Sex problem TMI sorry

[Worriedunfortunately]

Have been with DP for nearly 3 years. TMI alert - sorry but need to say certain things to explain problem!

It seems that he thinks me having an orgasm is an 'optional extra'. I would say 75% of the time I don't, he does 100% of the time.

He (we) seems to have got stuck in a rut. Its kissing for 5 minutes then straight into touching me down there. It usually then hurts a bit as hes quite rough and also I think I'm just not 'ready' (sorry). Anyway, after that for a bit its onto the intercourse! Don't know whether I'm weird or not but I can't come from purely sex.

We've spoken about it and tried different things, but if he touches me when we're having sex it doesnt work because he comes in a about 3 minutes and it would take me longer than that to get anywhere! He will give me oral sex from which I can orgasm but its still such a routine, kissing then down there then sex and orgasming that way seems very disjointed from the rest of the experience.

Last night we had a massive row, I'd asked him to touch me while we were having sex but he didnt. He said afterwards he hadnt know what I meant. He said he thought that if he 'lasted longer' then I'd have a good time too, I said 'Not if you're not touching me at all!!'. Now we're not speaking, I feel frustrated and angry. Hes not an inexperienced man, hes 36 and has had several long term relationships. I feel like a total failure, does everyone else come from just intercourse?

Sorry for the TMI, didnt know how to explain without it.

[plimple]

I think it's normal. Some people can orgasm, others need clitoral stimulation. I do. Can you do that bit while riding/from behind?

[bristols]

No, I can't come just from intercourse. Thankfully, I have a very considerate DH who understands. Have you tried touching yourself whilst having intercourse? Works for us!

I'm sure someone else will be along with some words of wisdom to get you talking again. Not really my specialism!

[lostinthecitylover]

I couldn't in three minutes but could if it went on for longer.

[Overmydeadbody]

Yopu are not a total failure. And everyone else does not come from intercourse alone. Many many women can't come from intercourse alone, incluing me.

You should be orgasming 100% of the time, it is bang out of order that your DP thinks that is an optional extra!!

You need a rank open talk with him. And then, just do what I o, and make yourself come while he's 'doing it'. If he's not touching you, then touch yourself, show him how it's done.

[Overmydeadbody]

oh god no, don't have a rank talk with him, have a frank one.

[FigmentOfYourImagination]

Lots of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.

Can you not stimulate yourself whilst he is on the job, so to speak ?

You need to tell him what you want/need. Can you not tell him harder/softer/up a bit/down a bit/not yet when he's actually trying it.

TBH, he sounds like he is a bit crap in the sack, BUT that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. How can he know what you like if you won't tell him or show him ?

If his hand ventures downstairs before you are ready then gently bring it back up/around to where you want to be touched.

I don't think you are a failure, I just think the 2 of you need to learn what the other needs/wants from sex.

Has the sex always been a disappointment ?

[Overmydeadbody]

How about saying (nicely) that he can't go on oto intercourse until you've come.

I'm surprised at his attitude though, like he doesn't really care about whether you are enjoying yourself or not. Makes it sound like he's just using you or you're providing him with a service.

[FigmentOfYourImagination]

Just because someone is 36 and has had relationships before doesn't guarantee they are red hot in the sack

[FigmentOfYourImagination]

I wouldn't say that you need to be orgasming 100% of the time. I don't everytime but that doesn't mean I haven't enjoyed the experience, IYSWIM. However, I do think that a 25% hit rate is way too low.

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

Sounds like maybe he is feeling a little embarrased at not lasting long and not satisfying you and its coming across in temper?!

I am extremely blessed and can orgasm really quickly through penetration or foreplay - phew!

You need to be gentle and try to not use negatives when talking to him, rather than 'i don't like x,y,z' you could say 'it felt really nice when you did x,y,z, could you do that more?'

A lot of people get off on watching thier partner masturbate, could you do it in front of him so he can see what you like?

[Worriedunfortunately]

Thanks for all your replies, I just took 5 mins out to have another row with him. Argh.

I've tried asking him whether hes selfish, lazy or what and why he gets to come each time yet I dont. He says he can learn and wants me to enjoy myself, thing is if that were the case why is this conversation only happening because I finally lost it? If it were him not orgasming I would have mentioned it a long time ago to see what I /we were doing wrong and what could be done to fix it.

I think hes selfish and sexist in this regard.

He says he really cares and wants to get it right, but I'm bloody so angry at the moment. I'm first semester PG and seem to have developed utter rage syndrome.

The thing is I dont want to sleep with him now because it feels like the bits he would be doing would only be because of our row and therefore I would feel it was like a chore to him. Theres no way I could come if I felt like this.

[whomovedmychocolate]

Do you know how to pleasure yourself? If not pop down to Ann Summers and ask for some tips and toys! (Seriously).

Secondly he sounds like he's just got no bloody clue what to do or how womens' bodies work (he wouldn't be the first bloke in this predicament).

I would suggest you work on the sandwich approach in explaining and talk him through it 'I love it that you do X, I'd like you to do Y, I love it when you do Z' that way it's not an attack on his technique (I know it's not but he's a bloke and thus a precious flower who will sulk if you give it to him straight).

Alternatively why don't you tie him to the bed and show him what you'd like him to do (not promising he'll be up to much afterwards if he is stuck on rapid fire though)

[hurtwithjealousy3]

i have the same problem wu. My dp kisses me for about 5 mins and then he is straight in there which can be quite sore sometimes. I like a bit of foreplay to get me in the mood and i have never came just by intercourse in fact the only time i come is when i use a vibrator or on occasion oral. dh hates me using vibrator as i think he feels inadequate as he hasnt made me come but doesnt worry himself when he comes and i havent and i just feel like ffs finish me off but most of the time it just doesnt happen. dont know when the last time was i had an organism

[whomovedmychocolate]

Ah, you are pregnant....

Yeah homicidal rage is v common

[Worriedunfortunately]

Titsalina - So screaming 'You're shit in bed, I hate you and want you to die', wasn't perhaps the best way to handle it then?? Oops.

Unfortunately I've turned into a screaming banshee over the last 2 weeks and am incapable of pulling any punches.

I could perhaps 'diy' during, its just at the moment we never get to the stage where I'm even slightly 'warmed up' so think it would take too long. I think I've got into the habit of just trying to get it over and done with because I know Im not going to get anywhere, and hes just thought 'oh ok, she obviously doesnt mind then'.

What a mess.

[TitsalinaBumsquash]

ROFL

[whomovedmychocolate]

Strap on clitoral vibrator preferably with glowing lights and a sign saying 'for future reference, it's here dimwit' perhaps?

[Worriedunfortunately]

Hurtwithjealousy - I am feeling your pain. Last night I was enraged because I was really in the mood and I actually thought I was going to have a nice time, then when he didnt touch me during the intercourse I was SOOOOO mad. It was a hundred times worse than if we'd never done anything at all.

What is it with these 18th century men?? argh

[FanjolinaJolie]

Could you possibly give him more pointers while on the job, whisper in his ear/sexy talk and take his hand and guide him where to touch you. If he is being a bit rough, why not introduce some lubricant to reduce the friction.

There is nothing to stop you taking matters 'into your own hands'. I did read somewhere that a womans orgasm is (mostly) her own responsibility, you need to take it for yourself. Can ypu stimulate yourself during sex? Do you feel comfortable doing that? (It doesn't mean he's failing you) Why not try a position where he's behind you and you are free to touch yourself.

I have never climaxed at all by penetration alone BTW.

[Overmydeadbody]

oh dear. Sounds like the two of you need to start over, kiss and make up, as it where.

How about you play a game with him? Give him a few drinks to relax him (if you weren't preggers you could have some too), then both of you slip on blindfolds, completely naked, and only rule is to pleasure the other person, with no penetation allowed. You could rediscover ech other's eroginous zones.

[YanknCock]

It's very very very common for women to need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm--in fact, that is the NORM!

Most men don't realise this I think. I only learned that fact from a sex advice column when I was in my late 20s!

It can be difficult to explain to men, as they are led to believe that a massive cock is all a woman needs to be satisfied. When they find out that's not the case, they can feel a bit bewildered. Especially if no one has every said anything before (lots of women would rather fake it than make an issue of it, particularly when they are young).

Anyway, you're not alone in needing more stimulation, and it doesn't make you a failure.

[hurtwithjealousy3]

are these men just so selfish and all they really care and want is themselves coming?? I thought i couldnt organism as i am on anti depressants but i can organism with a vibrator although does take a while. I feel the same sometimes like just lets get it over and done with cause im not really getting anything outta it myself.

[Worriedunfortunately]

Fanjo (love the name), I think the problem is that while I would have no problem 'sorting myself out' while we were having sex, it takes time and he usually comes very quickly, so I'd get half way through then that would be that.

I prefer not to bother at all rather than getting partially there and then stopping which just drives me mad.

Also I think I may have high expectations, my ex loved nothing more than making me orgasm, would sometimes make me have 10 orgasms a day, he was more interested in me enjoying myself than him (although he liked that too!). And, we would often do it more than once a night, with my DP it seems like this is something he doesnt even understand can happen, once we've had sex, thats that thank you

Also, when he has given me orgasms hes only ever given me one. I just find this strange. I've tried saying things to him (gently) but he doesnt take the hint.

By the way, is it normal to feel total rage and also feel sexy at 6 weeks?? I'm shocking myself

[Worriedunfortunately]

YanknCock - I think you're right, I truly think hes bewildered. He seems to think if you have a large penis and shove it up for long enough the woman will love it.

Seemed totally perplexed when I wanted him to touch me. But what I can't understand is how hes managed to have 3 long term (over 3 years each) relationships, without any of them saying anything. Either they didnt like sex, or they could come without extra stimulation or , i dont know or what but I wish they'd trained him better for me!!

[BCNS]

sounds like he needs to learn to last a bit longer..(have a google.. sorry would link for you but I'm not on my usual system here.. and i'm all out of sorts)... also get a blind fold and get him to touch you all over in different ways and different touches.. if he comes he comes.. but this time should be about you and what you like.

and aparently recieting all of the football stadiums or the like in his head will slow him down a bit. HTH