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Relationships

Not sure what to say to db's exgf who is also a friend.

27 replies

melancholymum · 04/05/2009 11:46

To cut a very long story into a slightly shorter one:

I was very good friends with a girl from school who has always been a bit of an attention seeker, can be argumentative, quite self-obsessed in that every conversation is turned round to be about her and so, when I was about 18/19 I decided enough was enough and that nights out with her always ended up with me cringing at her behaviour or trying to control a fight that she had provoked. During this period she had a bit of a thing with my bro who is 3 years older, it didn't last long.

Anyway, she contacted me through Facebook just over a year ago and I decided to meet up with her again. We had a few of good nights out and as I am very close to my db he was also with us on a couple of occassions. I then found out, despite the fact db was with a lovely girl, friend and db started seeing each other. Db ended the relationship with the other girl and I was the only one who knew that he had beens seeing my friend behind her back. I was not happy - told both of them that they were being selfish and should never have got into that position in the first place. They told me to mind my own business in the nicest possible way so I did.

Friend moved in with db about 4mths ago and I have been noticing more and more that db makes excuses not to go out with his friends, was quite miserable, always making excuses for friend's behaviour (she always made a seen or started arguments when out). Then, went to a birthday night out a couple of weeks ago, friend caused a seen again and stormed out telling db it was over. Since then, she moved into the spare room.

I got a text from friend saying that db had slept with another girl at the party. She was going loopy. Spoke to db who said he had not slept with anyone but had kissed a girl and exchanged numbers, said girl had text a couple of times and friend read his texts and assumed the worst. Db is not interested in this other girl, he feels awful about the situation, has apologised to friend but then he admitted she came into the bedroom in the middle of the night after finding the text and booted him in the back then carried on punching and kicking him.

I was furious, told db that no matter who was in the wrong or how angry someone got she shouldn't have attacked him and domestic violence is just that, regardless who throws the punches. He said, no I deserved it and that's not even an issue

Friend has admitted she hit him to me in a brief phone conversation I had with her, I didn't say anything and am mad at myself for not reacting towards the statement. She has also said she will be going back to the doctors (she has been on ADs longterm, came off them about 6mths ago) and that she knows she has got an anger problem and is very insecure.

Db has asked for some space, she is now living with her mum despite wanting to stay with me but I didn't think it was appropriate. I know she is constantly texting/phoning db, one minute begging to go home, the next minute accusing him of all sorts.

Obviously, despite the fact whether db should have kissed this girl or not (and I know it was a one off) I fully support him and can't bare to see him upset. Friend has tried contacting me the past few days (even to the point she rang me at my mums yesterday whilst I was trying to enjoy a family BBQ. I keep putting off the converstaion as, firstly, I don't want to listen to her slag off my db, secondly, I am so mad at her hitting him and how they have both played down the fact that that, in itself, is a HUGE issue, thirdly I feel like I should try to support her too as she is a friend and is clearly in a very low place. I don't know how to handle this

Thanks, if you could be bothered to read all that!!

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ilove · 04/05/2009 11:48

Ummm....in the kindest possible way, it is nowt to do with you. They need to sort it out themselves.

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Curiousmama · 04/05/2009 11:52

Blimey what a headache! I'd try to sit on the fence as much as you can as if you side with either one and they get back on track could cause hostility. I know it's your brother but it could be best to stay out of it and I'd explain that to both of them.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 11:53

Precisely Ilove, and I would be soooo glad to agree with that. Have told friend it is nothing to do with me but she keeps texting asking if I knew this? did I know that? etc. I actually want her to not contact me. DH can't stand her but I have a feeling db will get back with her and I will then obviously be seeing lots of her again. If I turn my back fully it will make for a very awkward time in the future.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 11:54

She also doesn't have many friends and will probably be feeling very alone through all this.

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Curiousmama · 04/05/2009 11:56

Sorry but she maybe doesn't have many friends for a reason? Don't be manipulated, I've been there and can recognise her behaviour. She may need Ads but so do a lot of people. I think it'll cause you too many problems and she isn't being fair.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 11:58

Curiousmama, you sound very much like a friend I confided in last night, which is why I asked for opinions on here as I think that may be the case but would feel so guilty not listening to her worries. But then I am mad at her too, how dare she bray my db?? If it was the other way round......

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edam · 04/05/2009 12:02

I'd say your 'friend' is trouble. Your brother is far more important to you. And that's before you add the domestic violence into the mix...

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Curiousmama · 04/05/2009 12:17

it was me melancholymum didn't you know I was a mumsnetter JOKE

I'd be pressing silent every time she rang and ignore her texts. But it's up to you at the end of the day?

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HolyGuacamole · 04/05/2009 12:22

I'd stay out of it. It will get to a point where you have to take sides....or rather, that is what is happening just now.

I'd tell them both that you don't want to hear anymore about it, that they need to grow up and sort their lives out. Of course you are there for your brother, but, he has not exactly acted like an angel. I am NOT making excuses for her violence at all, all I am saying is that there are huge faults on both sides, the best thing they could do is split up but that is up to them to decide. Tell your brother you will support him no matter what he does in his life but that you can't be getting stuck in the middle.

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Buda · 04/05/2009 12:43

You stopped being friends with her before for a reason. This situation clarifies that reasoning.

It's a shame your brother got involved but at the end of the day he is an adult. I would be honest with him about your reasons for stopping contact then and now. After that it is up to him.

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FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/05/2009 12:48

YOu distanced herself once for good reason, you need to do that again, to be honest she doesn't sound like the sort of person I would want to be frinds with, she sounds as if she is a manipulating, attention seeking and life sucking person. I had one of those and she is now out of my life. I am polite when I see her but don't go out of my way.

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MmeLindt · 04/05/2009 12:53

Tell them both that you are not going to be piggy-in-the-middle. They have to sort their life out without involving you.

Break off contact with your friend. Tell her to stop contacting you as you don't want to be disloyal to either her nor him and then do not answer her texts again.

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beanieb · 04/05/2009 12:58

They need to sort it out themselves i recon. Probably she is consumed with jealousy and worry about his behaviour particularly given the way they got together. I expect she finds it hard to trust him given that he has a history of cheating.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 13:33

Thanks for your replies. Everyone of you has managed to capture exactly the point. Life sucking was a good reference, I often feel like that after an evening with her

She will undoubtedly try to call me today. You are right, I will be honest. She said herself she would keep her distance as it must be awkward for me then an hour later rang me to ask where db was on such a such date. I told her then that I didn't want involvment but she later rang crying (whilst I was at mums) I said there was a houseful and it wasn't a good time. I did feel guilty about that but it was true.

I appreciate all your comments. I know what I need to do I just need to follow it through and stop being such a sap, they will start playing me off against each other if I'm not careful, I know that.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 17:33

I chickened out answering the phone, have just seen a FB message asking her to ring me. Is it really cowardly to reply via FB and avoid being sucked in over the phone? And if it isn't anyone fancy drafting me a reply?

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FabulousBakerGirl · 04/05/2009 17:40

Your loyalties have to be to your brother, imo, and you need to step back and tell this girl you are not having any contact with her while she is being like this.

She shouldn't have physically assaulted your brother and it is all wrong that women can hit men and seem to get away with it in a way that men wouldn't if they had hit her.

No doubt your brother feels embarrassed to be hit by a girl and won't do anything about it.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 17:42

Asking me to ring her should I say!!

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FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/05/2009 18:15

Can I ask what was your borther like before he went out with her. Did his personality change at all?

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DeeBlindMice · 04/05/2009 18:28

It sounds like this girl is not very stable and going out with a cheating, lying asshole like your brother has sent her over the edge.

They are bad for each other, but it's not your fight.

I would cut off contact with her and bar him from ever having any kind of romantic relationship with anyone I considered a friend. In fact I'd probably make sure he never met any of my single friends.

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melancholymum · 04/05/2009 19:13

Thanks for your input DeeBlindMice, I don't actually believe I asked for people to give me an opinion on my brother, your comments are very helpful

For the benefit of FiveGoMad and anybody else who decided not to go down the whole 'your brother's an asshole' route I will give you a little background info on my db. He was in a relationship with a girl for 3yrs, she cheated on him, fell pg with the person she had the affair with, split up with my db then it all went tits up for her. She begged db's forgiveness and he took her back, he welcomed her 3mth old dd with open arms which I thought was stupid but admirable. She cheated on him again, numerous times, he found out 5 years later and ended the relationship. He later met Becky (the lovely girl) but admitted to me a few months into the relationship that there was no 'spark'- then along came 'friend'.

So yes, he is a cheat and I am not proud if him, nor is he and I know this thread is not so much about him and I shouldn't have to defend him but clearly I will.

Hence the reason I will find it very difficult to have a conversation with 'friend' knowing what has gone on. I really wish I could be kept out of it but I will have to speak to her sooner rather than later I guess.

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Curiousmama · 04/05/2009 21:18

Hope it goes well for you melancholymum I know it isn't easy but better to say something now than have to keep avoiding her.She needs to learn her behaviour isn't acceptable. She sounds very insecure but it's up to her how she heals herself you can't do it for her.

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FiveGoMadInDorset · 04/05/2009 21:25

I really do think you need to give your DB the benefit of the doubt. Sounds like he hasn't had an eay ride and I do think your 'friend' has taken advantage of him.

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ravenAK · 04/05/2009 21:27

I think I'd completely stonewall her tbh.

Whenever she contacts you, just reply 'Sorry, but it's nothing to do with me & I don't want to take sides'

Otherwise it'll only cause problems between you & db...if they do get back together, you've still done the right thing by keeping out of it.

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 04/05/2009 21:44

I think you need the broken record technique!

"I am not getting involved in your relationship with my brother. I am not taking sides, you must talk to my brother and not me."

every single time she tries to talk to you about it.

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Snorbs · 04/05/2009 21:53

MM, yes your brother has been a bit of a cheating twunt. That's not on, IMO, but that's not your business.

Most importantly, it doesn't justify your "friend's" violence towards him. That goes way beyond being a bit of a twunt and well into psycho nut-job territory. Her behaviour on nights out etc just confirms it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd cut off contact with scary psycho "friend". Just stop responding to calls, texts etc. Then gently let your brother know that, even though you don't approve of all of his choices, that he doesn't deserve to be treated as badly as she's been treating him and that if he needs help in extricating himself from this mess, you'll help. In other words, approach this as you would approach any of your friends who are in an abusive relationship.

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