things getting bad again

[tooconfusedagain]

Brief history. h and i together 8 yeara, always storming relationship. Many things happend that i find it very hard to get over, always in my mind. Split up for a while and i came back nearly 4 weeks ago.

One of our issues was that dh doesn't take responsibility for arranging nights out and also shouting in from of ours ds. we were supposed to be be going out on sat, he said he;d book it all, restaurant, taxi. In past has got annoyed as i prompt him and says that therefore he never gets a chance to show he's remember.

Got to near time going out, he hadn't mentioned taxi so i was on edge. he insisted on know what was wrong and i siad i was anxious he wouldn't have done what he said. this of course prompted him to remember tax and i said he'd only remembered as i told him wahat was wrong. he got really angry and said it felt like a test, shouting in front of ds.

We did end up going out but i was still very upset and it ended up with me talkign about past things that had upset me. he then told me to pay for the meal and he was going back. So he went back and left me in town. When i came out of restaurant swa him sitiing on a bench and was so angry at being left told him to go away, so he did.

I know it's a silly issue but if it was importnat a dn he knew it and he siad he'd prove he's would - he didn't.

Barely speaking now

[junglist1]

He needs to grow up. He FAILED to do something, and then has a go at you for reminding him? He's acting like a big kid, you've only just gone back and already it's the same old dramas.

[tooconfusedagain]

He wasn't actually having a go at me reminding him this time. He said i should have told him what was wrong earlier in the day - the reason i didn't was that he said he wanted to arrange the taxi - i didn't wanted to remind him eariler - i was giving him a chance to do as he said.

he felt i was risking ruining the evening by not reminding him and then being upset about it

[tooconfusedagain]

Yes, not back long and already the same. very sad

[tooconfusedagain]

He's trying to act like nothing happened too - another thing that used to happen.

[Overmydeadbody]

You know, there is so much wrong in what you've writtewn in your post.

Going out with your DP on a saturday night is meant to be fun, and it cleasrly isn't, for either of you.

Without knowing all of the facts I don't want to post that you are probably both better off going your seperate ways, but that is my gut instinct from what you've said so far.

[Overmydeadbody]

SO why stay together then? what's the point?

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Look, give up on this relationship. It seems to be making you far more miserable than happy, so why persist with it? It sounds like the two of you are not what each other really wants (and TBH it sounds like he is not really interested in making an effort: he is one of these blokes who will snivel and promise to change in order to get the little woman to shut up for a bit, but can't be arsed to actually do so).

[Tortington]

it all actually sounds v. immature on both accounts - and seriously - its like creating drama for dramas sake.

if he has he organisaional skills of a gnat, then dear lord - just do it - is it really worth arguing and splitting up over

youhave to pick your battles, but darling - who on earth would pick this ?

unless this is a tiny blib in the relationship from hell - then in a wider context it might make more sense

but making an issue out of what is really - a non issue

is just rubbish, you beed your heads banging together.

[Mamazon]

why are you making such a big deal out of a night out? why does it have to be such hard work? its like your fircing yourselves to enjoy time together and your clearly not.

there is more to this than a forgotten taxi

[tooconfusedagain]

It doesn feel like he s not making much effort with the going out thing. It sounds trivial but he knows it important to me and we;ve even discussed it at length in counselling. the week after i came back, i left him a note asking him to come out for dinner as a belated birthday celebration ( we weren't together on his bday) and i arranged to meet a new babysitter and booked her. And he couldn't even book a taxi . he does have a very bad memory but i still feel v sad

[tooconfusedagain]

it not just about the forgotten taxi. it's his shouting in front of ds, shouting me down in arguments. refusal to talk. Most of out arguments are by text message phone. if i gets too much at home, he walks out and then won't discuss it when he gets back

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

Ask yourself this: is he really disorganised in all other aspects of his life (ie forgets when he is meeting his friends, gets into trouble for being disorganised at work etc) or is it just that he can't be arsed to make an effort for you?

[mayorquimby]

i'd agree with what someone else said above. it seems immature on both sides.

[tooconfusedagain]

He doesnt have any friends! he is forgetful at work and people have noticed. However he has a very senior job which requites alot of organisation skills - he sets up reminders on his laptop at work to remind hinself. If we're seeing his parents, he remembers to buy a bottle of wine ot take.

[tooconfusedagain]

I know it sounds immature, but that's how we are together. The counsellor said we seem to bring out the child in eachother

[HappyWoman]

sounds as if you are not having fun. Has your counsellor told you that by 'expecting the worst' it is more likely to happen and then at least you can be 'right'?

If he is crap at arranging a night out then do it yourself if you want to spend the evening with him.

It does sound as if you want him to pass some kind of test to prove to you that he has changed and clearly he hasnt. You either have to accept that he has these faults and learn to live with them or decide that it is not what you want and leave.
Sorry.

[MadameCastafiore]

Really - you are thinking of splitting because he didn't book a cab? On the other hand what is wring with your hands dear? Could you not pick up the phone and ring a taxi? Are you 4 years old?

Believe me things like this happen in relationships, really good relationships, and when you are grown up you realise that they are actually partnerships where you pull together and if you know someone has failings, because we all do, you cover those and vice versa.

You will never find a realtionship where this doesn't happen, so if you don;t get over this I think you will have to accept that you will always be wanting.

[junglist1]

But it seems like he's the childish one to me, because he complains she doesn't let him do anything and then cocks it up! I bet OP doesn't know if she's coming or going.

[tooconfusedagain]

Junglist1 Yes, that's how it feels. as

[unavailable]

"I was still very upset and it ended up with me talking about past things that had upset me."

Gosh, you were going for a meal. I am guessing it was supposed to be fun. You got stressed and upset about a taxi and then, when in the restaurant dredged up old grievances.If you'd wanted to have a miserable evening, wouldnt it have been cheaper to stay at home?

I am not surprised he walked out.

BTW, I find your phrasing odd - the way you distance yourself from the choice you made (ie, "it ended up with me talking"... instead of "I brought up/I began to talk..".

[mayorquimby]

"But it seems like he's the childish one to me, because he complains she doesn't let him do anything and then cocks it up! I bet OP doesn't know if she's coming or going"

that's why i said immature on both sides. because while he did cock up and act childish, she then sat around knowing something was wrong instead of addressing it and then spent the whole meal talking about his past fuck ups rather than letting it go and enjoying the night. it sounds as though she was actively trying to make the night a failure and ruin it.

[Overmydeadbody]

You too are not meant to be together, why on earth persist with this relatioship?!?!?

Could you not have just given him a gentle reminder of the taxi much earlier in the day by asking, nicely: "what time did you book the taxi for dear?" thus avoiding all the game playing?

I suspect this relationship is too far gone for anything other than game playing and drame though.

[Higgledyhouse]

why is it soooooo important for him to make an effort in an area of your relationship that he struggles with?

So he's crap at organising things and you have to do all of that! So what!

In my relationship I have to make all phone calls, deal with everything that can be considered 'paperwork', bills, mortgage, bank, schools, EVERYTHING! I'm sorry but it seems very petty on your behalf. On the other hand my DH built my house so that kinda makes up for it

Just except that he is crap, will probably forget anyhow and do it yourself! As long as he has good points does it really matter?

[tooconfusedagain]

He does have some good points but the past always gets in the way. I didn't mention the taxi earlier as he has said so many times he doesn't wnat to be reminded as he wants to show he can remember. The he says i'm testing him by not saying anything

[Lizzylou]

What about just playing to your strengths, you say nights out are important to you? You organise them then, let him do stuff that he is good at.
It all sounds so ridiculous, but I can see that you are in a bit of a catch 22, if you remind him then you're nagging, if he forgets then you are upset.
If you want to save this relationship then you need to compromise and stop acting like kids, as I say play to your strengths.