what shall I do?

[wheredidmylifego]

Have namechanged as my dp knows my nickname.

Well, not sure what I want really, maybe just to rant.
Im fed up with my relationship. wondering if I should end it with my dp. I know there are some terible stories on here of awful things that people go through and this will probably seem petty but Im at a loss what to do.

Me and dp are just so funamentaly different I cant make it work anymore. To steel someone elses line, I feel like he is a dementor off harry potter, he is sucking the life out of me.

He is kind, decent man, does his fair share with our dd and around the house, works full time, is not mean or nasty to me......

He is also very closed, never talks about his feelings or emotions, a total TV addict and the weekends just stretch out endlesley with us never doing anything.

I have tried to talk to him, tried to get him to cheer up, do something, anything, he is happy the way he is...... Im not.

I keep in touch with my friends, go out and socialise with them by myself but I want a partner to do things with.

We had a bust up today, our dd is only one and really needs her sleep and its hard to think of anything to do around nap times, I suggested a couple of things, he didnt want to do them....... we had a row.

He got ready and went and met a mate for a drink at half one this afternoon, he is still out, quite unusual for him but I knwo he will be v.v drunk and Im dreading him coming home incase we have a row .

I know it all seems trivial but I have my own issues, a difficult realtionship with my mum, my dad died when I was young, have never felt loved and I dont now by him, I feel he is just going through the motions with me, he is not affectionate, we dont connect. I feel jealous as hell if I see anyoneout and about holding hands etc as he just wouldnt do that

Dont know what to do

[HolyGuacamole]

Have you told him how unhappy you feel within the relationship and that you are finding it hard to see a way forward? I suppose I mean, does he realise exactly how close you are to giving up on him?

I know you have tried to get him to do stuff as a couple but he may just see that as you nagging him. Maybe he needs to be made painfully aware of exactly how you are feeling and that his lack of attention to the upkeep of the relationship is making you lose respect/love for him and that he is at risk of losing you.

Do you think that would help?

[wheredidmylifego]

Yes Ive tried to talk to him, the problem is, he just dosent want to talk, he dosent see the need to talk about emotions.

He is a very black and white person, I can be overly emotional and insecure, at first I thought we were a good match, sort of even each other out and meet in the middle but now I just dont feel we connect.

He is very steady, all my friends say thats good for me, I get no declerations or love but I get no emotional/physical abuse either so everyone thinks I should be happy,Im not..........

When I try and talk to him he just says, its all ok, dont worry lets just be nice to each other and get on.

I need more, a deeper connection, he dosent understand me.

Im begining to think we are fundametaly wrong for each other, biut our dd is only one, its so complicated, we are now in negative equity due to the fall in house prices I cant see how we can afford to live seperately.

I shut up about things, manage to get through a few days, a week even, then it all starts again. I feel clingy and desperate, begging him to love me sometimes

[wheredidmylifego]

I think he has lost respect for me, I went back to work for a couple of months but have had to have a few months off sick after a gynae operation. He told me I have been sitting on my arse for a year, or baby is only 11 months old! I have been looking after her.........

I asked him to pick up a bottle of wine and a takeaway the other night, he came home with a takeaway for me and he had a tin of soup! Said he didnt feel like one so didnt want to waste money agggggghhhhhh.

We never, and I mean never have takea ways I just wanted us to have some nice food and wine and maybe a chat.

He just sat on the other couch, we didnt really speak, he ate his soup, for gods sake, there has to be more to life

[Overmydeadbody]

I think, if you don't want to be with your DP anymore, and he no longer makes you happy, then that is a justified reason to leave.

You only have one life, you might as well spend it with someone who enhances that life, instead of sucking everything from it.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Where do you want to be in 5 years time?

[Overmydeadbody]

ther is more to life. If you're not compatible then you're not compatible. And it's better to end it while your DD is so young, rather than bringing her up in an unhappy household or splitting up when she's older.

[doesmybumlookbiginthis]

How long have you been together? How long have you felt relationship has been like this? Could it just be a rough patch?
Suppose it depends if you think relationship is worth saving? It must have been good at beginning and maybe you can get it back to then

[wheredidmylifego]

5 years time, I would like to have annother baby (he only wants one, for pratical reasons). I would like to have been promoted in my job, finished my degree and moved to a bigger house.

In 5 years time I would like to be married . My dp says he wants to marry me but dosent ask as he cant afford the engagement ring at the moment, I think its all excuses tbh.

Everyone likes him, my friends, my family, no-one understands. They dont know really what he is like though.

My family go to an open air concert every year, I want us to go along, he hsaid he will come "its a family tradition isnt it" I know really he dosent want to go. He dosent get exited or enthused about anything.

I used to think he was depressed, tell him to go to the doctors, he said he isnt and Im starting to believe him, he is just the way he is

[wheredidmylifego]

Ps sorry I havent said but thankyou everyone for your replies, dd just stiring will be back in 2 tics

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I think this is too big to not make him see he has to talk to you.

You can get married without an engagement ring.

it seems like if you think he is making excuses then you don't feel secure with the relationship.

[wheredidmylifego]

tbh I dont know how to get the relationship back to what it was, it started i suppose when I got pregnant. At first we got drunk a lot tbh, we were both big drinkers and we had lots of sex, the booze and the sex has stopped and I feel like we are left with nothing.

God what a thing to say, its shameful hey, we are not kids, I honestly did think we would be good parents and we are good parents but Im so unhappy, he says its not him, its me, if I just shut up and got on with it everthing would be ok (not those exact words but to that effect)

Oh im rambling now I suppose, what do you all do with your weekends when you have a baby? Do you feel a connection with your partner? Am I unrealistic?

[wheredidmylifego]

No, FBG I dont feel secure in the relationship, I have big insecurity issues. Im overweight, more so since I had my dd and my self esteem is in my boots.

I want to feel loved and cherished but I do have some self awareness I realise he cant make it all better for me and I need to loose weight, get some self confidence but he could do more I know that much

[blinks]

he needs a wake up call.

have you tried relationship counselling?

[FreshlyFrozen]

Mine does this too. Goes to work and when home just watches TV or goes on the PC. I kick his arse. I have told him on many occasions that it is not acceptable. That we are a family and that effort is required, no matter how tired or stressed he is. It's annoying that I have to KEEP doing but generally it works, at least enough to keep dc and me happy.

I hesitate to suggest giving him an ultimatum - arse in gear or else - but it has worked for me!

[HolyGuacamole]

If he sees no problem and no reason to change, then maybe you are better to cut your losses and give yourself the chance to realise your '5 year' dreams?

Just because someone is a nice person, doesn't mean you have to stay with them forever by default. There needs to be all the basic things (love, respect etc) but there also needs to be an understanding that each of you is 50% responsible for making a happy relationship. If the other person can't be arsed or sees no problem, then you have a lot of years of banging your head against a brick wall (and general unhappiness) ahead of you and that would be such a waste of your potential.

The take away story is very sad by the way, so you were left to feel all greedy and wasteful of money whilst he 'made do' with a bowl of soup to prove some sort of point, what a git.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

So he is blaming you for everything. Don't see how you can fix things when he won't accept it is a 2 way thing.

No, you are not unrealistic.

[wheredidmylifego]

Thankyou all so much for your advice, Its great to get an impartial view on things. And thankyou HG for undertanding about the takeaway I thought it seemed so petty when I wrote it down but that is exactly how I felt, he couldnt even stop being sensible for one night and share a bloody mel with me.

I have asked him to go to relate with me and he did agree but it sort of fizzled out due to the money situation. We are not destitute btw he is just v. v. sensible with money.

In my 20's I got into a lot of debt, went travelling, student loans the works, I am slowly but surely paying it all back and its not easy but I learned my lesson but he has never been in debt, never even had a credit card and he now holds all the strings when it comes to money.

Maybe going to relate would help, Its up to me I suppose to get the ball rolling, I just feel so apathetic about it all sometimes, I jsut think yeah Ill just shut up and it will all be ok but I know Im just kidding myself.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

I have looked to my DH to make everything okay and he really can't but he does all he can to try and he does whatever is necessary to enable me to make things better for me.

He is always on my side.

[wheredidmylifego]

Balls, he has just phoned, he is v. drunk and on his way home, I asked him to stay athis friends but said he already on way home so Im off too bed. I dont want to see him or get into a row.

Thanks for all your advice ladies, he is not going to change anyhting I knwo that, its up to me. Its either relate or an ultimatum, he is not going to change.

[HolyGuacamole]

Good luck with whatever you decide. And I hope he gives you a bit of peace and quiet tonight too.

[Overmydeadbody]

If he is not going to change you need to either accept who he is or move on.

When you say you want to be married and have another child in 5 yrs time you don't say if it is just these things you want or if you want them with him. Do you want to be married to him or do you just want to be married? I think your answer will make a big difference.

[wheredidmylifego]

good question deadbody and I honestly dont know the answer any more, Im feeling very unsure.

I think about our weding in my head, if Im honest I would like a big party with all my friends and family, not formal but a big relaxed happy occasion, he would like just me him and dd!

I can almost picture it in my mind, he would be standing over one side of the room talking to someone and I would walk over to him and I know I would want to put my arm round him but I wouldnt do it for fear that he would shrug me off, I would feel insecure is that my problem or does he bring it out in me , I dont know.

There would be no speeches, no romantic first dance, he would feel akward with everyone watching.

O god I seem so pathetic dont I

Im just v.v. tired. He came home last night and up to bed, put the tv on, sat in bed eating pizza. I was pissed off and asked him to sleep on the couch, why should I be disturbed? Anyway that didnt happen, I slept on the couch, well didnt really sleep and dd up at 5.30 this morning, oh dear.

So she has just gone down for a sleep, when she gets up I need to go to the supermarket, get us out of the house for a bit.

I just know he will get up later, much later and then ask me if I want a cup of tea and pretend nothing happened yesterday, if I bring it up he will tell me to stop making a fuss. If I say, he hasnt spent any time with dd all weekend he will say its my fault for starting an argument yesterday so he went out, deny any responsibility.

Its all just so predictable, dont even know how to rty and change this pattern of behaviour we have got into

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Oh love.

He is happy. He is getting to be boss and getting what he wants.

You aren't.

He won't change his behaviour as he has no reason too.

I think you have to make him see how important all this is to you and make it clear what the results will be if he will not listen to what you are saying.

[wheredidmylifego]

Im just having a bloody terrible day, I have behaved really badly

Im so ashamed of myself, he got up, acting as if all ok I said Im just not happy the way things are. He said no your not are you, you never are, your mentally ill, you need help blah blah.

I said no im not I just need to talk to you. He said no need to talk its a new day, forget about yesterday just draw a line under it and move on.

I felt like I was going mad, its so bizzare just to have someone constantly invalidating your feelings, maybe I am going mad.

Anyway I really lost the plot, I have a terrible temper and I just shouted my head off at him, my dd was there and burst into tears, really inconsolable (sp) crying.

God what a thing to do, to say I feel gulity would be an underestimation, what kind of person does that, she is only a baby.

Anyway, she was shattered bless her, she was up early this am, half five so he has taken her out for a walk and left me to calm down.

So now, because I handelled the whole thing teribley and have upset dd its all my falut now, any issues I have are null and void because I lost the plot.

[FabulousBakerGirl]

Kids have worse things happen than see mum and dad fight tbh.

That is what needs a line drawn under it, not what he said.

What are you going to do if he will not listen to you?