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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need advice, friend says I couldn't possibly be being abused...

72 replies

KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 15:46

OK, I need some advice and perspective.

Some of you know what's been going on with my marriage recently. Well, I never did phone WA, and I spoke to a RL friend instead. I explained to her that he'd grabbed me and shaken me angrily more than once in our marriage.

He's lovely one minute and really mean the next - just last night he was sitting on the end of the bed telling me I was lazy and didn't do anything and the kids are copying me, and then this morning he's all helpful and wants me to go to the GP (for depression) where a few weeks ago he was really against it. He keeps me up late to 'talk things over', even though he knows I'll be really tired, and when I say I want to go to sleep, he gets really cross about me 'refusing to talk' and face up to my issues blah blah blah.
When I go to bed early to try and off-set this, I can hear him downstairs, stomping about and just feel really scared.

I explained some of this to my friend, and she told me that she couldn't really believe that I was facing any abuse because I was such a gobby woman anyway, and I gave as good as I got with my mouth. She basically said that when he tells me I'm pushing his buttons that I am, and need to stop and then everything will be fine. She said loads of couples wind each other up to the point of one shaking the other, and it really wasn't a big deal.

I've been trying to pluck up the courage to phone WA again, but I'm hearing her and thinking that they're just going to tell me the same sort of thing. So am I being a drama queen? Should I just stop being selfish and get on with it?

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FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 15:48

Fucking hell she is no friend and is talking crap.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 15:49

Sorry for language but you know what he is doing is all wrong. Gobby cow or not, this is not on and he needs to be gone imo.

Are you eating?

Phone the WA. Now. Please.

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MaggieTulliver · 16/05/2009 15:49

She has no idea how you actually feel. If you feel intimidated then it is a problem that you need to look. What is a problem for one may not be for another but that is irrelevant given how your are feeling.

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Mamazon · 16/05/2009 15:50

your friend is an arse.

You are describing the early days of my relatsionship with Xp. im sure if you search my name you;ll find whathappened in the later stages.

you need to do something. either leave or seek relationship counselling.

and explain to your friend that not all abuse leaves a visible mark!

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NotQuiteCockney · 16/05/2009 15:50

She's talking rubbish.

He tries to make you keep talking when you don't want to.

He shakes you.

Would you let a stranger do these things to you?

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BillSilverFoxBuchanan · 16/05/2009 15:51

I don't see what your personality has to do with whether or not you're being abused?

Phone the WA, they will be far more helpful and sympathetic/understanding.

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coppertop · 16/05/2009 15:53

I'm only going by what you've written on this thread but your friend is talking complete bollards. Shaking someone is not typical behaviour. Neither is deliberately keeping someone awake when you know they're tired.

I think your dh is the one with issues.

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bosch · 16/05/2009 15:55

Sorry Kay, don't know your history, sounds like your friend is not really hearing what you're saying. Do phone and get the advice that you really need. Your dh/partner sounds very controlling and not treating you as an adult. You both need help. Good luck.

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Mamazon · 16/05/2009 16:00

just to help you disregard what your friend has so unhelpfully told you.
im 6'1 and weigh about 20 stone.
I am an incredibly strong person both physically and emotionally. I am the very last person on the planet you would think could suffer domestic abuse.

i spent 7 years being kicked the shite out of. as i said, it started in just the same way you are describing. we'd argue abuot something silly, usually instigated by him. he would not let me sleep. lack of sleep is actually a recognised form of torture and is quite commonly used by abusive partners.

he would scream and shout about everything until i got to the point where i hated the news being on because if he asked myopnion on something and it didn't match his own he would kick off.

soon the shouting and pushing in arguments escelated. but it escelates in such a slow burn manner that you just dont even realise. you dont notice that its gone from pushing and shoving to punches and kicks.

if everything is happy ion a relationship and then he just punches you its a very clear line that he has crossed. thats why they use these slow drip tactics. they wear down your self esteem and they break down the line between acceptable behaviour and violance.

please, ignore you friend and split with him now. don't be on here in years to come re telling tales of broken bones

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Lulumama · 16/05/2009 16:09

do you take her word over the many MNers who have told you that it is abuse? she is clearly someone who has no idea of the complexities of abuse.

anyway, if you feel abused, are miserable and feel in danger,physically and emotionally,that is what matters,not her opinion
although it might be nice to try to believe her to cling on to your marriage,rather than teh painful truth, IFYSWIM

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Habbibu · 16/05/2009 16:12

Kay, please phone WA. Strong and vocal women are not immune from abuse, and "pushing someone's buttons" is such a rubbish phrase - nothing justifies grabbing and shaking you.

WA will NOT say what your friend has. Please, please phone them. This situation is not good for you.

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Habbibu · 16/05/2009 16:13

"She said loads of couples wind each other up to the point of one shaking the other, and it really wasn't a big deal."

That's wrong, and really sad that your friend thinks that. It is a big deal, it's not ok.

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KayHarkerDoesNotSimper · 16/05/2009 16:14

I guess it's easier to go along with what she says because she knows him and I trust her to be sensible - she's quite the women's rights crusader, and I thought that if I told her, she'd be really supportive, and it's rocked me a little to hear her of all people tell me it's nothing. He hasn't shaken me since the incident the other month, and she says that 4 or 5 times in 8 years is hardly a pattern.

He's back, might not get on this thread again until later.

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Habbibu · 16/05/2009 16:17

Once is not good, Kay! Maybe it's harder for her to accept precisely because she does know him. And it is just not ok to be physically assaulted by your partner - it just isn't, no matter who it is doing it.

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bosch · 16/05/2009 16:19

Kay

Echo what the others say - it's not acceptable to shake someone the way you describe. Once maybe. Maybe. But probably not ever.

I wonder if your friend might find it easier to crusade for women's rights in the abstract but not in real life?

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Habbibu · 16/05/2009 16:19

And anyway, if you want perspective, calling WA is the right thing to do - it's not a life-changing decision just to talk it through with someone, and I think you need to hear some stuff in person, iyswim?

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Mamazon · 16/05/2009 16:19

it's true that she knows your Dp and we don;t. but maybe thats the problem. she has built a relationship of her own with him. she has seen him at his most charming and she just can't imagine him being anything but lovely.

we are independant. we can tell you, without fear of upsetting the relatsionship we have with either of you, the truth as we see it. of course we are onlyhearing your side of events but you know how you feel.

at the end of the day its up to you to decide whether you feel her opinion carries more weight than ours. but ultimatly you have posted because you are not happy with teh way your Dp sometimes treats you.

even if you accept your friends opinions that this isn't abuse (and you know i think itis) you need to make changes in your relationship in order for you to feel safe and loved.

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gizmo · 16/05/2009 16:22

Oh Kay . Things are escalating, from the sound of things and they're not going in the right direction. Look, if he's scaring you, you've lost the trust that is essential to a loving relationship, so in a sense, other people's definitions are completely irrelevant. You certainly sound as if you need help and that's what WA is for - they don't block the door if you haven't got a black eye, you know.

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justaboutspringtime · 16/05/2009 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 16/05/2009 16:30

can you find your other thread for us? i remember it but can't see it anywhere....gives ALOT more perspective.

question really is what are you going to do about it. its abuse. i think you've identified that. no point asking someone on the inside (your friend). have been there myself,was in an abusive marriage for ten years myself,and used WA route to get out.

is there a future for your marriage? do you want to remain there? do you want him to go for "help"?

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2009 16:30

Abusers as well can be completely plausible to those in the outside world and your friend has a very distorted picture of him. She's not in your marriage. Your so called friend has actually done you a lot of harm by calling your own judgment into question and completely downplaying the situation.

She said, "loads of couples wind each other up to the point of one shaking the other, and it really wasn't a big deal". First off couples in both healthy and non abusive relationships do NOT wind each other up to the point of shaking each other. The woman is talking bollards honestly and she is really no friend of yours which makes me wonder why on earth you confided in her in the first place. She also seems to dominate you like your H. This is all about power and control. If she was on the receiving end she would certainly think its a big deal.

Why did you not call WA originally?. Out of having feelings of shame and guilt, its not that bad?. Those feelings btw are totally misplaced. They will not think you are wasting their time, far from it.

On a wider level all this is not helpful for your children to be witnessing either - what are you and your H teaching them here?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

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gizmo · 16/05/2009 16:37

Just to add my voice to the consensus, Kay. My husband does not shake me or touch me in any way if we have an argument and we can really go at it. If any RL friend told me that her husband had done that, yes, I would be very concerned about their relationship. It is NOT acceptable.

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dizietsma · 16/05/2009 16:41

My very bolshie, very gobby, very able to stand up for herself mum was abused terribly by my stepfather. Emotionally initially and eventually physically. Things do not have to get physical for a relationship to be abusive. The fact that you are afraid of him is very telling.

Most abusive relationships develop over time, with the emotional abuse "training" the other partner to accept later physical abuses.

Your friend clearly has a stereotype of what an abused woman looks and acts like. She's very wrong. In most abusive relationships there are commonalities of behaviours, but the abuser and abusee come from all walks of life and personalities. WA will understand this, and will listen to you sympathetically.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 16/05/2009 17:19

Chances are she is putting up with some kind of abuse if she thinks this is ok.

Bollocks to a pattern. If my DH hit me once, he would be out.

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mamas12 · 16/05/2009 17:47

Fabulous I was just about say that.
She has her own relationship with your h and has been charmed by him.
If she really thinks that shaking your wife is normal then I think you need to ask her if she is being abused in some way too.
So sorry you chose the wrong friend to confide in. Why don't ring wa ? They are not going to send in the sas they will just talk with you in confidence.

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