some foreplay issues (sorry if it's a bit early for this type of discussion)

[BedProb]

dh and i have been together many years.
we've always had a great sex life, not as frequent as i'd like sometimes but dh is great in bed (sorry if sounds like bragging but want to give you whole picture) always resulting in orgasms for both of us.

i have a much higher sex drive but over the years, it has become less of a problem where my sex drive has calmed down a bit. i suppose nowadays we average once a week which is fine.

i've never considered myself to be particularly great in terms of the actual sex bit but have always enjoyed giving bjs (sorry tmi). we used to do this a lot and i really do like to do it. so that was obviously great for him as blokes generally like this right?! however, in recent years, foreplay has become less and less. he doesn't seem comfortable with me touching him and doesn't seem to get hard when i do, not fully anyway.

so our sex goes like this:

kissing and touching
him making me come through foreplay (but not wanting me to touch him)
us having sex (no erectile problems)
us both coming

which is great for me, i'm a very satisfied lady. i know i shouldn't complain but i want to touch him too. it makes me feel selfish and like i'm not doing anything. also, like i previously said, it does actually turn me on too.

so this has been going on for a while, maybe a few years now. i miss feeling sexy. i miss feeling good at what i do. most of all i miss being able to pleasure him like he does for me.

we do talk very openly about sex. we speak of porn and wanking and other really frank discussions but when it comes to this it's difficult. last time we spoke of this i said if there was anything he wanted me to do, or do differently he can tell me and i'll do it iykwim. he said that he gets thoughts in his head like he's not getting hard and it makes him lose it (argh, not easy to word this).

so i just don't mention it. i don't want to put more pressure on him, and like i said, it isn't like our sexlife isn't satisfying.

but last night, he actually wanted a bj. great, so i started and he was hard but not completely. then he said his d*ck looked small and sort of laughed embarressed. the he said 'it's not you'. we stopped and he resumed the usual sex agenda.

why did he say that? i certainly don't think he's too small. he isn't at all.

he's a really confident bloke too, good looking, successful i.e. he doesn't generally lack self-esteem in his life. in fact when i met him, he was a bit of a ladies man too so he's always been quite confident in that department.

afterwards, i said to him that he wasn't small and he shouldn't say that. i said that he was perfect and tried to reassure him.

i don't know what else to do. i feel like by mentioning it again i'm putting more pressure on him.

[BedProb]

god, did i sound too smug?
i didn't mean to.

[AnyFucker]

something has happened to make him lose his confidence

have you any idea what it could be?

[BedProb]

i don't know

he said once that he doesn't feel as confident about his body as he's put on some weight. maybe a stone and a half since we first met (but we were teenagers when we met).

but he is by no means overweight though.

i've tried to encourage him to do exercise but i can't force him to.

he isn't fat in the slightest though.

[AnyFucker]

I do know that if blokes put on some weight, it makes their widge look smaller (from above, IYSWIM)

he is obviously uncomfortable about something though isn't he

like you said, I can't imagine any bloke suddenly deciding they don't like bj's anymore

I think you need to make him talk to you

[howtotellmum]

how would you feel about having a frank chat with him about it?

I am not a sex therapist- but it seems as if he has got into a "groove" in terms of what works for him, for some reason- and that he is afraid of some kind of failure if it happens any other way?

[BedProb]

good point about the weight thing.
i think he said it because he wasn't fully hard though.

but why doesn't he get hard? i'm finding it difficult not to be uber paranoid and make it about me. i feel like i'm doing something wrong and it's so embarressing. gah.

how do i bring it up without making him feel that it's an issue for me though?

another thing to add into this weird thoughts thing, he cut his pubes right back recently (sorry tmi), he said to keep it neat but i'm starting to think maybe he has an issue with his size now?

i really don't get it. he doesn't have a small d*ck at all.

[BedProb]

howtotell, i think that's is it. he is scared he'll lose it if he isn't in 'control' of the situation.

for example, a few months ago i got some slinky wares on and lured him upstairs and pounced on him. so i got him on the bd and climbed on top (not sex but just kissing etc) but he wasn't comfortable and didn't get hard. it was really embarressing for me but we just carried on and i let him take over. then he was fine.

i just feel like a sack of potatoes sometimes.

[AnyFucker]

deffo has an issue with size

a lot of these porno/blokey websites say that your tackle looks bigger when you prune the bush

even Nuts magazine will tell you that

has he been watching that "Extreme Male Beauty" prog too?

it seems a lot of men (esp if they are a bit vain or have prev had a lot of luck with the ladies) are getting all paranoid these days

so I am told

[BedProb]

maybe he's having an image crisis.

this morning he was saying how scruffy he feels and none of his clothes fit him.

he is normally a typical bloke about these things though. it used to be that he never bought clothes, wasn't interested. in fact, at one point his wardrobe consisted of clothes that me and my sister and mum had bought him.

he is such a typical bloke about his image normally. his 'beauty' regime being shaving and showering. no fancy products.

[Supercherry]

Though it could be about size, I think it's more likely to be about control. Maybe it just doesn't turn him on if you take control?

[Supercherry]

How old is he? Could he be having a bit of a mid-life crisis with regards to the image thing?

[BedProb]

interesting supercherry. he has always been the one in control of the sex in oujr relationship, which suits me fine.

but in the case of a bj, well, last night he initiated it. also wanted to stand up which is fine. also fits in with the dominant male thing (him standing above me etc). but wasn't at all successful.

i mean giving a bj is a kind of submissive thing in that situation, no?

for most men isn't getting a woman to do that a bit of a powertrip?

[BedProb]

he is under 30!

[BedProb]

but what am i going to say to him?

and if he doesn't want to do anything about it (like talk to a gp or sex therapist) then am i resigned to never doing those thigns again?

can he honestly be satisfied with never getting that pleasure from his wife?

and would he be ok with another woman?

is under 30 young to be having those problems?

am i maing a big deal out of nothing, when everything else to do with se is fine?

[Supercherry]

Probably not a mid-life crisis then

Do you think it's possible that he just doesn't get turned on by BJs and that he was going along with it before because he knows you like it? Maybe the recent BJ attempt was him trying to find a way to make it turn him on more- ie. standing up etc?

Tricky one really.

You do have a good sex life though so I would say it isn't a big deal BUT if it's a big deal to you then it needs resolving somehow.

Despite the embarrassment I would probably ask him what turns him on and see where the conversation leads to begin with.

[Supercherry]

To put things in perspective, I don't like a man going down on me, it actually irritates me and the many times I've 'let' my partner do this to me I've been bored and mildly irritated. It just doesn't do it for me. Yet I'm sure most women love it but we are all different aren't we?

[BedProb]

supercherry, thanks.

i'm not always up for oral sex either.

he def used to enjoy it, he used to request it!

but it isn't just the bj thing. he isn't keen on me touching his d*ck at all. i think because he is embarressed that he doesn't have an erection. i'm not sure.

[Supercherry]

It's really hard to know what he is thinking without a good talk.

Do you think you will pluck up the courage to have a chat with him? I would do it after a couple of glasses of wine.

[BedProb]

yeah i will do.
ta supercherry.

[Wendy1983]

Yeah I think it sounds like he has issues about being soft or is worried that he will go soft when you are giving him a bj, but that doesn't happen when he is the one in control as he knows what he wants (if that makes sense?). Sorry if this is way tmi but what about getting him to 'fuck your mouth' to get back into bjs? then he is more in control of it all??

Sorry, I didn't know how to say that nicely.

[HolyGuacamole]

Aw poor bloke.

He sounds like a lot of women might feel when they put on a bit of weight or lose a bit of confidence in their bodies? Maybe this is a bit weird but if he feels a bit embarrassed about his weight gain, maybe he is worried about how he looks 'from there'? For example if you're down below him, maybe he worries that all you can see is a belly?

And then maybe the self consciousness about his body or his weight has transferred to him worrying about being erect and being able to perform? I dunno, it is just a thought but maybe he is in a vicious cycle?

I once said to my DH (at the pool on holiday) about how sometimes I compare my body to other womens and feel a bit self aware and sort of wish I had the bronze tan, tight belly etc etc. He said "well you see that guy over there all tanned with the six pack stomach and muscles, don't you think that I look at him and think the same?"

So I guess to a certain extent, men and woman both do this.....but until then I never knew men did it too!! My DH reckons most guys have the exact same types of insecurities but that they are just too manly and macho to mention it.

Anyway, I am rambling.....

[RedCharityBonney]

Tricky one. Safe routine, control, size and image all sound likely elements in his issue.

Do you just talk about porn or do you watch/read any together?

[RedCharityBonney]

Could you guys get in shape together. Don't make it about him, but enlist his help as an exercise buddy for you. Could swim or jog together and eat more healthily. If you help him get back in condition he'll have a lot more confidence. That will be helpful if you need to have any chats about bed things etc. (Never talk about sex in bed btw!)

[BedProb]

yeah we both like porn.
we don't watch it that much anymore but we have watched together in the last month.

i just don't want to rely on porn though. also, even with the porn, i didn't touch him at all in foreplay.

getting in shape thing is important. i'm actually pg at the moment so it's not that easy to exercise other than what we do already. i did manage to get him playing footy with my friend's boyfriend but it's the end of the season now. i said he should go out jogging instead which he did one week but hasn't since.

we do eat pretty healthily, he eats whatever i put in front of him! but i have no control over biscuits at work.

do you think it would help if i bought him some new clothes? i know some of his clothes are too tight/too scruffy (in his mind) now.

[HolyGuacamole]

Yes, something new to wear. Great idea!