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Relationships

will i ever be able to have sex again???

11 replies

alannabanana · 15/05/2009 23:15

so i had a lovely DS 5 months ago and in all that time my husband and i have only attempted to relight the bedroom flame once...and it was disasterous. we only had sex once while i was pregnant, so it had been a really REALLY long time.
this rubbish attempt was a couple of nights ago, we were both uber self-conscious and it kind of felt like we were forcing it and were just not 'feeling' it. the baby monitor didnt help coz we could hear all his little stirrings! also i couldn't get DH 'in' (too much info i know!) because it hurt loads and kind of felt like there was a lot less room in there if you get my drift. wasn't expecting that - i thought my bits would be looser if anything. plus i had to keep my bra on avec breast pads lest there be any leakage - lovely romantic notion that.
im despairing really because i would like to have sex again at some point (not least of all so we can have more kids!) but at this point i just don't know how we can ever get the groove back - it seems too far gone! and do i have the energy and inclination to work that hard to get it back?? ugghhh.

has anyone else been where i am now and made it the other side? is it possible to feel sexy again when you're little more than a sleep deprived milk machine? is there anything i can do to try and get the zing back into my libido?
help!!!

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Jenice · 15/05/2009 23:34

If it has been that long then take it slowly. There is no rush for full blown penetration. Start off by just getting close and cuddling then when you feel ready maybe move on to gentle stimulation of each other with your hand and lips. You can get quite a lot from that alone and it will give you a chance to get back in the swing of things. Small steps. When you are feeling ready for more then make sure that you have some lube at hand which can help with the difficulty of penetration. I bet it is nerves more than anything that is causing the problem with penetration as it has been a while and you are both feeling self-consious. You are not too far gone just a little out of practice but just remember this is the man you love and the father of your beautiful DS.

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thingamajig · 15/05/2009 23:38

Yes, it will get better, but it will take time. As you say, at the moment there are a hundred reasons why you don't feel like a sex goddess, but be assured, the time will come. My DD is now 16 months, my libido came back when I stopped BF, and DD now sleeps through mostly, so things have improved a lot.
Don't try to force things, wait till you are feeling happy and relaxed. DH and I did a lot of sessions of mutual masterbation (again TMI) and the first good sex just developed from there. Try using some lube, and switching the moniter off.
I'm sure it feels like forever at the moment but its only a few months till your body will be more normal again.

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lisad123 · 15/05/2009 23:44

try and relax, and take time. It took us a year to get back to "normal". If your bfing it can effect your natural fluids
Just spend some time together and it will come soon

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alannabanana · 16/05/2009 20:44

thanks ladies. the solidarity is most welcome!
its so funny discussing this (virtually!) because obviously its so personal but i kind of feel after you have a baby theres no holds barred really!
lube, check. rabbit friend, check. patience, check. the will to try again tonight?, we'll see

lisad - i suspected bfing might have something to do with it, good to have that confirmed. plus its really hard to feel sexy about your boobs when you know they nourish your sweet innocent child!

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MarlaSinger · 16/05/2009 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alannabanana · 16/05/2009 21:13

thanks marla - so glad im not alone on this one! its good to know that im not some kind of freak for not having had sex for the better part of a year...despite being married!

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shootfromthehip · 16/05/2009 21:20

If it's any consolation I was the same after DD and it took about a year. And then we both got really horny and that went on for about a year until I conceived DS. Another year to get it going again. And then lots of great sex again

Having a bit of a drought though at the moment. (DH working too many hours ) but I know it will pick up again.

Oh, and it's better thatn it was pre kids YAHH!!!!

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Feeltrapped · 17/05/2009 21:05

We have a 3 month old son and I could have written your post myself.

We tried once a couple of weeks ago and it was just as you described. We haven't tried again yet either. Also we didn't have sex for the last 3 months so has been over 6 months for us too!

I'm trying not to get hung up about it - we both have different prioroties at the moment, namely out gorgeous little bundle. I'm sure in time things will go back to normal, although suspect it will be sometime (if ever) before we are swinging from the chandeliers again!

Anyway just wanted you to know you're not alone!

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MrsTittleMouse · 17/05/2009 21:11

No, it's normal. A select lucky few are able to get back in the saddle early after childbirth but there are loads of us who can't. The vast vast majority are fine after giving it longer to heal and making sure that they have lots of wine and lots of lube. In the rare cases that things haven't gone back to where they were before then there is lots of help and support over on the Childbirth topic where those of us who had gazillions of stitches have lots of experience of getting things sorted out.

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womma · 17/05/2009 21:48

This sounds just like me and dh...it's not nice is it? It's good to hear that others have been there and got back to normal, fingers crossed we'll get there too.

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engelbart · 17/05/2009 23:07

yes you will. I had a horrendous birth- major tearing, loads of stitches (I have no idea how many but in a weird way I'd like to know...!) infection after infection and an awful tugging pain where I'd been stitched up to tight and not to mention feeling like everything was going to fall out of me for months. We tried sex 8 weeks after the birth and it was worse than childbirth, honestly I've never experienced pain like it!

HOWEVER, things are pretty much back to normal now and we are ttc number 2. It took me about a year to feel 100% but I think this is because of all the infections. As MrsTittleMouse rightly points out, the majority of women once healed don't have many problems.

5 months is still not that long, and though I hate to say it, the advice my consultant gave me is spot-on - the more sex you have, the more you loosen up making sex easier. It also takes a bit of time for scar tissue to shrink as well.

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