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seperated from dh, but he says cant leave, as has no money

11 replies

woblybot · 03/05/2009 01:07

hi 3 weeks ago dh told me after a year or us both being unhappy, ( been married for 16 years 3 kids under 15) that he did not love me and that he wanted to seperate. he moved into the dining room, saying that there was a chance we could work it out. i was devastated, and tried to get him to reconsider, and try to work it out. he refused. i finally got him to admit after 4 days, there was no hope and he did not want to try again, he was just trying to let me down gently.
we rent a house in joint names, so legally i cant get him to leave. it is all amicable at the moment, but i too have realised, it is a release, he has been a mental bully for years. i have rowed with him over the kids, money etc, and have no sadness now after the shock has worn off, about his lack of love. he is unemployed short term so cannot afford to move out. his family live 100 miles away, and he says he has no friends here, so no where to go. we have seperated the finances and claimed benefit as he always had control of the money. i feel stronger, but still feel he is manipulating the situation his own way, he even wants to ask the kids indiviually where they want to live, seperating them if one wants to stay and one wants to go. i feel this is terrible. i have said he will hve to see me in court, to seperate the kids. they are 15 12 and 6.
i feel stronger but worried what else he will throw at me. he just wont leave so we can move on.
help

OP posts:

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BitOfFun · 03/05/2009 01:33

Have you seen a solicitor yet? It sounds like that would be a good next move for you...

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fruitbeard · 03/05/2009 07:49

woblybot, do see a solicitor. The law may well have changed since a friend of mine sought a divorce, but she was apparently told that the spouse has the right to live in the house until the proceedings are finalised - of course most men who want out have the 'decency' to actually leave!

I'm not sure what the situation is though in rented, so see someone (CAB if you can't afford a solicitor) and get your rights sorted out. Good luck and sorry to hear he's being such an arse.

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ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/05/2009 09:26

what sort of tenancy are you on? if it's a rolling contract, could you contact the letting agent and tell them you need a new contract as H has moved out, and try to get it signed asap? Then he'd have to go. Underhand, but so what....

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/05/2009 09:38

well, I hope you are not cooking for him, cleaning anything of his or doing his washing, etc..

Just to rule out "I can't afford to move" actually meaning "I don't want to lose my chief cook and bottle washer but although you don't know it yet, I'm shagging around/planning to."

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2rebecca · 03/05/2009 09:58

why should he be expected to leave with nothing and you get the house and all the kids? If he asked you to leave him with the house and kids I presume you'd say no and think he was being unreasonable if he said you should just go so that he could "move on" and your moans about having no money and wanting the kids was unreasonable. Why is it OK for women to treat men like this?
I do think men get a rough deal with separations and women can often carry on in their family unit just without the bloke whilst the bloke loses everything.
The 2 older children are old enough to decide who they live with and should be asked. That's not breaking the family up it's respecting their rights. The family is breaking up anyway.
I think you should put yourself in his shoes a bit.

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HecatesTwopenceworth · 03/05/2009 10:04

True 2. I see it a bit differently. I think that when a relationship breaks down, it is simply not realistic to expect the couple to continue living together, so one has to move out.

The house should stay with the primary carer of the children. Really, it's the children who should get the house.

The fact is, that is normally the mother who ends up with the kids.

Woman gets house cos woman has/gets custody / becomes primary carer. If the man had custody, then he should have the house, obviously.

If the kids are old enough, their opinion should be asked? perhaps. If they both want to stay with the father - should the mother respect that and move out? Maybe. Or is asking a child to make such kind of a choice simply too cruel to them?

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unavailable · 03/05/2009 17:17

2 rebecca - if OP and the children moved out HB would not continue to pay the rent on a house for one single man. He would either have to make up the shortfall in the rent from his benefit or look to move to a one bedroom/studio flat?

It is his choice to split so surely he should be the one to move out.

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ABetaDad · 03/05/2009 17:26

woblybot - sadly a lot of people are in this stuation with the economic downturn. People who are divorced often being forced to live together because they cannot sell their house and cannot afford to sell for less because they could not pay the mortgage off. You arein rental but the situation is not much different.

kat2907 - that will not work becuase DH has a contract and it cannot be repudiated that way. If the OP did as you suggested it would look very very bad in court.

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hatesponge · 03/05/2009 17:53

I wanted to leave my ex. I was the one who moved out in the end, but only because I could afford to financially. If I didn't work full time it would have been a different story - I would have been stuck til we could sell the house and split the proceeds I suppose.

As for children, why assume that it would be a case of one parent having sole custody/residence? My DC split their time equally between me and my ex. if the ops husband does leave and moves into a bedsit/tiny flat he's obviously not going to be able to have his DC to stay or therefore a chance of any form of shared residence. Whilst it may be his decision to separate, i dont think thats a reason for him to be kicked out or to lose the chance of remaining a part of his DC's lives.

In the op's position, I would see what I could do to improve my situation financially - would it be possible for you to return to work for example? (not ideal I know in the current financial climate, but if you could get a job and money of your own, you might then be able to look to move out and rent somewhere else for you and children)

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BCNS · 03/05/2009 18:04

Woblybot I'm in the same situation.. H and I are separated.. but live in the same house.

actually you can get used to it and there is always a baby sitter on hand for either of you.. set down some ground rules for joint areas of the house..and how you split time with the dc's, finances and house chores.. and it gives you time sort sort out other housing/work and things that you will both need. Maybe pop to relate as they also help people split.

We have a rule that no new partners or dates come back to the house.. and any calls are via mobiles.

DC's are doing really well with the situation too.

H will stay on here, so that he'll have a place big enough for visiting dc's, we are going to share care for them, and I have a new house on the way .

My advice.. if you have to be in this situation.. then.. use your time wisely and get things all sorted out and ( if as in my case) let the dc's know what is going on and that they are both mum and dads priority.
Just think of it as a house share. It can work.

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woblybot · 05/05/2009 16:23

thanks for your comments, i have tried to get him to see a councillor, but he says no. he is showing signs of trying to find a place. obviously we will share custody. i do not wish him to be in a dirty bedsit type accomodation, but i agree as the party who wants out he has to be the one to leave. i feel we will still be friendly when it all settles. the older two dc has indicated that they want to stay with me, but at 6 the youngest is i feel too young to decide, but obviously if a court decided otherwise, i have to go with it. he has a bad relationship with my eldest dc which i have tried to improve but with no success, it is sad to see them at odds with each other. hopefully after he moves out, that will improve. i am not moaning about it all, just need to see a way forward to make everyone happy. i admit i must have been part of the cause of the marriage breakdown, but he wont admit anything on his part. i feel sad for him, as i can correct my faults he wont admit to them. when he saw on the computer history bar i was on this site, he was insulted, i was asking strangers for advice. but you need support from people who have been through the same thing, then decide if it can help you. i know he will be here for the forseable future, so am trying to make it as pleasant as possible for the dc( no rowingin front of them). i know the future is going to be good, just gotta get there first!