I don't find DP's body attractive any more

[whatdoyouthinky]

I've name changed because DP knows my MN name. I feel awful saying this because I love DP to bits but I seem to have gone off him physically. We have two DCs (2.8 years and 15 weeks) so I am always tired and don't often feel like sex lately. But when I do feel in the mood, when I see DP's body it stops me feeling in the mood IYSWIM. I find his face attractive and his personality, and he is brilliant with the DCs and so kind to me, but he has started to put on a lot of weight recently. As I said, I feel awful saying it, especially as I've put on weight too since having kids and it doesn't bother him at all (well I don't think it does!) but I am making an effort to try to get back into shape, but he isn't, which is fine if he is happy with how he looks. So it must be my problem, I am being shallow. I really don't think I can say anything to him about it without him being offended (if he told me he didn't like me being a bit fatter I wouldn't like it!) so I need to find ways of finding his body attractive again. Any ideas? (or anyone want to tell me to stop being horrible!)

[whatdoyouthinky]

Sorry about lack of paragraphs!

[nickytwotimes]

Hmm, well, I don't think you are being horrible. I think you are trying to NOT be horrible, which is a good thing imo.
Personally, dh and I are both not the fine figures of fitness we used to be, but neither of us mind - we are just grateful that someone wants a shag. I am jesting, but you get my point?

Perhaps you have gone off his body because you have gone off sex?

Perhaps you could view him as a grown up father of two who, like you and me and my dh is not as firm and slim as he once was, but who is nontheless an attractive person?

[whatdoyouthinky]

I think you're right - I have gone off sex. But I'm finding it difficult to work out whether I've gone off sex or gone off sex with DP. I'm hoping its just sex generally because I don't think my feelings towards DP have changed (although when I'm tired/stressed/etc I do tend to take things out on him). But I do find other men attractive (not that I would ever do anything about it) so worrying about not finding DP so attractive. I know there have been loads of threads about going off sex especially after having babies - most seem to recommend the more you have the more you want, but I just can't seem to get myself into the mood to have sex with DP.

[OrmIrian]

I feel similarly about my DP. He is a great bloke, funny, intelligent, kind etc. We have our ups and downs but largely we get on really well and I love him. But he has put on loads of weight in the last few years. He goes to the gym but doesn't do the right sort of stuff to lose weight IMO and eats quite a lot. So I confess that I find it less than appealing to have sex with him - mind you my libido is fairly minimal these days anyway - but don't know what I can do about it. I tend to just ignore it TBH. Concentrate on the things about him that I do like.

[nickytwotimes]

I find the more we have, the more I want, so there may be something in it.
DO you tned to just see him as the Good Daddy now? Like some guys with their ohs? I am not judging you btw! It is good to try to work these things out on here sometimes.

[whatdoyouthinky]

I do see him as a father, but still as my partner I think. He has recently started working a lot more (he works from home so he is around but always in office) which is good in that he is getting more work which helps while I'm on mat leave, but it means he is quite stressed and we don't seem to have any fun together, just both slump in front of the telly at the end of the day, which I'm sure is quite common!

What I would really like is if we could do some kind of exercise/sport together (not just the bed kind before anyone comments!!) because when I go for a run or whatever I feel great afterwards and if we both felt like that together I think it would help us feel closer physically. Only problem is finding exercise we both like and finding someone to look after the children on a regular basis while we do it.

[Overmydeadbody]

How about cycling together as a family? You could get child seats for your two LOs and then you wouldn't need babysitters.

I have to admit I would find it a real struggle to find an overweight man attractive, but I don't think we're really in control of who we find physically attractive so don't feel guilty about this.

[2rebecca]

I wouldn't fancy my bloke if he became fat and flabby. I'd still love him, but I fancy fit sporty blokes so fat just doesn't do it for me. Bloke feels the same about fat women. I would discuss it with him, maybe say you fancied him more when he was slimmer and maybe he feels the same about you and that you both go on a fitness regime to get yourselves trim again. To lose weight you need aerobic exercise like cycling, brisk walking, hill walking or jogging. Pushing weights at the gym won't help, he needs to get on the running machine for at least 20 minutes.

[ohdearwhatnext]

please see my post which is slightly further down the page- Does anyone else have any experience of this"...

I will be watching your thrread with interest.

[MaeBee]

hello ohdear, i've started reading this one too!
it seems that fancying/not fancying dp's is common enough on mumsnet. my dp is 2 stone overweight too. i don't think that bothers me so much, but he sees a huge difference in us in terms of attractiveness (i mean, i am drop dead gorgeous! ) and that makes him less confident and more needy which so puts me off...