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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is it normal to not want sex 7 months after childbirth?

12 replies

freebster · 03/05/2009 09:14

Firstly, I love my husband dearly, he is a fantastic dad to our 2 girls and a very loving, affectionate and supportive partner. BUT, I just don't want to have sex. I feel so sorry for him as I keep promising that I will....next week.... but when next week comes I put it off again. I am so tired all the time and feel like an overweight, blobby old hag. I am becoming a champion in nagging and overreacting to the slightest thing that he does slightly wrong.
Am i alone here or is all this normal and will right itself in time, or do I need professional help?

OP posts:

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mrsmaidamess · 03/05/2009 09:19

Hmm. I think 7 months is quite a long time. What is it you are afriad of? Pain?

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freebster · 03/05/2009 09:22

No I don't think so, think it's more the general feeling that i now hate my body, although my husband is always trying to reassure me that he finds me attractive. Also, just can't be bothered.

OP posts:

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mrsmaidamess · 03/05/2009 09:29

Have a drink. get a bit squiffy. Once you get going again, you'll wonder why it took so long. You might enjoy it!

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FrannyandZooey · 03/05/2009 09:32

you sound very tired indeed
i think sleep often comes above sex in our hierarchy of needs
i think this is more normal than we realise although it would be a good idea to try to spend some time being close with your partner even if you don't feel like actually doing the deed
speak to him about it and perhaps when the pressure is off a bit you might feel more in the mood

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lucasnorth · 03/05/2009 10:05

You sound very tired. I was too at that stage and my husband and I were very rarely having sex. By the time our daughter was about 1 yo we were having sex fairly regularly (not very frequently! Maybe twice a month?), and it gradually got more enjoyable and more frequent until by the time she was 20m or so I really started enjoying it again. I think breast feeding didn't help in my case - it was somehow hard to see myself as a sexual being.

Then once I was enjoying it and we were doing it more often I got pregnant again straight away... And here we are again.

So you're certainly not the only one. And hopefully it will get better for you, as it did for me. Without wanting to be too mechanical, blow jobs kept the peace round here when I was in the I-can't-face-it stage. I love my husband, I want him to be happy and fulfilled in our relationship and it made me feel more intimate and less guilty about the lack of sex.

Hope things get better for you. Have you talked to your husband about how you and he feel?

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ShowOfHandsNoLongerKissesKunes · 03/05/2009 10:09

I felt this way at 7 months. I found a couple of things helped. Getting sleep, losing weight so I felt more confident and having sex. The third sounds counter-intuitive but as a woman it's often the case that the more you do it the more you want it. You forget somewhere in the nappies, feeding cycle that you have this whole other you hiding away.

Bfing sapped my libido completely too but at 23 months in, I'm still feeding and have managed to find it again.

I promise you not everybody is back in the sack at 6 weeks. It takes a year for your hormones to settle and it's hardly surprising that swinging from the chandeliers isn't top of your list of priorities.

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ABetaDad · 03/05/2009 10:34

freebster - this is not a nice position for you or DH to be in. I wrote about about my experience of having a low libido after a long illness and the strategies I used to get back to a 'normal relationship with my DW in several long posts in this Thread a while ago.
Although I am a man I do think they would work for women too.

The first stage is accepting you have a low libido (which you gave) and then identifying what is causing it and getting help if necessary. It coudlk be just tiredness, it could be PND, it could be you are breast feeding, it could be a range of things. However, identifying them and dealing with them to restore (which involved getting medical help in my case) can take a long time and in the meantime I used strategies that allowed me to feel comfortable with sex even while my medical condition was stil being treated.

I do think you are building too big a mountain to climb by 'promising sex next week'. I do not think that will work. If you read my posts in the link above you will see the 'rules' I set about not touching certain parts of my body, no penetration, etc. That helped take pressure off me to 'perform' but did allow me and my wife to restore physical intimacy that gradually restored my confidence and now my medical condition has now been treated as well been treated things are getting back to normal.

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ABetaDad · 03/05/2009 11:05

Apologies for useless syntax and spelling in post above (a child was hovering over my shoulder). Here it is again.

-

freebster - this is not a nice position for you or DH to be in. I wrote about my experience of having a low libido after a long illness and the strategies I used to get back to a 'normal' relationship with my DW in several long posts in this Thread a while ago.

Although I am a man I do think they would work for women too.

The first stage is accepting you have a low libido (which you have done already) and then identifying what is causing it and getting help if necessary. It could be just tiredness, it could be PND, it could be you are breast feeding, it could be a range of things. However, identifying them and dealing with them to restore your libido (which involved getting medical help in my case) can take a long time and in the meantime I used strategies that allowed me to feel comfortable with sex even while my medical condition was still being treated.

I do think you are building too big a mountain to climb by 'promising sex next week'. I do not think that will work. If you read my posts in the link above you will see the 'rules' I set about not touching certain parts of my body, no penetration, etc. That helped take pressure off me to 'perform' but did allow me and my wife to restore physical intimacy that gradually restored my confidence and now my medical condition has now been treated as well things are getting back to normal.

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MarlaSinger · 03/05/2009 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerlinsBeard · 03/05/2009 12:00

i still don't want sex and ds3 is 13 months. we have had sex since he was born but i count the times on one hand.

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ladylush · 03/05/2009 12:10

Lack of sleep is a huge libido killer - particularly for women imho. Is there any chance you and dh could get a night away somewhere (on your own)? Also, kids are all consuming but maybe you need to make a bit more time for yourself as well. I started going to the gym or for a swim to get a bit of time out (and I've only got one dc)with the added benefit of feeling better about my body. Exercise helps libido and aids restful sleep. Just a suggestion. I personally didn't want sex for months after having ds but that was mainly because I was sore (scar tissue).

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freebster · 03/05/2009 16:20

Many thanks to all of you for your replies. Feel very comforted by them and have actually just read them out to dh who I think feels quite grateful to Mumsnet!
The need for "me time" is overwelming at times and I have just started to go to the gym once a week and am thoroughly enjoying it.....am I mad??
Everyone is so right about the breast feeding thing, have just stopped and maybe I will beging to feel as though my body can do another job other than feed.