi, would it hurt anyone else?

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 08:54

I don't have a DP, and they don't have children.

I don't want to split up there relationship but I do, i guess, want to leave the door open for if they ever split up.

Most boys/men I have been out with have all treated me badly, but he didn't, and i treated him appallingly, I am ashamed of it.

I have always thought of him in the relationships where i have been ill-treated an know he would never have done any of that to me

But also, I have been on the recieving end of a cheat, and that isn't something i want to get into or someone I want in my life.

I guess i should tell him that I don't think we should be in contact, but that if he is ever single again to look me up??

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foofi · 30/07/2009 08:56

Yes, you're right, he should end it with her if he wants to persue anything with you. But he's not going to do that unless he knows you're interested.

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 30/07/2009 09:22

Maybe a message along the lines of 'I can't be in contact with you because I don't think I have ever really gotten over you and it is making my heart ache for what could have been between us, but if you are ever single again, drop me a line xx'

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SylvieSprings · 30/07/2009 09:59

That sounded really desperate. Get over him. If he can dump her for you, who knows, he could do the same to you later, let's hope he won't send for next...

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foofi · 30/07/2009 16:04

I would try to keep it more light-hearted - that did sound rather melodramatic.

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MorrisZapp · 30/07/2009 16:11

If you're single then there's no harm in getting in touch, but don't expect miracles.

You dumped him because your friend thought he was a geek. This suggests you weren't very mature at the time and you've both no doubt changed a lot since then.

He's just a normal guy. Don't project fantasies onto him.

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HeartbrokenOverStupidity · 31/07/2009 12:30

Ok, i am going to meet up with hima and see how things go, he said he can't imagine them too lasting much longer because she doesn't let him see his friends

There is no way i would get involved whilst they were together though...

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foofi · 31/07/2009 12:44

Good luck! Let us know what happens.

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WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/07/2009 13:36

And if you believe that, you are deluding yourself. This is blatant hypocrisy. Some people here seem to think as long as YOU are single, it's okay to influence aomeone else's relationship. His DP is probably bloody right to be wary of his friends, if this is what he gets up to.

Please think of this poor other woman. You wouldn't like someone else declaring long-held feelings for your DP, so why would you do this to her? You're already falling into the OW trap of believing this woman is a nagging, controlling harridan!

If he wants to leave this woman, he can, but no relationship that starts this way is good. From the contact you have had already, it must be pretty obvious to him where you stand. Since you've already got yourself into a "lost love of my life" fantasy, do you really think you can meet him and nothing will happen? At the very least, you will both be expressing inappropriate yearnings.

And please, can we stop these double standards. If the man in this situation came on here saying he was planning to meet his old flame, he would be panned for being a bastard.

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MadreInglese · 31/07/2009 13:41

14??

FFS

get over it

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lucykate · 31/07/2009 13:42

you don't say how long ago this all was, when you first were together. just remember, at 14, he wasn't the person he is now, you've changed, he will have changed too. what you remember from the past is long gone.

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MadreInglese · 31/07/2009 13:45

At 14 I was into flowery Doc Martens and Body Shop Dewberry perfume

ie move on

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Xales · 31/07/2009 13:46

You say 'There is no way i would get involved whilst they were together though... '

You already are. You are discussing his relationship with him or allowing him to tell you how crap it is. If it was that crap he would have left before you arrived back on the scene.

Don't dress it up as you are any better becuase you love him, you are chasing him just as all the threads on this website from hurt partners/wives who tell us how their other half were chased.

If you have any self-respect, dignity or compassion for his current partner cut all contact and leave well alone.

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parsley3 · 31/07/2009 19:39

You will do what you want regardless of what we say here ,of course. This just reminds me of an ex bf of mine , we were 17 ,I cheated on him(he didn't know that) -no idea why ,I think I was too young and immature to appreciate what a lovely person he was - and then cruelly dumped him. I've always felt guilty about it and wished I'd had the opportunity to just say sorry and give him a big hug. BTW this was 23 years ago - so that makes me VERY "SAD" [GRIN][SAD]. ( sorry to hijack your post)

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parsley3 · 31/07/2009 19:41

oops! trouble with my emoticons there

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FabBakerGirlIsBack · 31/07/2009 19:43

Last year my first love from 14-21 got in touch and we had an email, text and phone relationship.

End result - my DH devastated, OM and me messed up and now I am full of a different kind of regrets,

You are single, he isn't so he needs to decide if he wants to go further as it doesn't sound like you could accept just being friends.

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KingCanuteIAm · 31/07/2009 19:52

If you were together for a short time at the age of 14 then you have no idea who or what he is now - just imagine anyone at the age of 14 then look at them as they are X years later.

WHat you miss and love is the idea of him, the thought of the way he could have been, the thought of the way you could have been.

But none of that is real, it is a fantasy, for all you know he grew up into a serial cheater or a wife beater - which is why he never married, you do not know this person.

It is no different to fantasising about a famous person - you know little bits about them but nothing about the real them. You wouldn't expect to actually have a relationship with [insert famous hunk of choice] and it to work out in the real world would you?

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