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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What if anything should I do?

54 replies

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 17:25

I have a friend, she is also a neighbor. Ours is a relatively new friendship. But I do feel like we have a very close friendship already.

She has confided in me some things about her life, which by all means hasn't been an easy one. I like to think that she can talk to me about anything and for me to listen.

Lately I have noticed that she is drinking a huge amount, not just in the evenings but all day.

She has a DD under the age of 1yo (I don't want to put specifics just in case she is a Mner, although I don't think she is)

Her DH is obviously worried about her drinking (as am I) as he has just popped here to see if there is anything I can do and to get some advice from me.

He has come home from work today (I only walked in the house about 45 minutes ago myself) and she is almost passed out on the sofa. She has had 3 bottles of wine since I saw her this morning and then gone out to get another once her DH had come home.

She has told me before that she will drink every day/night, but that she is not worried about it. She just doesn't like the fact that her DH doesn't like her drinking.

I don't know what, if anything, I should/could do.

I am worried for her and worried for her DD when she is alone in the day.

Any advice would be welcome please.

OP posts:

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insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 17:53

Bump.

OP posts:

llareggub · 05/05/2009 17:57

Don't do anything but be there for her if she ever decides to stop drinking. Let her know that too.

My DH is an alcoholic but has been dry for 2 years. He only gave up when he acknowledged that he had a problem. We'd told him before but he denied it.

If she'll go, get her to call the AA but she'll probably deny that she is one. They really are the best people to help.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 18:05

Thank you. I have told her before that if she ever wants to talk that she can talk to me. TBH I believe that she does feel that she has a problem but is too scared to admit it. I get that just from little things she says.

She has asked me before if I think that 2-3 bottles of wine a day/night are a lot. I just said that IMHO yes it is but that everybody has a different take on things like that.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 05/05/2009 18:08

Have you asked her why she drinks so much?

Does she drive afterwards?

Is the child well looked after?

IIRC I read about a mum who drank a lot, Dad couldn't do anything and he came home and found her dead on the sofa.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 18:13

She doesn't drive at all and they don't have a car so I am not worried about that.

No I haven't asked her why she drinks so much, but she has said in convo before that she likes to drink because of the happy feeling it gives her after the first bottle or so kicks in

Her DD looks and seems well cared for, but surely if the mum is nearly passed out from drink when her DH comes home then the child is not actually being looked after in that sense.
I have never been in that situation (I am not a big drinker anyways and pg at the mo) so I don't know if someone can have that much to drink but still reasonably look after (I mean physically look after) a child.

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insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 18:16

She has told me she used to do drugs and has been off them for the past 4.5 years so far, I told her how well she is doing to get that far.
She has told me things about her life which are awful and I personally think she is using the drink to block out her past. I think she used the drugs and now the drink.

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llareggub · 05/05/2009 18:31

I bet she is drinking more than she has admitted to you.

There isn't really a lot you can do. Her DH (and you maybe) might find Al-anon helpful.

tellnoone · 05/05/2009 19:04

I don't think you should do nothing. I think you should ring the health visitor because if someone is drinking that much with an under 1 year old it's rubbish that the child is well cared for. Seriously. The woman needs help before something bad happens to the baby.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 19:10

do you really think that she will be drinking more than she is letting on? I thought 2-3 bottles of wine sounded extremely excessive but I suppose I am not in her state of mind.

I will suggest al-anon to her DH, he seems lost by it all TBH.

Thank you all.

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insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 19:13

tellnoone, that is what I was worried about in my heart of hearts. Her DD does seem well cared for but then how well cared for can she be if her mum is that drunk in the daytime (or at anytime TBH when a person is in sole charge of a baby/child)

Her DH doesn't seem to be worried about his DD (obviously he will be but maybe not showing it to me). It is so hard looking in from the outside and knowing that I cannot do anything for her IYSWIM. Her DH must be devastated.

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NewLeaseofLife · 05/05/2009 19:14

She has a young child that she is in charge of on her own during the day?
You have duty to the child to put something in action. The father should not be leaving the child with her. Social services!

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 19:17

Seriously do you think I should contact SS . I honestly don't know what to do for the best.

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NewLeaseofLife · 05/05/2009 19:21

I really do. By all means wait and see what others have to say but if it were me I would not hesitate. I understand that te situation is difficult but the child is in danger if the mother is in sole charge throughout the day and is under the influence. Your duty is to the child.
You can ring ss andask for an anonomous (sp) consult, you dont have to give details but they can advise the best action. You should be able to get the number from your local council website.

tellnoone · 05/05/2009 19:22

Your friend needs help and someone has already said alcoholics need to admit their problem and get out of denial. This might take a long time. Her baby is potentially at risk in the meantime. If a health visitor were to pop round unannounced after a tip-off maybe the HV might see the reality of what is going on. If all is well fine but if things are not right hopefully the HV could help.

NewLeaseofLife · 05/05/2009 19:30

Another way to look at is this..would you leave your child with this woman in this state? If you did leave your child with this woman and then discovered the amount she had been drinking, how would you feel? what would you do?

(Disclaimer - I am not implying you would ever leave your child in a situation like this)

Please act somehow. Dont leave this without doing anything.

SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2009 19:38

I agree with the others. We have all made mistakes with our dc, none of us are perfect - but this is different. She is endangering the childs safety and if something were to happen to her dd, you would never forgive yourself.

mrsboogie · 05/05/2009 20:01

Oh god, three bottles of wine in a day is very very bad, even if she has developed a really high tolerance she will not be fit to be in charge of a baby. She could fall down the stairs carrying the child or fall asleep on top of her and kill her. If she asks you for your view on the amount she is drinking then she is at least considering that she drinks too much. You should think about giving her a stronger message about how extreme her drinking is.

She is doing terrible damage to herself - if she carries on drinking at this rate she will not live to see her child go to school.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 20:04

No I wouldn't leave my DD with her, she has offered many times as I am having a very difficult pg and have needed the help TBH. Lucky for me though I have my mum around for that.

I would be devastated if anything happened to her DD, I will contact SS. Will there be someone there tonight or should I do it tomorrow? Her DH is home now, but they have both been out in the street arguing. (sounds even worse now doesn't it)

She needs help and I just didn't want to jump to the SS conclusion to quickly IYSWIM.

How on earth do I even contact SS??

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SerendipitousHarlot · 05/05/2009 20:07

What about speaking to the couple, together, first? Are they ok to talk to?

pottycock · 05/05/2009 20:10

Call the HV? You must tell someone, there is no way her child is safe if she's drinking like this. Very sad.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 20:13

I don't think she would take kindly to me talking to them about this TBH.

I think her DH would, but not her.

They tend to argue ALOT and in the street also, I expect it is when she is drunk cos when she is sober she is fantastic to be around. She is a lovely person and fun to be around IYSWIM. She changes to this drunken, nasty (I know it sounds horrible me saying this of a friend) person.

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insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 20:16

How do I find out who her HV is? I don't even know who mine is I have only ever seen her once but the HV I saw has since retired.

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pottycock · 05/05/2009 20:16

If I were you I would DEFINITELY not be tackling this as some sort of mediator...you're not qualified to do that, and you have to live very near them.

I'd have a quiet, supportive word with either the HV or social services and let them deal with this.

Very very difficult situation for you but your priority must be the welfare of her baby.

pottycock · 05/05/2009 20:17

You'll find out through your local surgery I would think.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 05/05/2009 20:38

I have found the number for SS on the local council website, I have been calling but no one is answering. I will call tomorrow, I thought they would have had an out of hours number or something like that.

Her DH is home now so I am non to worried about their DD, but I will call tomorrow. Can I be anonymous when I call SS?

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