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Relationships

If children learn most about healthy relationships aged 3 to 6 (and mostly from their parents), what can be done when a family breaks down around this crucial age?

4 replies

honeydews · 03/05/2009 23:02

"Children model their future relationships on those that they see [in relationships - primarily their parents] aged about 3 to 6, so actually this time [age 3 to 6] is crucial for them not to be brought up in an unhealthy environment." RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion, writing on another thread. I have come across this before, but had forgotten about it.

So, for those of us who find ourselves in dysfunctional relationships, spanning this critical age in our children, is there anything we can do to make amends?

DS was three and five months when his dad and I separated. We have been trying, on and off, to reconcile since. DS is now nearly five, and I think we're finally calling it a day, though not for want of trying. We both wanted to do all we could to keep the family together, but in fact we could have done more harm than good in persevering for so long - giving DS an unstable, ill-defined and at times tense relationship model during his 'romantic phase'. Whatever can I do to compensate? I feel I have let DS down and 'missed the boat' WRT giving him the best chance of a healthy relationship himself.

OP posts:
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Alambil · 03/05/2009 23:26

Well, he'll see you in healthy relationships with other people - not just his father

I left my ex when DS was 6 months old and he's now 6.5 and I've been single all this time - does that mean he's going to grow up not knowing what a loving relationship is? I don't think so; not one little bit

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Snorbs · 04/05/2009 00:18

Children learn from the relationships that are modelled to them from all sorts of places and at all sorts of times. I wouldn't get too hung up on the 3-6yo thing.

Instability and uncertainty aren't great for a child but neither do they condemn a child to a life of misery and pain. Looked at another way, what you have modeled to your DS is "If you're in a relationship with children, you give it your best shot and try damn hard to make it work but, ultimately, if you've tried your best but the relationship is doomed then it's best to call it quits and try for a better, happier life apart." That's a valuable lesson in itself.

My personal belief is that how the parent treats the child has more effect than anything else. If you treat your child with love and respect and expecting to be treated the same, then your child will be more inclined to look for that in their future relationships.

Finally, I truly believe that no matter how you raise your children, they'll have some hang-ups, insecurities and worries. That's just part of being human. Even if you modelled the most theoretically perfect and loving of relationships between the parents, then the child(ren) can then end up feeling that they'll never be able to attain that for themselves...

The most valuable lesson you can teach your kids isn't how to be perfect, but how to deal with the crap that life throws at you. Again, you're doing that already.

The best thing you can do from here is to try to minimise any continuing conflict with DS's dad and, in particular, try not to let any such conflict spill over onto contact arrangements in the future. When parents split up children tend to want two things - first, that their parents will get back together (a natural feeling but, over time, it is one they can come to terms with) and second, that they can rely on the non-resident parent to be in frequent, predictable and reliable contact.

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CJCregg · 04/05/2009 00:28

honeydews, so glad you've started this thread. I also picked up on that comment and have been torturing myself all evening about ruining my DCs' chances of forming relationships - split with DH last year, DS is nearly 6, DD nearly 4. Nightmare!

We also hung in there for a while, but it didn't work out. Can't help feeling that all the DCs have witnessed in the past year is stress, although we've tried to keep arguments and tension between us and not in front of them. They pick up on so much, though, they're bound to think a 'normal' relationship is gritted teeth and keeping up appearances.

Really interested to hear what anyone else thinks.

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Vaguely · 04/05/2009 00:39

statements like that can only be vague guides at best imo.

my parents were together then and broke up when i was 10, well out of my 'romantic phase', and i still grew up expecting to be single all me life

if anything, you may have taught your ds about being adult about relationships and respecting differences and sometimes that means separating. nuclear family is not the be all and end all. demonstrate good relationships by having good, responsible, reliable friends. and in time perhaps, by getting together with someone you are really suited to. and by being great co-parents with his dad even tho you are not together.

either that or invent a time machine and a magic wand, personally, i think the former suggestion a better one.

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