Different parenting = different rules

[MamaMeercat]

I am due to move in with my partner in a few weeks. He has residency of his 12 year old daughter and she barely sees her mother. I will be taking with me two boys.

One thing I'm concerned about is that we both have different ideas on parenting.

His DD gets away with so much. She terrorises the pets (but says she's just caring for them), she eats constantly and she doesn't do anything for herself.

My kids are taught to respect all animals, eat sensibly and have been taking care of themselves from a young age.

I'm worried it will cause conflict.

For instance his DD does not get her own breakfast, meals or drinks. Her dad does it all. He gets her clothes out and ready for her, takes her rubbish away for her etc.

My kids are expected to get their own breakfast and their own drinks. They get their own clothes and take away their own rubbish.

His DD is allowed to eat much more than she should. The other day she ate 2 of those microwave burgers and 2 microwave hotdogs in the space of a few hours. Take-away food a few times a week, chocolate after bed time, endless yogurts and treats ... my kids won't be allowed to eat half of what she eats and I know they will rebel against it when they see her eating so much more (and she's already overweight).

The other night, me and DP treat ourselves to a takeaway (rare night together). He said "DD will play hell when she finds out we've had a take-away without her" so I said "well, my kids probably won't be too impressed but that's life".

He agreed that the kids have to learn that they can't always have what we have ... yet in the next breath he's promising that he will buy her a takeaway the next time to make up for it! My kids were told "tough" basically.

If I bring this up with DP will I sound like the wicked step mother before I've even moved in?? the difference in rules is going to make things so hard.

[SerendipitousHarlot]

The thing is, you can't just lay down the law and expect him to toe the line. You'll have to discuss it and reach a compromise together. It'll be hard though, because it feels like criticism, doesn't it, when people don't like the way bring up your dc.

[AnyFucker]

are you the lady with the post recently about whether your 2 boys should have the bigger bedroom

I am going to be honest here

unless you get all this stuff sorted before you move in, and reach some workable compromise, then I see nothing but arguments and stress in your future relationship

< there goes the voice of doom >

seriously, kids will pick up any discrepancies in your approach and push it to the max

good luck x

[MamaMeercat]

That's what I'm worried about. I know I can't just go in and say "this is how I do things, so you're doing it all wrong" but his daughter is already overweight. It irritates me that he doesn't control what she eats when he knows her health is suffering, especially when he's suffered with weight problems in the past.

He keeps saying he is going to change her diet, I'm wondering if he's expecting me to do that when I move in. She's going to hate me if I suddenly put a stop to her late night treats etc.

[AnyFucker]

very difficult for you

have you posted even before this week about your dp, his weight issues and his daughter?

or am I getting mixed up?

what does your dp say when you broach the whole subject with him?

I can see a potential house divide here....

[SerendipitousHarlot]

I can as well. From what you've posted before (if it is you) there are a few issues that need to get sorted before you move in. It's that kind of stuff that causes a massive divide.

[PortoPandemico]

I think (as a past dsd) a family meeting is called for BEFORE you move in. Get some of this stuff hammered out and the necessary compromises made first up. Then continue to have them, once a month or so. Everyone gets a say etc etc. Its SO important for the dcs all to have a voice in what's going on.

[AnyFucker]

could you have a family conference, with some sort of "agenda" agreed with you and dp beforehand (so it doesn't descend into petty niggles and nothing gets sorted...)

[PortoPandemico]

I was just thinking about what I found hardest as a stepchild, and the biggest thing was probably Xmas. My dad couldn't be arsed and left it to my SM. (Who I really liked by the way). But at Xmas, dsis and I would get a jumper or a CD and the younger step sisters always had HUGE barbie stuff, or as we all got older, TVs, stereos etc. I would agree on equal expenditure on all dcs......

[missingtheaction]

You are NUTS to be even thinking of moving in. You are moving in with his DD as much as him, and more importantly you are moving your DSs in with him and with her. It's not fair on any of the kids. You can't all live in the same house with separate rules for the kids.

I think it will all end in tears - including tears for your DSs. Don't do it!

[AnyFucker]

missingtheaction, I was trying to be tactful but that is exactly what I thought too !

disaster waiting to happen

I'm not sure what the solution is though apart from thrashing it all out before you move in

There are no guarantees that everyone will stick to the rules though

Maybe you will just have to try it and see

Is there anyway you can move in wihout leaving ourself no way back? Rent your house instead of sell, for example (sorry, dunno your situation)

Bleeugh, that sounds so negative though

[piscesmoon]

Don't do it unless you can sort it out before you move in, or it will lead to endless heartaches.
I would have a family meeting with all of you. Explain that there will have to be ground rules that everyone sticks to. Draw them up together.
If you go ahead on this basis I would be very formal and have a weekly family meeting with an agenda-they can write down what they want to discuss but have to discuss it.
I wouldn't just hope for the best-I don't think you will get it.

[piscesmoon]

Sorry-I meant stick to the agenda.

[junglist1]

Terrorises pets? Sorry, that's disgusting. I wouldn't have that sort of child anywhere near my kids.