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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Should I call ILs or wait for them to call me?

24 replies

steaknife · 22/07/2009 09:48

Last week DH walked out after a huge row, some of which took part in-front of ILs.

I have not heard from them since.

They had DN visiting for the week and returned from taking him home yesterday, so I understand that they would have been busy. I also know they will be very upset and confused by the situation.

However I am now alone with DD living in a foreign country and with virtually no support system.

DD and I would usually spend an afternoon a week with them and we would also pass for the aperetif or lunch as a family at the weekend.

I know I ought to phone, not just because I behaved badly in-front of them but so that they can see DD and we can stay on good terms.

I suppose I just think they could have phoned or passed to see how I was or to offer to look after DD for a while. Or maybe they are too shocked and upset still.

Sigh. When did it all get so complicated?

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TwoHot · 22/07/2009 10:33

O dear, poor you. Its always worse when the inlaws see it. You can only control with your behaviour, and appologise if you feel thats the right thing for you to do. If they choose to behave badly, or unsupportingly, thats up to them and nothing you can do about it.

steaknife · 22/07/2009 10:38

Twohot - I am sure they will be charming, they are lovely people. I just cant stand the thought of their sad and confused faces.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 10:39

Maybe send them a note letting them know that you and dd would like to see them?

steaknife · 22/07/2009 10:45

yes not sure how much I want to see them, feel so ashamed and like I have let them down, but DD would like to see them and I could do with the break. She is going through a very squealy stage at the mo and lots of bumps as she has just started crawling.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 10:47

Could you let them know how you feel about it? Have you seen your dh since?

bigchris · 22/07/2009 10:49

maybe send a card if you can't face ringing?

steaknife · 22/07/2009 10:52

Just phoned MIL, they are having the baby this afternoon. She sounded like she didn't know what to say.

Yes DH has passed since, to spend time with DD, not sure what he has told them, probably as little as possible.

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steaknife · 22/07/2009 10:54

ILs been married forever and hardly ever had a cross word they find it very strange and upsetting that DH and I would argue.

All the more difficult as my French isn't really up to big discussions though I tried to talk to MIL about it the other week. Not that it helped much as things turned out.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 10:55

Hopefully you'll get a chance to speak to MIL about it this afternoon then.

steaknife · 22/07/2009 10:58

What on earth shall I say?

"Here's your DG, toys, nappies and food in the bag, enjoy her while you can she'll soon be living back in England. Oh and your DS is an arse - how on earth did you bring him up?"

Maybe not.

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steaknife · 22/07/2009 11:01

Right off to find something for lunch and my diplomacy hat.

Thanks for letting me whinge.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 18:53

How did it go?

steaknife · 22/07/2009 19:07

Thanks for asking.

It was awkward. I said "sorry for last Tuesday" she said something along the lines of "thanks for apologising but you should not bring your problems to my house and upset everyone"

Which is a fair point. That was about it. Not great but that painful first step taken and DD had a nice afternoon playing with her GPs.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 19:26

ouch! At least you've made the first move though.

steaknife · 22/07/2009 19:40

TBH I'm not 100 percent what she said, but the gist did make me want to whine "you're not my mum!"

Hopefully next time will be easier.

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cornsillk · 22/07/2009 19:43

Poor you! She sounds a bit more reasonable than my mum though - she will hear nothing against her sons, no matter what has happened it is always the fault of DIL.

steaknife · 22/07/2009 19:51

Oh no she knows her boys aren't perfect but of course they have only heard his side, or nothing at all from him. And the language thing is hard so lots gets left unsaid. I probably had a face like a grumpy teen too, so perhaps didn't invite friendly chat.

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HumphreyCobbler · 22/07/2009 19:54

Do they know that your dh has walked out on you? Have you heard from him at all?

Sorry about this, sounds like an intolerably stressful situation for you.

cornsillk · 22/07/2009 19:55

Well I think you're very brave to phone them and go round there - I'd have been too scared!

steaknife · 22/07/2009 20:01

HC - yes they know, not sure how much he has said though. When we had the row in-front of them, well it was the end of the row with me shouting "it's finished" in the heat of things I really was very impolite.

DH passed on to drop off some money on the Saturday (which I then lost before reaching the checkout at the supermarket) And again on Sunday to spend time with DD, passed to see her the other evening and was going to pass today as he said that he had some ideas about how things could be organised.

I have no idea what my rights and entitlements are and if it would be possible to live here without his income. But I am seeing a lawyer in a couple of weeks.
I am basically staying put and waiting to see what happens.

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steaknife · 22/07/2009 20:02

Cornsilk - there are times when not being able to talk very much with the ILs has its benefits. And they adore DD so much that we can just chat about that.

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steaknife · 22/07/2009 20:05

I mean her not that.

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jkklpu · 22/07/2009 20:08

What a horrible situation: I agree with others that you're very brave for making the first move. Hope you got a bit of a break.

You suggested that you were planning to take your lo to the UK soon. Make sure you check your rights with a lawyer before you do and go about it properly, so you don't end up in a hideous legal tussle. Imagine if this happened the other way around and your dh took her away from the UK without your consent.

steaknife · 22/07/2009 20:22

I am not going to take her out of country until things are sorted. Even if DH agreed now you never know how things change. I really don't want to make a decision now while I am still so upset that could have bad repercussions in the future.

In one way I would like us to stay here, we only moved to France in December and into our flat in April. We had been in Spain but lost our business to the recession.

So I really really do not want to have to up sticks all over again.
But the other side is that if I have to be a single mum I may as well do it where I can speak the language and have a better support system of my family and friends.

DH's family are wonderful, but they are just that his family.

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