I don't think i can be friends with her anymore

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

A reasonably good friend of mine told me something yesterday that's upset me so much, i don't think i can be friends with her anymore. She's been married for a couple of years, and has an 18mth old child. She told me yesterday that she's 'seeing' someone else on the side.

She told me she had something to tell me but it was a big secret and i'd probably be cross with her. Then she was so excited telling how she's been meeting someone else, i think that's part of what's made it so terrible. She claims she hasn't slept with him (yet), so i told her that she has a chance now to put a stop to it before it goes too far.

I tried to not be too judgemental, i reminded her that if she continues with this she has to accept she could end up divorced and on her own with the baby, or fighting over custody, or having to explain when her child is older why they split up. The more i've thought about it since though, i am getting more judgemental, and bloody angry tbh.

I'm not naive enough to think that relationships are black and white, but she hasn't even given her DH the chance to put things right in what she says is a 'boring' relationship. She's also jealous of the women her DH works with (he is absolutely not doing anything untoward- she's paranoid and jealous over the very fact they together) and this seems almost to get back at him over nothing. He's a nice guy, and i told her the least she could do is go home and say 'I'm not happy, i'm so unhappy i feel like straying. What can we do about this?' but she hasn't and won't.

What made this really ironic is that when we met to talk, i had a 'secret' to tell her- someone at work propositioned me about having an affair with them but i'd knocked them back.

I'm just having a rant really. She's quite difficult to get on with at times, but it's usually other people who have trouble with her being a bit tempremental etc, we've always got on ok. I don't feel like i want to bother with anymore though. I wish she hadn't told me.

If her DH was a shit, or she'd told him she was bored and he'd ignored her, then i think i'd feel a bit differently. What she's doing just feels all wrong though.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

sorry, should say 'over the very fact her DH and other women work together'

[littleboyblue]

What she's doing is wrong, there no doubt about that, but she is a grown woman, capable of making her own decisions, silly ones it would seem, but that's down to her really.

If it was my friend, I might tell her that I didn't want to know and that I felt she was putting me in a awkward position, especially if I was on friendly terms with her dh, but other than that, it's not really anyone elses business what she does. Ok it will have devastating effects on her family and his, but that's her chance to take, nt yours.
She has turned to you because she thinks you are her friend.

[tribpot]

She sounds dreadful, to be honest. If she was confiding in you because she was feeling guilty / tortured about her behaviour it would be difficult but she almost sounds like she just wants to boast about it? What kind of person does that?

Can you withdraw from the friendship gracefully? Not return a few phone calls, that kind of thing?

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I would refuse to cover for her.

Don't want to hear about it.

But yoiu have to decide if you want to pick up the pieces if and when her husband finds out.

[flamingobingo]

How long have you been friends? I don't know how I'd feel in this situation, although I know a few of my dad's closest friends stopped being friends with him when he walked out on my mum - they just couldn't condone what he'd done (far worse than just walking out, btw). I respect those friends a lot.

I think I'd wait to see what she ends up doing - maybe she thinks it's completely acceptable but you've made her think twice? And if so, then she'll need you as a friend to help her end it etc. If not, then I think I'd probably let the friendship fizzle out, and only tell her why if she asked, like 'I'm sorry, I feel so strongly about fidelity that I just find it really difficult being with you when I know you're having an affair'.

Would you tell her DH do you think? I think that's the hardest dilemma I'd have in your situation!

[HappyWoman]

i dont think i could have friends like that either. I could support and have in the past helped friends when their marriage is not going well. But i would not be any part of an affair.

If your moral are high then you must stick to them and tell your friend that you dont want to know and will not cover for her.

Tell her you will support her but not in this.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

I don't think i could tell her DH.

We work together, so are 'work buddies' if you get me. I can't avoid her at work, but i can easily avoid her outside of work.

The only thing that stopped me walking away from her yesterday was that she says she hasn't slept with him. It was so annoying how she was saying it was so exciting. I did point out that her DH was exciting once, and this other guy would be old news at some point.

Personally i think she married too young / soon, but she made the choice. She could at least give her DH the chance to put right whatever she feels is wrong.

I think if she brings this up again i will have to ask her to not discuss it with me again.

[pellmell]

I have had this happen to me a few times. I presume she knows you are a trustworthy person who won't blab.
Maybe you could bring yourself to say the following
"One of the effects of telling others your dirty secret when you have no conscience is that the people you tell (if they are like me)feel guilty for even knowing!"

[oregonianabroad]

I have had this with a friend I've known for years. Knowing did damage our friendship, especially as I now know her to be a dishonest person in her most intimate relationship, so I can therefore assume she has been or will be dishonest with me.

It sucks. I have distanced myself from her and made it clear that I am not interested in that particular topic by withdrawing completely whenever she brings it up -- I just don't respond until she changes the subject.

I feel for you.

[squeaver]

She is completely caught up in what she thinks is the "excitement" of her situation. She is not thinking straight (proof: she thinks other people will be as excited as she is about what's going on).

The big question for you is: how close a friend is she? Is she important enough to you that you'll be there to pick up the pieces when this goes horribly wrong (as it will)? If that's the case you have to tell her, "I think what you're doing is wrong, but I'm your friend and I care about you. Let's not talk about this any more but I am here for you and will be here for you."

But it sounds like you're not that close to her so you could be harsher, but that will be the end of your friendship.

Do not tell her dh - the last thing you need is to get more embroiled in the mess.

Btw, I bet she's lying when she says she hasn't slept with him. She only said that because she realised you disapproved.

Is the other man married too? And what was her response when you told her what the consequences could be?

[FabulousBakerGirl]

oregonianabroad I just had a nosey look at your profile. How do you manage having a son of 2004 years old??

[oregonianabroad]

I don't know how to change that, fabulous. ds1 is 4 and ds2 is 2, if you're interested.

The excitement sounds like low self-esteem to me. She is getting affirmation from the attention. Too bad it is the life-chainging kind.

[oregonianabroad]

[PM73]

I feel for you,what a horrible situation to be in.

If you still want to be friends with her i would tell her that i didnt want to know anymore about her affair.

She may well sit back & think it through carefully after telling you about it & realised the effects if she were found out.

If one of my friends had put me in this situation i would make sure she knew how i felt & if she tried to talk about it to me i would say i dont want to know.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

pellmell- yes you're right. I am trustworthy with secrets etc, but it's backfired on me this time hasn't it? I wish she hadn't told me. I have told my DH (who doesn't know her DH) because i had to tell someone, but i know he wouldn't utter a word. DH saw her briefly when he picked me up from work the other day, and he commented last night 'perhaps that's why she was so happy and over excited when i saw her' I also noticed she's been dressing up a bit more over the last few weeks.

And i'm not sure i believe nothing has happened either.

God she's a silly sod.

[PM73]

If your dh has noticed her dressing up more than usual lately then you can bet her own dh has noticed.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

well it was me who noticed the skirts etc, but yes, i'm probably not the only one.

and i can't help her pick up the pieces. I can just imagine how it'll all go tits up but it'll all be her DHs fault. She often tells me how she's had a row with her DH and when she tells me i can't believe how unreasonable she is being. Everything is his fault, even when it's clearly hers she'll turn it on him.

She's on her own with this one i'm afraid. She found it hysterical that i was telling her i'd turned someone down at work, but she was telling me something so opposite. I just found it quite sad.

[squeaver]

She's thriving on the drama. Clearly she likes being the centre of attention and here she is starring in a movie of her own making.

All very sad

[dollius]

Something like this happened to me. An old friend had started seeing a new bloke and confessed that it was a bit tricky because he was married.

I asked if he had kids and she said "sort of", which translated into his wife being eight months pregnant.

I was really shocked, and I just couldn't see her after that because I just didn't know what to say to her.

Of course I have been painted as judgemental in intolerant - but we all have our limits and that was mine. I couldn't see us going out for drinks etc after that (this was before I had kids)as if it didn't matter.

She ended up marrying him, so maybe it was the right move for them, but I still think they could have waited until the baby was born and a bit older, at least.

[oregonianabroad]

Have you let her know that you don't approve? You could say something like, 'you know I care about you and I support your choices, but this is just something I can't get my head around as it could be so destructive' -- then it doesn't sound too judgy.

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

I suggest you just distance yourself - it doesn't sound like you like her much anyway. Don't do anything like telling her H though, it isn';t actually any of your business.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

i think you're right solidgold- previous to this her personality etc was more amusing than anything, because i wasn't affected by her behaviour, but now i am and i don't really like her much.

And i couldn't tell her DH, even if i wanted to. I can't imagine how awful a conversation that would be.

ah well.

[GoodGrrrlGoneBad]

well she knew before she told me i wouldn't like it. she said before she told me she expected me to tell her off. and i didn't congratulate her- i warned of all the things that may go wrong and told her she's got a chance to stop it. I also suggested she go home and talk to her DH about how she feels.

Maybe she won't bother telling me any more about. I certainly won't ask.

[PM73]

I would leave her get on with it,she sounds a bit like a drama queen revelling in her own soap opera

[squeaver]

Agree. You've done exactly the right thing, now leave her to it.