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I'm English, living overseas. I'm married for 17 yrs and most of that has been pretty awful. I recently 'came clean' about my abusive relationship with dh on a parenting site where I live and I have had my eyes opened for the first time that maybe it's not all my fault anymore. I have blamed myself for everything that has 'gone wrong' in my marriage - although I have genuinly messsed up on more than one occasion.
I received a lot of support from people but didn't believe I was worthy of it. Then somebody suggested I google Narsissistic Personality Disorder and that is the moment my whole world changed. For the very fist time I began to see that maybe it wasn't ME that might have all the problems. I saw my 'perfect' dh described in black and white and the words 'personality disorder' were attached to his behaviours. To say the ground shifted from under me would be an understatement.
So now I find myself at a turning point in my life. I know I have to end my marriage. It's emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive. I now recognise that I am a shell of the person that I once was, have had the life blood drained out of me, but still have enough of a spark in me to want to fight for some peace of life at 42! I have 3 children whom I love and adore - but who also love their Daddy. I'm living financially independently from my dh who refused to support me financially after ds 2 was born 6 yrs ago. I want him out of the house and out of my life!
I've made my mind up, but I am still so weak when it comes to taking action. I have spent so long living in a confused and guilt-ridden state, does that make sense?
Is there anybody out there who has experience of living with a narsissistic partner? How do you make the break? How do you ever find the strength to stand up to them in order that you might have some quality of life left for yourself? Please advise.....
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Narsissistic personality disorder |
(810 Posts) |
As long as he has you. You just do what you can to maintain his stability - and your other childs too.
Violet, I don't think you should have lied. Your child trusts you. It's very confusing to be told that what you know to be true isn't true - these are the type of mindgames that Ns play. You did the right thing by making sure that your son knows he is loved by you at least. And, as therealme says, you can let him know that his father's behaviour is not his fault. It's painful for your son, but at least he knows he can rely on his mother's love. That's profoundly important.
I've been fascinated by you all discussing the 'child of gold' syndrome (for want of a better word)....
My 2 are 15 months apart, one is idolised by his D, the other, he once referred to as 'irritating' and has never really bonded with...
Recently the youngest said to me one night "I know that I'm your special boy and X is Daddy's". My heart broke and I didn't know what to say - I couldn't tell him that he was wrong cos he and I both knew it to be true even tho he's only 6. I just said "just know that I will always be here for you, are you ok with that"... we snuggled and he seemed fine....
but it isn't fine and it makes me so angry and sad for him.
I'd be interested to hear how you would have dealt with the situation. I beat myself up sometimes that I didn't handle it well - that I should have said "Of course Daddy loves you the same".... but I couldn't lie to him. But should I have?
My 2 are 15 months apart, one is idolised by his D, the other, he once referred to as 'irritating' and has never really bonded with...
Recently the youngest said to me one night "I know that I'm your special boy and X is Daddy's". My heart broke and I didn't know what to say - I couldn't tell him that he was wrong cos he and I both knew it to be true even tho he's only 6. I just said "just know that I will always be here for you, are you ok with that"... we snuggled and he seemed fine....
but it isn't fine and it makes me so angry and sad for him.
I'd be interested to hear how you would have dealt with the situation. I beat myself up sometimes that I didn't handle it well - that I should have said "Of course Daddy loves you the same".... but I couldn't lie to him. But should I have?
Hi therealme,
I'm glad you are hanging in there.
It occured to me that you might want to counsel your ds (and the others, as well) that his toxic dad doesn't represent how he should feel about men in general. (Sorry, getting this idea across is a little awkward.) Sometimes a youngster will take an experience with one person and transfer those feelings to that demographic group as a whole, iyswim.
If you ever come across a decent bloke, imho, it'd be good to point him out and explain why.
It might help to remind him that his having a toxic dad is just plain bad luck. Like it'd be bad luck for a child to be born in a war zone, for example, or born into poverty.
I'm glad you are hanging in there.
It occured to me that you might want to counsel your ds (and the others, as well) that his toxic dad doesn't represent how he should feel about men in general. (Sorry, getting this idea across is a little awkward.) Sometimes a youngster will take an experience with one person and transfer those feelings to that demographic group as a whole, iyswim.
If you ever come across a decent bloke, imho, it'd be good to point him out and explain why.
It might help to remind him that his having a toxic dad is just plain bad luck. Like it'd be bad luck for a child to be born in a war zone, for example, or born into poverty.
Nickname, I have just had to collect my ds, 11, early from an access visit to his Dad - for the second time. He is beginning to see through his father now. He didn't want to go the cinema this Sat with his Dad as he didn't like the film choice. His Dad reacted by making him feel guilty ("don't expect me to do anything that you want to do then...." etc) This is something I am very familiar with, if you say no, or don't want to go along with his plans, you are emotionally blackmailed and made to feel guilty.
All I can say is that, once your dd finds a voice, and a mind of her own, she may well start to experience her Dad's unreasonable behaviour for herself. You will be there to pick up the pieces, to let her know that she is not a bad person because she disagrees wih her Dad.
Tis bloody tough seeing the cycle repeated on your children. But also gratifying to know that you were right to disentangle yourself from this mess. It is a work in progress though.
All I can say is that, once your dd finds a voice, and a mind of her own, she may well start to experience her Dad's unreasonable behaviour for herself. You will be there to pick up the pieces, to let her know that she is not a bad person because she disagrees wih her Dad.
Tis bloody tough seeing the cycle repeated on your children. But also gratifying to know that you were right to disentangle yourself from this mess. It is a work in progress though.
Eek, Maggie, I'm scared of the label because I'm scared of the implications for his parenting of DD. He has loads of access and she is a definitely a child "dipped in gold" (brilliant phrase, silent!) But I'll just have to deal with things as they arise rather than give in to horrible imagainings.
Love the analogy of the holes in the wall - I haven't come across it and it's an excellent way of thinking about it. I could probably be used as a colander right now.
Love the analogy of the holes in the wall - I haven't come across it and it's an excellent way of thinking about it. I could probably be used as a colander right now.
nicknametaken, that is classic N behaviour, I think.
My x was the same. He would be so sociapathically nasty one minute, so nasty I couldn't believe that even in his red mist, he could possibly believe that he was in the right, that he was the good person and I was the bad one..... and then if he decided to click his fingers and the bad mood be 'all forgotten' and if I couldn't DO that, he would get mad all over again.
I tried to explain the holes in the fence analogy to him. You know the one that is used to explain to children why they shouldn't say nasty things to eachotehr!! I said, each insult is like a nail, and you can say sorry and you think that takes out the nail, but the hole is still there".
It didn't penetrate. He mocked me, and said I was reading too many magazines. Whenever I came out wiht anythignt that was irrefutable logic or reason, he'd sneer "ju read that in glamour?"
My x was the same. He would be so sociapathically nasty one minute, so nasty I couldn't believe that even in his red mist, he could possibly believe that he was in the right, that he was the good person and I was the bad one..... and then if he decided to click his fingers and the bad mood be 'all forgotten' and if I couldn't DO that, he would get mad all over again.
I tried to explain the holes in the fence analogy to him. You know the one that is used to explain to children why they shouldn't say nasty things to eachotehr!! I said, each insult is like a nail, and you can say sorry and you think that takes out the nail, but the hole is still there".
It didn't penetrate. He mocked me, and said I was reading too many magazines. Whenever I came out wiht anythignt that was irrefutable logic or reason, he'd sneer "ju read that in glamour?"
Glad to hear the party went well and that your x's relatives aren't rushing to take sides. That's really good news.
What you say about breaking the Mould; your MIL probably envies you a bit. Although envy not the same as jealousy. I think you can envy somebody and be happy for them. I bet she admires your strength. If she'd lived in a different time she could have done the same thing..
My xfil was an abusive controlling bully too and xmil told me so many horrible things that xfil did to her when they were together, and yet, seemingly, she doesn't believe a word of my 'whingeing bullshit'
.
Your x's family sound a lot nicer than he is!
What you say about breaking the Mould; your MIL probably envies you a bit. Although envy not the same as jealousy. I think you can envy somebody and be happy for them. I bet she admires your strength. If she'd lived in a different time she could have done the same thing..
My xfil was an abusive controlling bully too and xmil told me so many horrible things that xfil did to her when they were together, and yet, seemingly, she doesn't believe a word of my 'whingeing bullshit'
. Your x's family sound a lot nicer than he is!
I can relate strongly to the Gaslighting things, and the way that these people either demonise or dip children in gold. I was thoroughly demonised, and found myself worthless and unlovable. It has taken my whole adult life to separate myself from the mess and to understand that it was not of my doing. Another brother took my place to be the family dustbin, and another brother was the Golden One. It is a bloody mess. To say that Ns destroy lives is to put it mildy!
I admire all you women who have escaped the clutches of these horrible men. You have done both yourselves and your children the greatest chances.
It is no fun growing up unable to love and believing that you are evil.
I admire all you women who have escaped the clutches of these horrible men. You have done both yourselves and your children the greatest chances.
It is no fun growing up unable to love and believing that you are evil.
Hi therealme, I'm happy you had a great night with your inlaws - attagirl!
I'm still not really sure whether to call my ex an N - I suppose the label doesn't really matter. But so much of what you all describe here is familiar. Oh, the instant gratification of buying himself whatever he wanted, regardless of our finances. We had set aside some money to pay off his credit card debts, but he used some of it to buy a bike and a keyboard for himself, and I used some to pay our council tax and for a trip we were both taking. Oh, the ranting and raving at me because there was less left for his credit card debts!
As for the food thing - last Valentine's day, we were in a hotel and I was sinking my teeth into a sausage (hello, Mr Freud!) when he said with great intensity "I hate you". And then he was angry at me for crying in public and making him look bad. So often he would be vicious to me in private and then be affectionate in public and furious because I couldn't suddenly switch off the upset and act happy.
Trivial anecdotes - he's obviously done a lot worse, things that I'm sorry my DD was exposed to. You do have to go over and over this stuff as part of the healing process - you re-evaluate everything. It's quite an eye-opener, when see how skewed your sense of normality was. And by "you" I mean me...
I'm still not really sure whether to call my ex an N - I suppose the label doesn't really matter. But so much of what you all describe here is familiar. Oh, the instant gratification of buying himself whatever he wanted, regardless of our finances. We had set aside some money to pay off his credit card debts, but he used some of it to buy a bike and a keyboard for himself, and I used some to pay our council tax and for a trip we were both taking. Oh, the ranting and raving at me because there was less left for his credit card debts!
As for the food thing - last Valentine's day, we were in a hotel and I was sinking my teeth into a sausage (hello, Mr Freud!) when he said with great intensity "I hate you". And then he was angry at me for crying in public and making him look bad. So often he would be vicious to me in private and then be affectionate in public and furious because I couldn't suddenly switch off the upset and act happy.
Trivial anecdotes - he's obviously done a lot worse, things that I'm sorry my DD was exposed to. You do have to go over and over this stuff as part of the healing process - you re-evaluate everything. It's quite an eye-opener, when see how skewed your sense of normality was. And by "you" I mean me...
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