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Relationships

hurt of p ex girlfriend sorry bit long!!!

20 replies

hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 17:38

This may sound somewhat silly and childish to some and i dont know why this has hurt and upset me so much. my dp have been on again off again for a while and while i was pregnant i because increasing insecure about myself and lost my confidence. I have slowly regained some confidence back (as i suffer from pnd and am talking medication) during the pregnancy i would quiz my dp about his ex and why he didnt want to be with her. He said he just didnt and has never wanted to be with anyone as much as me. Well i seem to have become absolutely obsessed with her I wanted to know what she looked like and i was torturing myself thinking of the 2 of them together. She has a facebook and there isnt a day that goes by that i wanted to look at it to see what she was up to and to see photos of her. I wouldnt mind but she isnt even the greatest looking and i know myself without sounding big headed that im far better looking but there is just something i cant get outta my head and torturing myself with. Well his db lives next door to her and we called to see his db the other day and we where standing outside and dp looked straight up and stared up at her bedroom window. It was like sticking a knife through my heart We had a major arguement on the way home as i thought it was really disrespectful of him to do that but he said he was only looking at the house and is he not allowed to look now? I said how would you like it if we drove past my exp house and i stared up at his bedroom window and he said it wouldnt bother him!!! he says he wants nothing to do with her but i just wouldnt listen i was so jealous and angry and hurt that he did it. We have not talked from it and are meant to be going to relate on wed but dont know if i even wanna go with him now. Am i being silly?? Why is this hurting so much?? I feel like a silly school kid Obviously other problems in the relationship too and thats why going to relate

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CoteDAzur · 18/05/2009 17:46

You are being silly. She is the EX and you are the NEW girlfriend. There is surely a reason why he is with you and not her.

Sorry but this kind of stifling jealousy is a sure fire way to lose a man. Or a woman, really.

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HolyGuacamole · 18/05/2009 17:53

OK, don't take this the wrong way. I think you took it too far with the ex's bedroom window thing. This might sound silly, but if he looked at her kitchen window, would that have been any different? Or do you have visions of him wondering about her bedroom etc etc? What I mean, is it going too far in your head?

I can give you an example of this. One of my very good friends used to be an exceptionally jealous person when it came to relationships. She wouldn't let her ex go skiing alone with his father.....get this.....incase he met someone on the slope and went behind a bush for a shag with some random stranger! Seriously! Lets remember we're talking about minus ten degrees and a ski slope that's almost as busy as Oxford Street on a Saturday afternoon. However, in her mind, no matter how many times anyone told her she was being mental, it was very real and possible. She needed 100% control.

You do know this ex thing could well ruin what you have with him. He is with you! And yes, the jealousy with my friend ended the relationship (the guy was an arse TBH but that's not the point).

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 18:01

I really dont want to feel or be this way and im not making excuses but i didnt have a very good upbringing which makes me insecure as a person and now its coming out in this relationship. It doesnt help too that he has told me he has been with loads of girls and it makes me paranoid whenever we are out somewhere as there have been some of his ex's there and i just imagine them being together and it hurts me and i cant make it stop. It was just the way he stared straight up at her bedroom and then obviously my imagination ran away with me and i started thinking all sorts.

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AnnasBananas · 18/05/2009 18:11

You need to get a grip. Lose the jealousy. He's with YOU, not her. If you go on and on about her, you'll drive him mad and your relationship will suffer.

Address the actual issues the two of you have at Relate and don't invent any more.

Perhaps have some counselling on your own to deal with your own insecurities.

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HolyGuacamole · 18/05/2009 18:12

For you it is very real and it is good that you are going to seek help and sort it all out. You can't let the past cloud all of your life, sometimes you have to leave it behind you and take leaps into the unknown with trust.

Also, by coming on here and talking, you are making headway into fixing the problem. It is not the end of the world and with a lot of determination, you can fix this, you really can.

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 18/05/2009 18:14

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 18:15

thanks hg but just dont know how to I have been hurt so much in the past with exh and my family that i find i cant trust anyone

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 18/05/2009 18:15

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HolyGuacamole · 18/05/2009 18:20

Only you can fix it and by doing so, you are making yourself a better person, giving your children a great example and making a happier life for yourself. However you choose to fix it, that should be your motivation.

Reality is right, the other problems you both are having will probably have some bearing on what is going on in the relationship as a whole?

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 18:21

I cant really say as i have named changed so dont want people to know but he is controlling and twists things around as if everything wrong in our relationship is my fault but i dont stand for it and thats why we have so many arguements. When i first started a thread with my issues about this relationship every mns advice was to stay well clear of him but i have ds with him and want a family and to be happy as i never had that as a child

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RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 18/05/2009 18:30

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 18:35

FFS get away from him now and work on building up your self-esteem so that you understand there is so much more to life than desperately clinging on to a couple-relationship with a tosser who isn't that bothered about you and ISN'T WORTH HAVING.
'Family@ for those who are without biorelations or whose biolrelations are too nasty to be tolerated, can be made up of any people you are close to, like and trust. WOrk on making a family out of yourself and your children, buld a support network of friends who treat you with kindness and care, and forget about couplehood till you have some self-respect and are happy in yourself, because otherwise you will just go from one dickweed to another. Until you can fully accept that relationships do not fix you, that men don't have magic powers which mean that even a rubbish one is better than none at all, and that it's far, far nicer to be single than with a dull or stupid or unpleasant man, you are best of single anyway.

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macdoodle · 18/05/2009 18:40

How old are you?? because you are coming across as very immature?? Do you have a child togethr??

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 18:43

yes we do have a ds together and believe it or not i am in my mid 30's!!!! and thats why i said i feel like a silly school child!

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HolyGuacamole · 18/05/2009 18:45

Agree with Reality and Solid. It looks like your reason for being insecure is you present and not your past.

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 19:34

i was insecure when i was in my marriage too at the start. I wasnt really at the start of this relationship but as soon as i got pregnant thats when most of it started. I felt ugly and down and he wanted out with his friends alot of the time and i felt i was stuck in the house with no where to go. I know he is a gorgeous guy so he will get alot of attention from women but again it boils down to trust.

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solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 20:24

Look, if you are this insecure, only you can fix yourself. It undoubtedly doesn't help if your partner is a bully who is not interested in reassuring you, but people who are deeply insecure find it hard to trust nice men, too. WHich is why very insecure people should not actually engage in relationships until they have sorted themselves out a bit.
But it does sound like the first step wold be to dump this bloke: check out your legal position WRT housing, maintenance, finances etc.

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Worriedunfortunately · 18/05/2009 20:47

Hurtwith, I had depression when pregant with my DD and bad PND. There may be issues in your relationship but I think, as others have said, you need to concentrate on you at the moment.

I would recomend counselling and also (and sorry if this is controversial) but tablets if the dr advises. I think once you get yourself well you will be in a better place to evaluate the relationship.

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hurtwithjealousy3 · 18/05/2009 21:06

thanks wu i am on tablets at the minute and a high doss at that but i get no sympathy from dp as he thinks depression is all in the head!!!! i would love for him to feel what it feels like for one day and im sure it would change his mind! I actually told him that he makes me more down with his moodiness. I finished it with him months ago and he has begged and pleaded and said all the right things and that he would go to relate to help sort our issues out. We still havent moved back in together so we have been apart for quite a while now. he just left ds home there and left him on the doorstep although i was in the hall without saying one word to me. so i guess im going to relate on my own (which will probably do me the world of good anyways)

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sparkybabe · 19/05/2009 19:45

hurt3 - agree that relate or some other form of counselling would help you no end. I notice you feel (more) insecure becaus he is a good-looking guy - would it make you feel better if he wasn't desirable to other women (plug, in other words)? Becuase that would reflect on you too.

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