DH's anger

[lilypuss]

his is my fist time posting (long time lurker). I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with my dh.
Little background - we have 3 dc under 4.5y.I'm a SAHM now, DH hates his work and seems to be unhappy/angry a lot of the time.
Our youngest dc wakes early every morning (9mo) and I deal with her usually until the others wake up (7.30am). At the first hint of noise dh starts shouting (will they ever fing shut up etc, for fs sake, I never get any sleep etc). Our youngest is still waking 4 times/night for food so I am pretty wrecked too. I find it pretty hard to have to cope every morning to him swearing/ranting on top of everything.
Our dc are great really (from what others say) but as with all children they squabble sometimes and are rude.
This morning, after DH has been ranting around I heard him say to ds 'I'll smash your face in if you do that again' ds had made a face at DH - the same horrible face he sees DH make when he is in one of his rants I might add.
I was shocked, I can in to the kitchen and DH tried to change it to 'I'll slap you if I see you do that again'...
We have never slapped in our house - mainly because I'm afraid of DH's temper.
DH keeps going on about discipline and how our dc will not respond to anything else - he does, but of course their behaviour is difficult when DH is ranting everyday.
How can I deal with DH?
I'm really struggling here with his moods.
I can't keep all 3 children quiet all the time.
I usually try to take the kids out of his way for a while every weekend to give him a break but it's not enough obviously.

Sorry for the rambling post - I just don't know how to deal with this and I don't want DH to lay a finger on our dc.

[Supercherry]

Lilypus, is your DH open to any kind of discussion about his unreasonable and IMO, abusive behaviour?

Does your DH have a temper with everyone or is it just you and your DC's? I ask because I would suggest anger management for him but if he can control his anger with others then he is choosing not to with you which makes him more of an abusive partner than someone who is unable to control his temper.

Sending my sympathy- I know how emotionally draining and upsetting it can be to live with someone like this.

[Meglet]

He needs counselling. This is nothing to do with you or the dc's. His reaction to day to day life and a busy family is unaccepable. His language and behaviour will start to rub off on the dc's very soon .

Just because he hates his work that doesn't mean he can come home and treat you all like shit. He should be pleased to see his family, not bully you.

My ex p was verbally abusive and agressive. In the end I decided to end the relationship as he was never going to change, he wouldn't go to counselling, and would have made me and the dc's lives more miserable. What support do you have from family / friends.

[lilypuss]

thanks for replying Supercherry,

He generally can be angry with others too, in the car for example, but usually it's limited to us.
I have to listen to his ranting about everyone he deals with in work, his crap family etc as well.
He comes across as fairly normal to others (!) but he has done things like get very drunk and threaten to kill someone (work related and at a work do), afterwards he was mortified and apologised to the person.

I've been reading a lot of posts re abuse and I just don't want to think about it as being abuse - we have just got married a month ago (been together 20+ years). But I have that tiny sick feeling in my tummy sometimes when I think about it.

I'm not perfect either, I can get cross with the dc and start ranting too but I don't swear at them, or threaten to hurt them.

[lilypuss]

Sorry meglet - crossed posts.

I can't let my family know.
I want things to work for us.
I told him this morning that this was to do with him not me and that he needed help and to talk to someone but he just said that's my answer to everything (I've had depression for years, currently doing well for the last year or so - on meds).

We did try relationship counselling once during a very bad patch. He refuses to go again as he said nothing changed.
I will not go to couple counselling with him again either. He refused to see that some of his behaviour was unacceptable and everything was my fault of course.

[MuppetsMuggle]

By the sounds of it he needs counselling or anger management of some sort.

You need to sit down and have a discussion with him and tell him his attitude towards you and your DC is unacceptable. Your 'job' is far more demanding than your DHs as your job is 24hrs a day 365 days in a year. You are entitled to sleep just as much as him.

[SueMunch]

'I'll smash your face in if you do that again'

Sorry, but that is a truly frightening thing to say to a child.

Even in moments of extreme stress my DH would never dream of saying such a thing to his own son.

If children feel threatened at home, what chance have they got in the wider world.

[Alambil]

You don't deal with him - you lay it on the line

Sort it out, or go away.

he is abusing you; I bet he wouldn't tell a stranger's child that he would smash their face in in a park for instance, or scream at a baby crying in Tesco

he is choosing to abuse you all. He chooses and knows what he's doing full well.

I suggest you ring Women's Aid to discuss it all and see what can be done. Their number is 0808 2000 247

It takes a lot of courage but please tell your family - abuse only works when secrecy is upheld. Break the silence and get help

DO NOT go for counselling with him - it'll only serve to absolve him and blame you.

That is wrong. NONE of this is your fault.

[Alambil]

Sort it out, or go away.

that's meant to be in speech marks... what you should say to your h

[lilypuss]

It was so awful, I'm very distressed about this.
He doesn't seem to think that he was in the wrong.
How can I protect my dc from this? I was having a shower, I had brought our youngest into the bathroom with me as she was squealing and I knew DH wasn't coping (he had been shouting at her to shut up). I came downstairs and was feeding her in the other room when I heard this from the kitchen (he was giving them breakfast).

Dh has a habit of breaking things when he's angry, he just can't seem to control himself. I'm scared that this will spill over to our dc.

[unavailable]

Your priority should be your children's wellbeing. If you husband refuses to take any steps to help him deal with his anger problems, or see how abusive he is then you need to take steps to protect them.

Why do you say you cant tell your family? Stop protecting him. It is your children who should come first here.

[sincitylover]

You can't fix it because it's his problem.

By cloaking it in secrecy and wanting your relationship to work at all costs you are enabling him and that is not fair to your children.

Sorry if that sounds harsh - I know it seems unreal and you must feel as though can't be happening (had emotionally abusive exh) but that is a horrible atmosphere for you and esp your dcs.

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry to say this, but if you allow him to behave towards your children like this then you are complicit in his verbal abuse of them.

My worry would be that his behaviour will escalate as the children get older and start to be cheeky/answer back as all kids do, perhaps he will step it up to physical "punishment".

Protect your children.

[lilypuss]

Crossed-posts Lewisfan

I've realised now that his anger is not my fault. I was blaming myself for things not being perfect and upsetting him. But now I have stopped that (or am trying to stop that).

Our house is a mess most of the time, the kids are noisy, I am probably quite lazy, we do have a lot of stresses at the moment.

But it is still not right that he acts like this.

I just need to get through to him that he has to make changes (without him freaking out at me )

[Alambil]

You need to tell him that he sorts it out or ships out... if he does it ONE more time, that's it - it's over, you will not allow your children to be raised in an abusive house...

If he gets angry, call the police. They will respond rapidly to a domestic situation

The following are extracts from what Womens Aid deem Domestic Violence:

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening

Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.

Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

I'm very worried for you You really need to try to tell someone.... they can help you - you don't have to live like this and walk on eggshells lest his anger "get the better of him" (which is bullshit, cos he can control it - he controls it at work and with others.....)

[lilypuss]

Anyfucker - I told him to leave the room and I got the kids to the creche as quick as I could (the older dc).

I feel like I always have to be around (in the room) to stop things kicking off when he is like this (he can be great at other times).

I do feel guilty - no 4yo should be spoken to like that.

The last time (probably not the last time actually)we went through a patch like this I took the kids to my folks for a while, he ended up with pneumonia with stress, I had to take a month off work with depression.

We seem to go from one extreme to the other - happy families, then the stresses build up and he starts exploding every day.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

lilypuss,

Re your comment:-

"I just need to get through to him that he has to make changes (without him freaking out at me )".

But he won't make changes because he does not want to or is capable of doing so. You cannot also make him change his ways. As his wife as well you're the last person who can help him. You are in an abusive relationship, no-one benefits from being in such a relationship.

Why did you marry him a month ago?. The warning signs were doubtless apparant long before then. Perhaps you kept thinking that given time he would change.

You have a choice ultimately with regards this man - your children have no say at all.
If you stay with him you are by association complicit in all this. Who comes first now - him or your children?. Quite apart from anything else what are you both teaching your children about relationships here?. Damaging lessons are being imparted to them currently, lessons which they will use themselves when older.

This is all about power and control ultiamtely and he wants both over you and your children. He regards you all as possessions. Even abusive men like this have their "nice" moments but they soon revert to type and their true nature soon re-emerges. They follow a predictive cycle. If they were abusive the whole time no woman would want to go near them.

Consider this too. Longer term your children won't thank you for staying with such an individual; they will wonder why you put him first over them.

You are only responsible for your own self and your children. He is not your responsibility and you should not feel either guilty (guilt is a useless emotion) or feel a sense of responsibility towards him.

Do call Womens Aid; they can help you.

[Meglet]

lily you are not lazy. You have 3 dc's and a DH who is treating you all like crap. With the best will in the world no one would be able to keep on top of things with someone being aggressive to them all the time. He sounds like my ex p, who is still trying to give me crap after 6 months apart. The good thing is that me and the dc's don't have to live in the same house as him and can just get on with life in peace.

[lilypuss]

I feel like crap at the moment - shaky probably from drinking too much coffee

I phoned him, he just wanted to gloss over everything as usual.

I've told him that this can't happen again, that it is his problem and he needs to find some new coping stratagies.

I married him because we have 3 children together, I do love him (when he's not like this).
I also realise now that I was slightly manic after having our 3rd child and organised lots of things, including getting married. I'm seeing a psychiatrist and he was a bit concerned too when I told him I was getting married (he knows lots about our relationship).

Yes the warning signs were there all along. He has pushed/shoved me around a few times (say 5-6 in the last 10 years or so) and he has left bruises once.
He has damaged lots of things in our house with his rages (doors, windows etc).
In his defence, I used to be pretty tempestuous too- we had a 7 year gap in our relationship. I had depression and spent a year in therapy and realised that I wasn't helping myself with all the anger. I've managed to let it go - but he hadn't/hasn't.

My problem is that I thought it was mostly my fault that he gets angry (my family, my ex-boyfriend, my friend, my work, my lazyness, my carelessness).

I know I'm coming across as pathetic - nobody would know this goes on IRL. I am well-educated, intelligent and appear on top of things to others.

It was the 'walking on eggshells' comments that I have seen in other's posts that struck a nerve with me. It's a horrible feeling.

[HerBeatitude]

"How can I protect my dc from this?"

By keeping this man away from them and ensuring he's not in the house. If you have to ask the question about how your children can be protected from their father, then you know that father has got to go. Either that or stop being a threat to his children.

[unavailable]

Lily - you dont sound pathtic. You sound like someone desperately trying to make things work for your family, but you cant fix this on your own.

HerBeatitude is absolutely right - you can only protect your children by keeping them away from from him (as you have been trying to do by not leaving them alone in the same room with him.)

[GypsyMoth]

this was like reading about myself ten years ago. my ex was/is strikingly similiar.

kids get more challenging as they get older,his temper will increase,and so will his aggression......but then there is no need to say this is there? you already know where its heading......

call womens aid.

[GypsyMoth]

oh,and anger management/counselling,can't help men like this. no point pushing him in that direction.....sorry,but make that call.

[lilypuss]

I have to collect dc now

I will talk to him tonight about everything. I'm not letting this go this time.

I'm hoping that if he can talk to someone about his own issues that this might help.

I know I'm clutching at straws a bit, but I'm not ready to tell him to leave.

I feel I need to give him a chance to help himself.

He is a good dad lots of the time (I really know how stupid this looks with respect to the above - but I can't see things in such black and white terms yet).

[unavailable]

Best of luck Lily - I hope he comes to his senses. If not, I hope you are able to do what you need to protect your children.

[OhBling]

He probably thinks it's your fault too - and you've done nothing to change that opinion of his.

It's not the same, I know, but DH has had some anger issues. IMO, these are all directly the result of him not having any boundaries as a child and watching his parents' highly destructive relationship. He would try to blame me for his outburts, telling me I'd gone too far or whatever.

After a while (and not that long, I have to tell you - a year or two into our relationship), I told him that a) there was pretty much nothing that I ever did that justified this kind of response and that therefore be) if he didn't stop I was going to leave because I was not going to be subjected to this nor was I ever going to allow any child of mine to have to go through this.

he stopped. He thought about it and accepted that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he needed to take responsibility for it and then he went and got help with counselling. He doesn't do it any more and with his counsellor he has spent a lot of time exploring the patterns he learnt as a child, and why he thinks that losing his temper is the only way to get his way.

I don't know if your DH is more like mine or is just an abusive, controlling man who is not interested in being a better person than he is currently. But my point is that you don't have to put up with it - he needs to understand your boundaries and respect them or leave.