advice please

[intodeep]

k bit of background and yes I have namechanged for this one

Ok i met a man throught the internet we talked over yahoo just about every day and shared everything good and bad .

We then moved to the next step and met up im in the uk hes in the us.we had a week together and everything was fantastic.

I knew when we first started talking that he was married but seperated they have 3 kids together 2 with asd .Things carried on with us talking and meeting again.

But he admitted that his wife had moved back in because he could not afford the costs of running 2 houses and she was always there seeing to kids while hes at work he works 2 jobs to support them.She sleeps in the bedroom he sleepson the couch yes a cliche i know

i know sensiable thing would been to walk away at this point but by then i was in to deep,

hs been great was there when my dad died when my dd was ill when my ds was dx with some major problmes even there while i have been very ill .

I know its going be some time before things can change as were in 2 countrys and the state hes in has very strict divoice laws and you have to selleverything and split it all which would mean the kids would end up with nothing and nowhere to live and hes a good dad loves his kids to bits and truth if he would walk away fromthem without a toss i would not want him iykwim.

Do I carry on takin what I can 4 or 5 visits a year ,but we do talk every night for several hrs so we do have a very close emtionalbond and yes i do know for most women that hurtsmore than a sexual one

I knowshouldo the decent thinga nd walk away but so confused as i genuiley do love him and never felt this way about anyone

[FabulousBakerGirl]

If it is real, wait fo him to be free, otherwise you will only get hurt.

[unavailable]

Sorry, but its a cliche for a reason (ie its a lie).

If he really is being honest did he tell his (ex)wife about coming to visit you? Does she know of your existance? Have you spoken to her on the phone, as they live in the same house?

[intodeep]

yes she did know he came over to see me ,have never spoken to her on the phone but i do have both his mobile and home number and thats what confuses me that he gave them both to me without a problem and yes i have called him at home , so if i was his dirty secret why would he have given them to me .

oh and its not anew thing been 2 1/2 years , have tried to walk away before but it hurt so bad .

but guessdeep down know what i should do otherwise would not even be asking

[intodeep]

i been to see him to but obviously not stayed at his house

[intodeep]

i been to see him to but obviously not stayed at his house

[FabulousBakerGirl]

2 1/2 years is nothing compared to the life time of love you will have with the man who is right for you and free to be with you.

[intodeep]

tried that ended up with a painfull divoice and 4 dc , guess i need to start looking at making a new life but at 35 just seems so hard especially as 2 of my dcs have sn and realistally know it would be a lot for most men to take on

always thought I would be last person to ned up like this normally strong but when it comes to him iam not

[howtotellmum]

What does he want? Does he want you to "wait" or does he not talk about your future together?

[aprilflowers]

Please get out for all concerned.
If everything is as he says it is why dont you tell him you would like to meet his wife to make sure she is happy with the arrangement. If he fobs you off - then you have your answer. If he cares for his children that much he can sign his house over to them and start again - many people have.
If you speak on the phone - check it really is her

[intodeep]

we do talk about a future together but is hard as obviously were along distance apart and his eldest dd is severly autisc and he loves his kids and knows that there is no their mum would cope with the ds on her own and truth would kill him toleave them to .

He worries about her long term future ,wedid try not talking no contact but both could not do it , its not just the physical side its the emtional support we ge from each other

hesnot forcing me to wait told me he would understand if i met someone else but trouble is ~I don`t want anyone else

[howtotellmum]

where is his wife when he is talking to your for hours?

Personally, I think some of the asnwers you are getting are a bit harsh. It does seem a bit odd- but therea re couples in the UK who are separated but live in the same house.

The thing is- is he promising you anything, or is it all just a pleasant distraction and an ego boost for him?

Has he ever talked of you being together?

Can you not cut back on your contact, get on with your life in the UK and meet other men, and see what happens? Maybe you are just being too available so that he doesn't have to try too much and is taking you for granted?

I know how hard it is if you love someone, but imo you have 2 choices: wait for him and see if he leaves her- and if that is for you- or let it go and find another free man.

[intodeep]

its the leaving of his dc he would gladly sign house over to her and pay matinace , when they split before he was paying for both houses and bills but shemoved back as he could not afford the 2 lots of homes and bills

[howtotellmum]

sorry, x-ed posts!

From what you say, it seems unlikely he is willing to make the break, or at least for some time.

meanwhile, are you happy to have what you have now- or do you want more?

[howtotellmum]

you are saying 2 different htings- on the one hadn you say he can't leave because of his children, on the other you say he can't afford to run 2 homes, yet he did for a while then SHE came back. Can't his wife get a job to support herself, which is what will happen if they divorce? Or he will have to pay maintainance. What you have said does not stack up- maybe I have missed the point?

He doesn't seem willing to find any solution that means he can be with you- it's either money problems, DC problems or wife problems- where do his feelings for you fit in?

[aprilflowers]

Sorry intodeep - thats the message men give over and over again - sounds a lot better than I want my cake and eat it.
You are not doing the children any favours neither is he
I now that sounds harsh but the misery that is going to be inflicted if his wife thinks they are making a go of the marriage is enormous
Speak to her - get the truth - then make up your own mind

[intodeep]

we talk via instant messangr whiles hes at work and n skype whenhes home shes either in lounge or shes goes out for thenight once he gets home from work .
yes wedo talk of being together and trying to look at differnt ways

not helped as we both have dc and differnt countries

in state he lives in thy will not allow him to sign the house over they would have to sell it and way things are atm its a no go

Guess I need to start trying to make myself alife and meeting other people but noidea where to even begin as cant get babysitter for dc .

i turned into one of those women i usd to look a and wonder how they got themselves into that situation

[howtotellmum]

I think you need to be realistic- long distance relationships are always going to be tricky. Not only is he in another country, he is married with DCs who have SN. Is it really worth persuing this one?

[intodeep]

she is a stay at home mum and has mad eit clear that she wll not work shes not worked sice they got marriedbefore dc as well.

2 older dc are in f/t school youngest dc is p/t to september but goes to a cm on 3 afternoon sessons a week

and your right think i need to start building myself a life case of if he really wants me he would find a way

[howtotellmum]

I really feel for you, having been in a kind of similar situation. it is very hard whenyou have an deep emotional attachment.

Maybe you can TRY to start thinking of him as a friend, cutting back the contact gradually, shorter calls, not so often etc etc and building up your social life- not so much tomeet men, but to get out and about, meet other Mums who can babysit etc and get a life.

35 is still Very YOUNG- so try to be positive.
(((hugs)))

[intodeep]

its the emtional support i would miss hes been there through couple of very rough times when ds was dx with sn and dd with a serious illness that has far reaching consequences not made any demands just listerned

think tahst hardest things as do have the dc and next to impossiable to get out without them due to no family and none who could cope with looking afterthem

someone please kick my arse and tell me to get a life

[howtotellmum]

what about friends to support you- it doesn't have to be a bloke!

[beanieb]

Would you be prepared to move to the US to be with him?

[intodeep]

lot of my friends faded away when first my marriage broke up then ds was dx with sn .mix of that and that could rarely get out for anight and when i did could not get rat arsed as knew tha ds be awake several times in the night.

Yes I would we have talked about this,and how to do it , only way I could get in would be for me to marry him becuase of the visa requirments ,hes scared that if he divoices hr she will take the dc and move back to her parents which is along distance away and sad thing is I lov him enough not to put pressure on becaus eknow would destroy us if he lost the dcs

thing is if i was readin this would be thinking walk away but not so easy to do know tat now

[FabulousBakerGirl]

You might love him enough not to pressure him but you don't love yourself enough to know you deserve your own free man.