I feel I am at a crossroads. Part of me wants out, the other part thinks I am being self-indulgent and expecting too much. How can I know whether my expectations are too high or I am acting as a doormat?
we've been together years, YEARS. 17? something like that. Married 8. Two kids. He wasn't too keen on the marrying or the kids bits but is pleased he has the kids now. He is a good if fairly stressy dad. He does his bit, well, what I tell/remind him to at least. He is nice, attractive, amusing.
He is also cynical, fairly negative in outlook, a heavy drinker (my view), a bit of a stick in the mud.
Over the years my attitudes and expectations have been hugely changed. We rarely have sex anymore and when we do he instigates it. I used to but gave up after years of being rebuffed (due to tiredness, stress, too much to drink etc etc etc). I would like to have more sex. I don't feel he is really attracted to me. We don't touch much. There will be a perfunctory kiss morning and evening if he does it but I don't bother anymore. Not sure why. Probably cos it is just that, totally perfunctory. There are no hugs or rubs etc as I have stopped bothering. He has never been very tactile but I seem to have given up now too. I reserve all my physical love and effection for the kids it seems.
We rarely go anywhere much as his idea of a weekend is a trip to the local park, maybe the pub. We do go on hols but most recent one was skiing where he went off on his own mostly while I minded kids and he minded kids while I skiied with my sis. I actually preferred to ski with her as the thought of doing it with him filled me with dread (he would be complaining so much - blamed me last year for all his falls as he was spending so much time watching out for me apparantly )
We are broke now so summer holiday will be local. Am fairly much dreading it, tho will be great to spend time with kids.
We did go for relationship counselling last year but it didn't really get us anywhere. In teh end counsellor let us go saying I needed to decide what I wanted. We didn't feel she really helped us much. He is very intellectal/cerebral and managed the sessions well. Poor woman may not even have known he was doing it. I mentioned it to her once or twice in our single sessions but not sure what she could do.
I am now having counselling on my own and waiting some pscychdynamic stuff later in the year.
I've been on anti-Ds for two years now since had a pretty unpleasant (nervous breakdown?) bout of depression.
So something isn't right.
I've told him I would like to have a chat with him next week aboyt "US". Part of me feels inclined to suggest we go our separate ways. But there are two kids involved. And it will be shit financially.
How do I go abut getting my head together and working out whether I have my head in the clouds and just expect too much or whether my expectations have been ground down so I don't know what's what anymore....
anyone got any words of wisdom?
(not going to read over as if I do I may not post, so apols for any typo/grammar errors)
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Relationships
marriage: when does just about ok become not good enough? (long - sorry)
13 replies
regularlyoverwhelmed · 16/07/2009 13:52
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