Getting frustrated with lack of sex

[lottiebunny]

I've been with my wonderful DP for 2.5 years now and when we got together we had a great sex life. Now we only seem to have sex when I initiate it and then I can't orgasm from sex with extra stimulation when I used to be able to. It's really beginning to get me down.

I asked DP why he doesn't initiate and he said that I always want at times he doesn't. I get horny at night and in the morning when I'm slightly sleepy and more relaxed and he just wants to go to sleep at these times. He has always preferred afternoon sex but this isn't possible as we are both students and always busy at these times. We don't live together but see each other a few nights a week and speak every night on the phone.

I told him that it made me feel unloved and unwanted for him to never initiate sex. I've think that if I felt he wanted it more, I would find sex with him more enjoyable. I told him this and he looked a bit sad and said that he's so used to being in bed meaning watching TV and snuggling up and he finds it hard to switch to 'sex' mode. He also said that he didn't know how to initiate sex with me without actually saying it. I gave him a physical cue he could use instead but I don't know if he will be brave enough to use it.

This is his first sexual relationship and he isn't as comfortable talking about sex as I am. We are intimate in plenty of other ways, plenty of cuddles and kisses but I really am at a loss as to why we seem to have lost our sex life.

Does anyone have any other strategies for me to try and get us going again?

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Well, firstly, give him a chance to use the 'physical cue' you gave him (sorry but I am intrigued as to what this is and expect there will be a few other posters speculating as well) ie now that you have asked him to change, give him some time to do so.
Secondly, cut him a little bit more slack if this is his first sexual relationship than you would for an experienced person: he probably doesn' know what his own libido is yet. He may be someone with a low-ish sex drive: if so then the two of you need to keep talking and keep working on compromises.

But thirdly, the fact that you are not enjoying sex as much when you do have it actually suggests that maybe this relationship has simply come to the end of its natural life. Do you have children together? If not, you can probably walk away amicably; if you do have children then you will need to consider access arrangements.

[lottiebunny]

The physical cue is just a nice way of touching me. Somewhere in between a cuddle and a caress. Nothing filthy.

Would 2.5 years not give an indication of his libido? We had a good long while in the shagging like bunnies stage and then settled to a few times a week and now its a sex drought.

I don't think the relationship is nearing an end. I love him insane amounts and I know that he really does love me back. We don't have any children so I could walk away but I don't think that is the answer, I think we have a solid relationship with just a niggle. Of course, it could get worse but at the moment, I love him enough to be able to work it out.

[fedup1981]

I'm just off to bed so can't talk long but I just wanted to say get the tv out of the bedroom! Talk more, cuddle and tease more, the more often you talk about sex, your fantasies etc the more normal and easier it will become for him.

He doesn't sound very confident in bed, maybe you need to ham it up a little when he does touch you, make him feel like he doesn't even have to do much to turn you on and soon it will come more naturally for him to make the first move.

Not sure about the morning/afternoon/evening sex thing because we have this problem too (I have never had sex in the morning, why on earth anybody would want to before having a wee, brushing their teeth, eating something and checking their emails is just BEYOND me) but maybe a little compromise is in order? Him going to bed a little earlier so he's not as tired, you climbing on top in the middle of eastenders? lol

If all else fails, a vibrator can save time (how romantic) and add variation to stale sex lives. Sexy books, new lingerie, toys, a change of scenery or rules etc - good luck x

[lottiebunny]

He's mounted the 42" behemoth to the wall. It will be gone soon because he is moving and when we are no longer housesharing with complete morons I will suggest that the TV stays in the lounge.

You are right about the lack of confidence and I should be more encouraging of him to take charge.I will be hamming it up, thats a good idea. TBH, when he does I probably won't be needing to.

I do initiate sex often and in the back of my mind I think maybe this has made him lazy, he knows that I want sex more often than he does so he'll wait for me to initiate it.

I do have a large collection of vibes and he does like to use them on me. I did steal the bullet back this week to tide me over though.

[HolyGuacamole]

Oh yes, definitely no tv in the bedroom for starters!