X-post - DH a rock when I'm depressed, but a grumpy arse when I'm not!

[flamingobingo]

Thought it might be appropriate to post this here too:

DH seems to become so bloody grumpy as soon as I come out of a depression - why? It's like he feels inadequate whenever I'm happy.

I've been very well the last few days, but yesterday, his first day off for a while, he's been completely grumpy and horrible. The nicest part of the day was when he was out having a driving lesson.

And he's been a grumpy arse this morning too!

I think some of it may be work, but he's had the same work situation for ages, and it's only when I get better that he gets grumpy.

I'm starting to think that it's me being depressed that helps him cope with any crap going on at work? Or that he feels he only makes an important contribution at home when I'm depressed because the rest of the time I'm so on top of things?

Has anyone else had this? Can anyone offer some advice because right now I'm thinking I'm going to pretend to be depressed the whole time if it's the only way I can make him at all pleasant to be with!

He spend a lot of time saying 'I''m crap' whenever I say the slightest thing that could remotely be percieved as criticism like 'Has DD4's nappy been changed?'.

It's so frustrating because I can see why it is, but have no idea how to stop it! Except for being depressed! It's making my happy times miserable sad

[bigchris]

do you think he culd be depressed too but hides it when your feeling down?
it's very hard being the one is always 'up' in order to support a depressed partner, so when the partner is feeling better it is very easy (and understandable) to do a bit of leaning on for support

[flamingobingo]

I don't know, I don't think so. HOw would I know, and what would I do if he was?

I think he just can't cope with the fact that he's not needed so much practically when I'm well. He is needed - but he doesn't run the house, or look after the children, quite as efficiently as I do when I'm well. That's not a criticism. But when he's in charge there's always encroaching clutter, or un-hung up washing, or un-changed nappies, or badly-dealt-with tantrums - which I wouldn't dream of saying anything about because he's absolutely bloody brilliant compared to all the other husbands I know! And I'm not in the slightest bit ungrateful. But if I say anything at all about it when I'm well - not criticism, just questions to see if I need to do things ie. 'do the nappies need washing?' he huffs and puffs and sighs and goes 'no, no, just like usual I haven't done them' as if I've said 'you lazy sod, you haven't done the nappies'!

Whereas when I'm too depressed to do anything much, he's the one who stops everything descending into a hell of mess and dirty laundry and feral children - he's 'better' than me. Then he's happy

It sounds really awful, but it's not. I can see why he must start to feel really inadequate when I'm ready to take the chores etc. back, because I'm way better than him at doing it. But what can I do?