Just need to rant about ex.

[onlygotonelife]

Ex has just rung me up to tell me he has taken drugs again,and if only I had let him stay at my house tonight as he wanted, it would never have happened.

Apparently I have anger issues, I am unreasonable, i have changed from the lovely person I once was, when i would have done anything for him. Now I am just destructive, not right for him, he needs someone who will be there for him. He wants to stop taking drugs so i must work as a partnership to help him... ie do whatever he needs to help him stop, have him in the house or whatever.

He has told me he wanted to stop all the last 4 years.
Despite being a successful professional, he has left me in vast debt (about 36k) from bullying, manipulating, threatening, lying and stealing money from me.

This last week alone he has threatened to break my windows if i don't let him in, has threatened to break things in the house if I don't hand him cash,has ranted and raved and told me dangerous dealers know where I live and could hurt me or the kids if I don't give him cash.

When i did allow him to stay overnight (in spare room) when he said how much he needed to be here to give him strength to resist drugs,and wanted to make it up to me and dd1 for him going n all day - he then spent the whole following day in bed,"tired",while I looked after 3 year old & 8 month old baby on little sleep.

He shows scant regard for any of the needs and rights of me or our children, yet I am the one who is letting us all down by finally realising he does nothing but make our lives more and more unstable by the day - has left us in mortgage arrears and with no money to buy anything the kids need, or finish fixing the house so me and the kids basically pretty much live in my bedroom.



cannot believe he can tell me I have anger issues for being angry at all the above, and that it is me who is at fault for not rallying round and doing everything he needs and wants

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

You can't believe it's your fault for the simple reason that it's not. You ex has drug problems and until he sorts that out he'll never be any use to you or your DC. He's your ex for a reason, and you're well shot of him. Unplug or switch off your phone when you go to bed, call the police if he threatens you, don't give him cash and contact Women's Aid for support.

You are not responsible for his actions, or for the situations he finds himself in.

[tribpot]

Quite agree, he sounds dreadful and clearly unready to face his drug problems. I would assume that, as well as Women's Aid, the drug equivalent of Al-Anon would be able to help you, this must be quite a common theme for the ex-partners of drug abusers.

All the acts you've described are crimes. Threatning to break windows, trying to extort money from you, the police need to know. Are there any witnesses?

[Hammy01]

Yes, you probably were a different person when you first met as you hadn't been lied to, mainupulated, severly in debt with two LOs to support
You have every right to be angry.
I am in a very similar position.
My dh has weekend binges of alcohol and coke at least 2 out of every 4 weekends and like your situation, it has left us in severe debt and I have changed from being me to someone who dreads the weekends, playing 'detective' to check that no empty alcohol bottles or 'wraps' have been left wear the children could get them, sleeping with my purse under my pillow...the list could go on.
They have made us like this. Makes me so bloody angry when they try to turn it round that it's somehow our fault for not being supportive.
I still am under the 'illusion' that he will see that his family are more important but not happened yet.
I am teetering on that brink at the moment, rock bottom is almost on me...lets see what this weeks confessions from the weekend are
There is another thread on 'relationships' for 'Partners of Drug Addicts' or something and is fantastic for supporting the partners/ex partners in these situations, whether they're addicted to drugs or alcohol.
Lots of very wise advice and support for us ladies (or men) that need to have reassurance that there are people listening.
Well done you for putting you and your children first though.
Take care

[onlygotonelife]

hammy -i'm very sorry to hear you're in a similar position - life has beenlike yours foralong time.I've beenon the other thread,and that andemotional abuse thread have helped me start to detach from him.

Maybe 1 day he will find that his family are more important than drugs but I can't wait for that miraculous day any longer. My life seems to have been to serve his needs - I and the dc deserve tolive life for ourselves, free of his abusive behaviour.

No,no witnesses tohis behaviour -he wants everyone tothink he's a good guy.At the weekend he felt very ashamed because he actually had togooff begging otherpeople formoney to bail him out of his situation.Now ofcourse he's back in it.

He simply doesn't seem to beable to take responsibility for his problem -Imust helpsave him,but I keep telling him nothing I have ever done has changed his behaviour, only he has the power to change.

He promised dd1 he'd come round to see her this morning. Now why isn't that enough to helphim say no? His family could be homeless, but it's not enough to help him say no.

[Janos]

You have every right to feel angry and you have done absolutely nothing wrong, onelife.
And you are definietly NOT responsible for this pathetic excuse of a man.

I agree with tribpot that the police need to know about his threatening behaviour. And don't give him any money.

It sounds like the addicts thread might be helpful to you as well.

[Hammy01]

Thing is onelife, its so hard as even if you split from them, they are still a father and like you said, even seeing his family broken up and homeless is not enough of a kick up the ars for them??
And when they're playing the 'I need you to help me, I really want to quit' card and we give them that one last chance, it never is.
Sounds like it doesn't get any easier even when splitting up!
I guess the bonus about detachment is you know where your money is and you no longer have to play as many mind games.
It must be so hard for you. I really feel where your coming from onelife.
Hope things start improving soon or he has that much-deserved kick up the ars

[citronella]

Onelife, I know where you are coming from too (although issue was not a drugs one) and I agree with Hammy - your trump card is learning to detach. That is what will help you get back on track. Tune out of what he says about you. As Hammy says you will have control over your own money and oh the freedom from the mind games!! You will have to have some sort of contact for your dd but do it on your terms so that the balance you are rebuilding in your lives is not easily shaken.

[onlygotonelife]

In hisresponsiblemoments he still wants to sort out the debt problems he has created forme - I am sahm, and extent of bills, mortgage and debts will be difficult for me to manage.

Problem is he uses help as blackmail - give me £x now, or you won't get £x later this month etc. Finally realised this just doesn't work as eventually all his money is spent on drugs / prostitutes whatever.

But I have responsibility to the dc, and myself, and am adamant that we are at last going to come first

[cestlavielife]

tell the police,

they are threats. dont let him in but call police if he appears and have them arrest him.

only he is responsible for his drug problem, not you.